PTSD, After vacation blahs, etc.

Don't know why I have been weepy today.  It used to be I could figure out what day it was in the month and that would tell me why I was experiencing a lot of emotion.  Not today.  I don't have those hormonal changes anymore.   Today it is as if the bottom has opened up and I am falling.

I guess a lot has happened lately.  First a friend who also had leiomyosarcoma died.  She was younger than I am and had 3 kids.  Two little ones.  She lost her battle in just a little over a year from her diagnosis.

Right after that I heard that one of my favorite actors, Robin Williams committed suicide.  Like so many, I was mortified that such a talented and young man who seemed to have the world by the tail could end it all.  Then I posted something about him on my wall and a friend of mine and I got into a debate or a FB fight over it.  That wasn't pleasant.

A couple weeks ago I posted about an aha moment.  The debate on my FB page regarding Robin Williams was a part of my aha moment.  I had promised myself that I would no longer sit quietly by if someone decides they are going to express their distaste over something I post or impose their wishes on me.   That was the first time I forcefully set those boundaries that I promised myself I would.  I promised myself that I wouldn't be bullied or apologize for believing something or posting something.  I figure if you don't like what I post, then you don't have to read it and you certainly don't have to fight with me over it.

Then Chelsea and I were caravanning over to Omaha to catch a flight to Spokane, Washington to attend the wedding of my sweet and beautiful cousin, Haley Jones.  On the way to Omaha we witnessed a freak accident where a tire hit a young man named Andrew Joseph Engle "Joe," aged 39.  We saw him get taken out by a renegade tire that had come loose in a construction zone on I80.  He died.  We were just feet away from him.  I was the second car that stopped when we saw it happened.

Then I was driving home from Omaha and a gal from Mayo called and asked me to come up early.  I called Jeff, went home, washed clothes, packed and straight up to Mayo we went.  I thought I was going to have a cryoablation that very day (yesterday) but it was only an appointment where Jeff and Chloe didn't have to come.  The pressure of dropping everything and running up there put undo stress on me.  Then I couldn't get anyone to come over and let the dogs out because it was such late notice and nobody seemed to be able to adjust their schedule to let the dogs out.  I was stressed over that and came home to 3 piles of diarrhea dog do.  So I had to immediately clean that up.  Then I realized the kitchen sink was clogged.  I tried everything to unclog it.  Vinegar and baking soda.  Plunger.  Draino.  Nothing worked.  So I called a plumber.  He's coming NOW!

Also I am totally broke from vacation.  You've probably been there.  No money.  A week before you get paid.  Don't want to put stuff on a charge card.  Don't want to take money out of savings.  So I took some cans back.  Got $11.  What did I buy?  Pepto Bismol.  Why?  Because I have had the worst intestinal issues since my surgery back in January.  

So I realized I think I am suffering from PSTD.  I think witnessing someone get killed in a freak accident just put me over the edge.  That and all the little "minnowy" things that eat you alive.

I've got a boat load of work to do around the house.  I finally feel pretty good physically but I'm spent emotionally.  I have this feeling of giving and giving and giving but never getting.  I'm holding up my hand.  Stop!  Emotionally I cannot take anymore.

I left the wedding Saturday night and didn't say good bye to a lot of my precious family.  Those I did say good bye to I said, "I hope to see you again."   That is something I have to think about.  Living with a life threatening disease is like walking through a mine field.  You never know when you are going to step on a mine.  When Joe was in Sturgis riding around with his friends, he didn't know he would never make it back to Philly.  He would be the victim of a freak accident.  Anyone of us could be.

I've got that "after vacation let down."  You know?  You've been enjoying your family.  First the Black Hills, then Couer d'Alene, Idaho.  Lucky, lucky me!!  How much of my bucket list have I done?  Then you go home and have to do housework, laundry, dishes, etc.  Suddenly you have to get up at precisely 6:35 am to drive your daughter to school.  Hey, wait!!  I was having fun.  When did reality set in?

Well, I guess that's the end of my vent.  I'm actually feeling better for having put it on paper.

On a positive note?  I picked some tomatoes and roasted them with olive oil, balsamic vinegar, basil and garlic.  I'll boil some noodles and that will be the "sauce."  Can't get any fresher than that.  I'm thinner than I have been in a LONG time so there's that.

I've got great kids and grandkids.  They are the biggest blessing in my life.

Breaking Free

A few days ago I had an a-ha moment.  It was a moment when I unlocked the shackles that have bound me for almost my entire life.

I was raised in a Christian home.  I grew up and my children went to a Christian school.  I was part owner of a Christian retail store.  I know all the "right" things to do and say to make you accepted by this group of people.  The denomination I grew up in was very strict in their list of dos and don'ts.

By nature I am rebellious.  If someone tells me I cannot do something, I usually try to do it just because they told me not to.  I wasn't very good at keeping all those rules and regulations as a teenager.  For one, it didn't make me "cool" which is something I felt I had to be as a teenager.  I was always repenting of my sins and feeling guilty about my indiscretions.

Fast forward 4 decades when I broke free last week.  Something snapped in me.  I have watched as people who claim to be real Christians lie and rationalize and excuse and judge and manipulate.  I snapped.  I thought to myself, "if that is what it is to be the kind of Christian that everyone wants me to be, then I say NO, I won't be that way."  I can't be that way.

I am thankful for the church I found.  Lutheran Church of Hope.  These people do not make me feel that way and I will continue to be a member at a church where I feel the people are authentic and don't march to a list of dos and don'ts.  Don't get me wrong.  There are some definite taboos even within this church but ones I am comfortable with.

And there is the whole political thing.  I've decided I am a moderate.  I'm registered independent and I cannot jump on any bandwagon and yell and scream to the top of my lungs about this or that.  I decide how I feel issue by issue.  Either way if I told you where I stand, I would offend someone and have a fight on my hand.  So I choose to be quiet about it.  When they say don't argue about religion or politics it is so apparent why.  People get super worked up if you don't agree with them.  I decided last week that I wasn't going to believe something just because I was raised to be that way or I was coerced by over zealous friends.  (And believe me if you saw who my FB friends are you would realize that I have friends from all over the spectrum.  There is no way I could make anyone happy with my beliefs so I'll just keep my opinions to myself and vote according to my convictions.)

Mostly my a-ha moment came from within.  If someone starts to lecture or tries to guilt me or one of my family members, I will shut them down.  This is a new boundary in my life.  I have walked on eggshells around certain people and have tried to temper my opinions around them so I would not offend them.  Well, I am entitled to my opinions, too.  I don't have to watch what I say in order to keep the peace.  Hey.  If they can live their lives and have their opinions and speak them as truth, then I can live my life based on my truths and I have the freedom to believe what I want to believe and to speak and do what I believe.  Does that make sense?

All this to say that I am marching to my own drum.  Sorry if I don't agree with you.  We are all entitled to our opinion.  I am going to try to march with love and happiness and strength.  I will appreciate people speaking words that are uplifting and supportive.  I will not appreciate nor will I accept words of shame and guilt and manipulation.  I don't live that way anymore.  If it gets uncomfortable then I guess I will have to leave.  Better to walk away then to have a fight.