Hit over the head today with some REAL awareness!

This morning I was minding my own business and scrolling through Facebook.  I man I met 25 years ago when he was the youth intern at our church posted this and it rocked my world.....

This morning I read the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18. Here's what I realized:

I have a good memory. I can remember things that happened decades ago in my life and I can remember what happened this past weekend in great detail. One of the things that I too often remember is a word or action that someone else took that affected my life. I don't forget - and I don't forgive. It is amazing (and embarrassing) how I can hold on to the smallest slights and the least significant mistakes of others. And all the while I conveniently ignore the things in my life that God has graciously forgiven me for because of what Jesus did on the cross. In the words of Jesus, I end up pushing the telephone pole in my own eye out of the way so I can pick at the splinters in someone else's eye. In the parable of the merciful servant, the King (representing God) asks, “Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” I think, “Yeah God, that's a great question!” Then I think, “Yikes, that's a great question.” So this morning I personalized the question. “Darrick, shouldn't you have mercy on other people just like I have on you?” God's forgiveness toward me is so great, how can I withhold forgiveness from others over so little? God, forgive me. And help me to forgive.

After I read this it dawned on me, I am a judgmental jerk.  I have used my cancer as an excuse to say anything I want knowing that (some) people will forgive me because I have a disease.  I found out the hard way this is not true because I have had so much more flack since the diagnosis than before.

I am especially hard on Christians.  Being a Christian myself, I judge the ones who judge others.  I coined the term reverse judgmentalism.  I have always hated people who look down their noses at others because they are not like them.  I've held resentment towards those people who proclaim to be righteous as they show by their actions just how hypocritical they are.  

I'm constantly writing on facebook how it's done.  How obvious it is to me what you are doing wrong!  Well, I'm here to tell you that I am the Queen of doing it wrong and I ask for forgiveness right here and right now.

I have no right to judge people because I do not live in their shoes.  I don't understand how it feels to have some type of a learning disability.  I have had depression in the past so I have an inkling of what a clinical depression can do to someone, however, how they handle their depression is all theirs.  No amount of "pick yourself up by the boot straps" and passive aggressive posts are going to make people change just because I think they should.

One time someone said to me.  "If you are overweight and someone tells you you need to lose weight, it hurts.  An overweight person knows they are overweight."

People have lots of different issues.  Some people are hooked on cigarettes, some have problems with drugs and alcohol, some don't have good self esteem,  some don't have it in them to recite the alphabet without getting distracted before they hit the letter R - to ask that person to do a series of things in a particular order to try to accomplish a goal might be impossible.  For me to ask my child with autism to behave differently just because I said so is absurd.

Don't you think the person who is addicted to cigarettes KNOWS they need to quit, just like the obese person KNOWS they need to lose weight?  Is it my job to constantly remind them of their shortcomings?

So as outspoken as I am, today I am going to try to stop obsessing over other people's stuff.  (Unless their comes a time which I feel I need to intervene, but I'll keep that to myself and not announce it on Facebook.)

My other friend posted something today as well, something about facebook being a public forum and if you proclaim something on your status then you are fair game for the repercussions.  In fact, you should expect it.

So for those people who frustrate me, I now choose to pray for you.  I am not your conscience.  No one has died and left me in charge of everything.  Hopefully you choose to try your best every single day.  I know there are some who make life hard on themselves by trying to take shortcuts and by trying to get something for nothing,  They are the ones who have to live with the consequences of their behavior, just like we all do.  The world calls it Karma, the Bible says you reap what you sow.  It is not my job to punish you if you don't meet my expectations.

So there it is!!

Rant about people taking advantage of other people's niceness.....

 Why do you think people do not want to be held accountable?  Have you ever experienced when you finally hold someone accountable then they lash out and you become the bad guy?  This is apparent in so many situations.  At the work place if you come in late or call in sick too much and you are called on it, suddenly the boss is a jerk.  You owe someone money and when they ask for it, they are a jerk.  You help someone out on numerous occasions but when you need help, they are no where to be found.   So if you ask them about it, they will be offended that you asked.  Someone you know enables people to be irresponsible but when you mention it, everyone freaks out like you have said something you shouldn't say, diverting attention away from the enabling.

Holding people accountable.  But wait.  I want everyone to like me so I'll just look the other way and not do anything when people do not hold up their end of the "proverbial bargain."  I was a lot this way as a young parent.  It was hard for me to discipline my children.  I figured I was so cool they'd want to be perfect for me.  I never made them clean their rooms or help with chores.  I was basically their maid. I did everything.  Sometimes things didn't get done because I didn't have it in me to do it all and I didn't have it in me to expect someone else to help.  They have apologized for not helping more now that they are grown and see how much work it is.

This is wrong.  A friend at Wellspring told me that people want boundaries.  People want to know what the expectations for them are.  They want to know the minimum expectations.  The people who are go getters will try to do better.  The people who are slackers will at least do the minimum, and if they don't then they know it and the consequences are their own fault.  (but again, they will probably blame the boss for being mean, etc.)

I grew up as a People Pleaser.  No one expects me to stand up for myself.  I think I've made some people mad by saying, "No, you owe this to me and I will not back off.  You have taken advantage of me for years and the advantage taking ends now."  Boy, not want people who used to be able to talk you out of things want to hear.

I've noticed this among some people.  While we were in business people would come in and want us to basically give them things because we were a Christian business.  Or play our business off of others to get the best deal.  People playing the "christian card" too much.  I usually bent to their demands because I truly wanted their business and I wanted them to like us.  Also when pastors get away with stuff because their flock cannot question the shepherd of the flock.  It is too much.  What it amounts to is people getting away with bad behavior.  I remember being told "never fire anyone, counsel them out."  Baloney!!  If they deserve to get fired, fire them!!!  Employees coming and going as they please. Not accountable to anyone.  Putting their schedules above the needs of the business.  Why not?  If you are in a situation where you can get away with anything, why not take advantage of it?

That's the question isn't it?  Blessed are the people who know they can get away with things but don't because their internal compass doesn't allow them to take advantage of others.  That's what you call integrity.

So all those people out there who live their lives taking advantage of others and making excuses for bad behavior, we know it.  You are not fooling anyone.  We do not respect that part of you.  We will respect you when you do at least the minimum standard, not less.  More would be great.  Don't you want people to think of you as "the person you can count on?"

Love Languages

Today I went to lunch with two of my favorite people, my daughters, Courtney and Chelsea.  We were talking about Love Languages.

What is a Love Language?  It is that thing that rings your bell.  It makes you feel loved.  Some people love getting gifts.  Some people love words of encouragement.  Some people like to spend time with you.  Some people want sexual intimacy.  Some people want help around the house.   Some people like to do things with you like go to a sporting event, or play a game with you.  Some people want admiration.  Some people want respect.

Whatever it is, everyone has one.  For me, I like words of encouragement and help around the house.  All people to say I look pretty, I am smart, I am talented, I am going places, I have it in me, I was a great student, I seemed to really have empathy for people, I am a good teacher, I show people love, I am a good salesperson, I am a quick study.  ANY WORDS that said, "You are special."  Those are the words that make me feel good about myself.

My daughter, Courtney's love language is gifts.  Courtney loves to think about it and to give the perfect gift.  She also really appreciates it when someone gives her a gift that obviously has had some thought put in it.  It makes her feel special to know that you really thought about what would make her happy and then gave her that thoughtful gift.

I think the key to both Courtney and my love language, is that we can spot a fake a mile away.  If someone doesn't give me words of encouragement but then lays them on thick in a card, I grimace knowing that the words are not sincere.  Courtney really doesn't care what the gift is as long as she knows you really tried hard to find that perfect gift.  For her to get a gift that she knows was purchased off the sale rack, bought at a gas station on the way to her party or a gift card with nothing in mind, is not a loving way to show your appreciation for her, it is a way to fulfill your obligation because of the day.

I think it is everyone's obligation to find out what their loved ones love language is and then make an effort to fill their cup with THEIR particular love language.

Fighting for popularity

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

This is hard for me to admit but I am going to.  

I remember in elementary school the "cast system" had already started.  You were a popular kid or good in sports or naturally pretty.  I didn't realize it until I was an adult, but living in a military town there were officers families and enlisted families.  The officers were the elite.

As a young child I was very insecure.  I didn't want to be bullied.  I wanted to be liked.  

In junior high I realized if you were a cheerleader you were automatically popular.  I set my sites on being a cheerleader.  I practiced day and night.  I was obsessed (I know now I was REALLY obsessed.)  If I didn't make cheerleading I was no body.  I remember in 9th grade I didn't make it but all my friends did.  I was devastated.  So what did I do?  I joined a lot of different clubs and ran for President of the clubs.  I was PE Leadership president.  I read the announcements over the intercom.  All ways to make myself feel popular.  My hair was curly and everyone else had straight hair.  I struggled with my weight.  In 9th grade I dropped a bunch and was thin all through high school.  For the rest of 9th grade I practiced cheerleading.

The next year I went to Bellevue High School.  At cheerleading try outs I went wild.  I finally made it.  I was the Sophomore cheerleading Captain!!!!  

I ran for student government and was elected Sophomore Class President.  I was in Student Council.  

But my cheerleading days were not easy............

To make a long story short.  I was jerked around by the cheerleading sponsor.  Mrs. C just didn't seem to like me.  I had gotten moved up to Junior Varsity my sophomore year because someone from the Varsity squad had moved.  The next year when I tried out for Varsity, I figured I was a shoe in.  I didn't make it and was sick about it.  Later I had one of the judges come to me and tell me that Mrs. C had told the judges before tryouts that I was too tall for the Varsity squad, she told them I would make a better JV Captain. I realized after try outs that several kids whose parents were either a principal or teachers had made it over me and that Mrs. C had basically told the judges who to vote for.

The next year (as revenge) I worked the sophomore and JV squads very hard and when we got to cheer camp, we outscored the Varsity squad.  The Varsity captain started hyperventilating.  Mrs. C came up to me and sarcastically said, "Well, if it isn't the Superior JV Captain and her girls....."

From that time on I had this extreme rebellious streak.  I was plain and simple - furious.  During a Varsity game it started pouring so I dismissed my squad to leave.  We were in big trouble for leaving but I told them they didn't come to our games, why should we be demanded to attend theirs?  Especially sitting in the stands in the pouring rain!!?

I met some kids in class that were complete opposites of me.  I started hanging around them.  My best friends had moved after my sophomore year so I needed new.  I started partying.

The next year I tried out for cheerleading and didn't make it again.  I snapped.  Not only had they split our school and separated our senior class, but I didn't make cheerleading again.  The squad that was chosen was horrible and did poorly at camp.  Then someone was moving so they called me at the end of the summer and wanted me to come back.  I stormed on the scene, whipped the team into shape but was just not interested anymore.  I quit cheerleading at semester.

From my junior year until about age 26 I turned from an aspiring, up and coming cheerleader, Sophomore class president, up beat person to a Boone's Farm Country Quenchers drinking, Miller Pony drinking, pot smoking, rebellious person.  I had a huge problem with authority figures.  

I went from that insecure little girl who had aspirations to be popular and great, to an angry, "I don't care what you think" person.  

As I read the Henri Nouwen quote it became clear to me.  An adult had rejected me.  An authority figure had tore me down.  My parents didn't go to bat for me (I'm not blaming them) and I was left feeling worthless.  I proved her right.  I stopped being who I aspired to be.  I went through life numbing myself from the pain.

One person had derailed me.  I didn't do well in college.  I spent so much time drinking and smoking that my life had gone out of control.  One person.  

When I grew up and finally started turning my life around and had kids I understood that I had to make it my priority to give my girls enough love to make them feel worth gold, to make them feel accepted and to feel loved.  I know I didn't do the best job but I tried.  And when my girls got into cheerleading and I watched them going through similar situations with some of the cheer coaches, I was the first person to call the coach and question them.  My hurts often came back when I watched my girls go through the political system in their school and in their extra curricular activities.  I know I didn't make many friends through that process because that's when I became maybe too outspoken.  I wanted to defend my child when I felt they were wronged.  

I warned them a lot about making bad choices.  I've helped them get through those stages during school that happen to all kids.  Dealing with bullies.  Dealing with a teacher they didn't click with.  Dealing with unfair school politics.  As a single parent I had to try to be there for them while taking care of a younger sibling with autism.

I live my life with regrets.  I wish I knew as a young child that I was special.  Unique.  Perfect.  That it didn't matter if someone in power kicked me to the curb because all of that doesn't matter.  I hope I instilled in my kids that they are loved beyond measure and there is nothing they could do that would make me love them less.  And when life hands them unnecessary trauma, that they can get through it because it isn't who they are, it is something that happened to them.  They are still the very cool, loved people they always were and being a cheerleader or a popular kid or the child of a teacher doesn't make them any better than anyone else.

Now I am much older and much wiser.  No one has the power to take who I am away from me.  No amount of manipulation, guilt, shame or coercion can derail me from knowing that I am me.  And being me is GREAT!

Is anyone really HAPPY?

Each day I go to Facebook and I scroll down.  There are so many "self help" posts that I share.  Constant reminders to not let other people get you down, to love yourself, etc. etc.  Some sarcastic and funny.  Some deep.  Some that are naughty.  I read them and try to internalize them.  It seems I am trying to undo some of the baggage which I have carried around with me for so long.

Something hit me today.  Are we all searching for that perfect place of bliss?  Do we wish we could always be in a good mood?  Do we wish we had that perfect marriage?  Do we wish we were doing better in our career or that we even had a career?  Do we wish we were in better health?  I know all these things are true.

It seems it's hard to live for today.  We look back and regret.  We look forward and hope.  But today gets by us.  I have this and this and this to do.  I'm too busy.  I didn't sign up for this.  This is not the way it was supposed to be.  My plan backfired on me and it's not working out.

I remember once I had everything figured out.  My plan was implemented.   Unfortunately that plan involved another person and they did not perform in the way I had anticipated and the plan blew up in my face.  I was mortified.  The person turned out to be nothing like I thought they were and because of that I had to revert back to a place I was trying to get away from.  I was very resentful to that person.  Because of them my plan didn't work.

Have you ever had everything figured out and then it didn't work the way you had anticipated?  Does that make you mad?

Don't you just want to be happy???  Does it exist?  As long as you are trying to find happiness in another person, you will never be happy.  You have to find happiness in yourself.

Some new healthy choices

Well, I really wasn't supposed to announce this to the world but I am trying my hand at a 10-Day Detox.  I didn't announce it on Facebook as I do with everything else it seems.

Fresh juices, soups, smoothies, teas.  I learned something the hard way.  Do not juice a bunch of fruits and vegetables and then guzzle them down.  For me that is an instant trip to the bathroom and a sick stomach.  Today I learned to sip on the juice for an hour.  Nourishing my body with every sip and not freaking my system out.  Lots of fluids.  Giving my digestive system a break.

Then I was introduced to a company called Prudent Produce.  My friend, Sheree Clark suggested this company for fresh organic produce.  They will deliver it to my door.  As far as I can figure, I'll spend less money than I normally spend and get a lot better produce.

Jeff told me he would build me two raised beds.  I am excited to grow my own vegetables this year!!

These are three things I am doing!

Toxic Emotions

I walked into Wellspring yesterday.  Just 3 days until a 70 year old business closes it's doors.  It was during my last few years there that I had symptoms (a pain in my back) and then was diagnosed with cancer.  Because of my pain and my quest for self awareness, I gravitated towards the health section of the store.  One book, Deadly Emotions caught my eye and I decided to read it.

Because of the circumstances and dynamics of my life, I found myself in a constant state of stress.  For a time I would even diagnose myself as having clinical depression.  I cried a lot.  Laid in bed a lot.  I had this overwhelmingly futile feeling.  I felt trapped in my circumstances and felt there was no good way for me to get out of them.  Perhaps you have suffered from this as well.  Only those who have been really depressed know the extent at which it can paralyze you.

Anyway, after reading the book Deadly Emotions I realized that every single bit of bitterness, anger, rage, hate and stress could effect my body.  To this day I wonder if one of the factors causing my cancer was the amount of rage and bitterness I felt.  I truly could not get over some of the things that made me so angry and yet I felt so helpless to do anything about.

One of the hardest things to do is to let those things go.  Especially stress.  If you are living with something that stresses you it is hard to release that stress.  It may be financial problems, relationship problems, health, job loss - you name it.

Also it is very hard to forgive.  How do you forgive someone who keeps hurting you?  What if they don't perceive the hurt?  It is just the way they are but for you, it feels like a constant wounding.  With every snide word, sarcastic comeback, belittling statement, condescending glance, the anger gets the most of you and you don't want to forgive that person.  The unforgiveness turns to bitterness.

So what does that do to your body?  It places unnecessary stress on your heart.  It causes aches and pains and cancer and stomach issues.  It effects your body.  It hurts you not only psychologically but physically.

We've got to release the toxic emotions.  We have to forgive knowing that the person who we are forgiving may never acknowledge they need forgiving.  We need to breathe in the midst of our stress.  We need to go to counseling.  We need to exercise.  We need to eat healthy.  We need to let go and let God!