Doing my due diligence

I've been raised a Christian all my life.  Fact is, I have believed it, too.

I remember taking an INSTE class through the Open Bible Churches and telling my group I always felt like there was this elite group of people who get it and I am not a part of that group.  Always felt like I couldn't get to the next level - like I was an outsider.

Maybe because as a child and young adult my faith was really a religion that scared the hell out of you or shamed you to death.  The end of the world was always near and I would surely be left behind if I happen to be in a bar or some other "non-Christian" place during the rapture.

I think my brother would agree with me.  Everything we ever did we were made to feel guilty about and so two young kids who were raised in a pentecostal world did everything we could to do our own thing.  I suppose our parents couldn't understand where they had gone wrong with their children pretty much being hellions (in their opinion.)

Despite my crazy young lifestyle, I always believed the basic Christian tenets.  Still perk up when I hear of natural disasters or wars on the news.   I go along acknowledging the Christianese.  I understand the verbage and became a master at Church-speak while working in a Christian bookstore.

I was talking to a friend who is approaching retirement age.  She's still working with a tyrannical boss but has developed a "I don't care" attitude.  She understands that she could quit right now and have retirement to fall back on so she no longer has to take the bosses stuff.  It's a freeing thing for her.  It's the same feeling I have had since I was diagnosed with cancer.  I just don't care anymore.  I mean, I care, but in light of what might happen to me, I am free to say things I would keep to myself before.  I try not to be too harsh, but I can see through facades and I just can't sit back and listen to lies and half truths without calling people out.  I have no tolerance for anyone who is phony.  If you cannot be yourself, then I have a problem with that.

Anyway, so I decided I wasn't really going to accept my Christianity at face value.  I no longer was going to accept the argument, "that's what the Bible says so it is true."  Ok, but how do you know the Bible is true?  I think the Mormons think the book of Mormon is true.  The Muslims believe the Quran is true.  The Jewish think the Old Testament is true but not the New Testament.  The New Agers believe God is in us.  The Scientologists think L. Ron Hubbard was THE man.

So I am on my quest for truth.

When I met and married Jeff we started attending Lutheran Church of Hope.  Mostly to give him his Lutheranism because that's what he felt comfortable with.  Little did I know that we would enter a mega-church who actually "gets it."  Mike Housholder is the pastor and when he teaches he basically tells you, "if you do not believe it, check it out."  He talks of historical evidence of Jesus' death and resurrection.  He doesn't do a song and dance on the stage that is such a turn off to me!!  He doesn't try to scare you to death or make you feel guilty.  Whatever this man learned in seminary made him a great leader in a church that keeps growing by leaps and bounds.

So here's what I am doing.  I am vulnerably asking God to show himself to me.  I am doing research on the historical evidence of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  I am reading the Bible and trying to figure out if this is a credible account of the Jewish Messiah.

I want it to be true.  I want to know what Jesus means by "I am the way the truth and the light.  No one comes to the Father but by me."  Does that mean that if you have not accepted Jesus as your Lord and personal savior that you will not get to the Father?  What about the people who have never heard of Jesus?  Or the people that came before Jesus?  Is there really a hell that people are banished to forever and ever?  Do we really go into the air and live with Jesus and God on a cloud "drinking kool aid out of styrofoam cups in a church basement" scene.  (That last quote was from John Eldredge's book The Sacred Romance - love him - such a great speaker!)

I no longer will accept it because that's what everyone who has kids at DM Christian believe and to not believe it makes you a heretic.  I won't believe it because my parents told me that's how I should think.  I won't NOT believe it because a very smart person tells me it is a fairy tale and a crutch.  Fact is, I don't need a crutch.  I won't believe it to stay in the good graces of other people.  But I won't NOT believe it to stay in the good graces of other people.

So what do I hope to accomplish with my studies?  I hope to find out that I can believe it.  I'm not gonna lie.  I want it to be true.  But I don't want to be even for a minute one of those Christians who says AMEN all the time or who starts every conversation with a Bible verse.  I want to be someone who understands it, believes it and exudes it from my very being.  Not because I look down my nose at you because of your "sin."  Or has a "holier than thou" persona.  If Christianity means that than I do not want any part of it.

I look at churches.  All of them.  I don't think they look very much like the early church.  I just can't see a bunch of men in sandals walking into a tent and shaking hands with a greeter who dutifully hands them the sequence of events scrolled on papyrus.  I can't see them sitting in rows of benches.  Standing to sing repetitive songs.  Sitting for announcements.  Standing again.  Taking an offering.  Then Jesus comes up but he has slicked his hair back.  He tells the Good News by reminding you to give him money and never drink a beer.  It all seems so foreign to the Jesus you read of in the New Testament.

I'm digging deep.  I went to be prayed for during Alpha and I stood at the foot of the cross and looked up.  I prayed to be healed and I was touched.  I went to Easter service yesterday and was touched many, many times.  It felt true.  It felt right.  But is it?  Was my feeling the Holy Spirit wooing me unto him?  Or have I been programmed to respond that way?  The more beautiful the song and the better the singer gives me more of a touch than someone who goes on stage and butchers a song?

I would like to read some books.  I've read some of the well known apologetic books like "Case for Christ."  My only problem with that book is that the author, Lee Strobel does not interview anyone who doesn't believe.  He only interviews Biblical scholars.  Of course, they are going to defend the Bible.  I welcome suggestions from people on good books to read.  I want to find out what and where.  I don't want to be categorized.  I want to figure it out on my own.

This is an aside, but I feel the same way about politics.  I read people's posts on FB and realize there are some widely varied opinions on politics.  I don't want to believe something just because my parents believed it or because most of my friends believe it.  But again, I am not going to agree with someone else just because their argument is louder and prouder than the next...

On a quest for answers.  I welcome comments.....

I want the stress to go away

I was talking to a friend today and she said to me, "you don't need the stress.  You need to put every ounce of energy into healing and health."

I realized that there is a lot of stress in my life.  Not only am I dealing with cancer and chemo, but I'm dealing with a child with autism, another child who is a single parent who is working and going to school and another child who has decided to stay home with her three children and live on one income. These are normal stressors which I can deal with.

But it's the other stressors which take a toll on me.  It's problems other people have that somehow infiltrate me and my family.  It's the closing of the business we ran for 17 years.  It's the emotional demands placed on me which I cannot bear the weight of.

I have been digging into faith issues and trying to figure out where and why.  I wonder why people hurt my family?  What did we do to deserve the rejection and hurt?  I wonder why I cannot depend on very many people?  I wonder why I cannot rise above everything?  I wonder why I get sucked into doing things I do not want to do and people do not realize that their demands on me are too much.

I want the stress to go away!

I used to be...........

When I was a child, I would watch my dad play fast pitch softball.  He was pretty well known around the Omaha area as an excellent pitcher.  Our church team won a lot of championships.  Dad also played church league basketball.  He used to be a jock.  He was good at a lot of sports.  Not only did he enjoy watching sports, but he enjoyed playing sports.

When he got older he had heart problems and diabetes.  He could barely walk.  That man who used to be a jock was living in a body that no longer allowed him to be the person he once was.

I used to be young.  That illusion of invulnerability.  Always young.  Always healthy.  WRONG!

I have tried to instill into other people how ignorant we all are until it is too late.  Well, I guess I cannot say we ALL are ignorant because there are some people that get it.  Some people exercise and eat healthy because it's the right thing to do.  How many people put their heads in the sand and continue to do things to themselves that will not lead to a healthy body down the road?  A lot of us.  How many people have you seen gain weight over the years?  How many people do you know of who suffer from arthritis or cancer or other things that change their lives?

Right now I consider myself marked.  Before I would think about tummy tucks or botox or other things that might enhance my appearance.  Now, I am not worthy of such things.  I have been transferred into a group of cancer fighters.  My abdominal surgery left me with a big scar and an uneven belly.  I have an area on my stomach where the abdominal wall is too thin.  My oncologist poo poos me when I ask about having the area fixed.  "You've got more important things to worry about."  So suddenly you are no longer a person who gets to think about normal things.  Why should you when you are fighting for your life?  I know that I cannot give blood.  I cannot donate my organs.  I also cannot get an organ.  A liver transplant might save my life in the future but I cannot get one because I have cancer.

I used to be walking along minding my own business when BAAM!!  My life changed.

An outsider can always solve your problems

My daughter, Courtney and I were talking.  There are several things going on around us that we observe and feel that we could solve.  She asked me why it is that she feels she has all the answers and the people living with the problems don't seem to have a clue?  Or if they have a clue, their lack of movement or perceived lack of initiative seems perplexing and questionable to us?

So from a couple of girls who think they have all the answers, here are some general suggestions to everyone in a situation that they cannot seem to get out of.

First thing.  Business advice.  I remember when my mom and I started doing the Christian Retail thing. We would go to convention and pay to get training on how to do it.  We got a lot of advice.  The one that sticks out the most to me was this.  Only stock in your store things that people will buy.  That proved very hard in the beginning.  What do people want?  You've got salesmen from every publisher, music company and gift company telling you to buy their stuff.  At first you buy everything because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and then you realize you can't pay the invoices on time and that way of buying goes out the window.  After years of buying and having it all computerized, you could pretty much predict how a certain author's new book would do.  We also realized we couldn't buy based on our taste.  At first we had a lot of florals in the gift gallery.  That was my mom's taste.  Then we had a different buyer and we had lots of lace.  It was an art to let go of personal preferences and stock a variety of things that would appeal to a larger audience.  We had a motto and that was even if we didn't personally believe the way a certain author believed, as long as their basic Christian beliefs were right, then we didn't let denominational differences get in the way.

So what about business in general.  

1.  Advertise.  You must keep in constant contact with your customers.  Especially your good customers.  If they keep coming in and keep buying, keep sending them catalogs and coupons.

2.  Location, location, location.  What once was a good location may not be now.  Make sure you are where your customers will already be.  Now?  In the Des Moines area?  That means near Jordan Creek Towne Center.  A few years ago the mall wasn't there.  Now everything is there.

3.  Give exceptional customer service.  A recent review of the worst customer service companies placed Walmart as the worst.  If you cannot discount your merchandise to compete with Walmart, than you maybe should be great at what they don't have.  Customer service!

Now advice on job hunting.  In 2008 we had a major collapse in our economy.  Many people are out of jobs.  I've heard stories of men and women who went from senior management to doing whatever they could to earn a paycheck.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of proud people out there.  People who will not "settle" for something beneath them.  So even if the economy turns, when applying for a job, the interviewer might ask what they've been doing these last months and years.  I guarantee the person who tells them they were doing anything to put food on the table is the person they will hire over the proud, educated person who would not lower themselves.

Case in point.  In the early 1980s I worked at the busiest restaurant in the state of Iowa.  Chi Chi's rocked the corner of 22nd Street and University in West Des Moines.  Busy ALL the time.  A new company bought us and their Vice President was a very dynamic up and coming restauranteur.  I wanted management and I let the VP know it.  He would talk with me and I would let him know that I wanted to move up.  I tried very hard to be the best at what I did so I could become an assistant manager.  There were others who wanted management as well.  Two men in particular were very interested so he asked me what I knew about them.  The thing he confided in me was his hesitation in hiring them due to lapses in their job history.  He felt he couldn't trust his restaurants to people who didn't CONSISTENTLY work.  I didn't realize it back then but I do now.  Your window of opportunity to work your way up and make something of yourself is a pretty small one.  If you stop and start and stop and start and do not humble yourself by starting at the bottom and working your way up, you may miss it all together and find yourself older and unemployable.  So the key is, don't be too proud to do anything.  Get in at the bottom and show them what you can do.  Before you know it you've made a career out of it.

Next, don't make decisions based on fear.  A month or so ago I wrote about my fear of falling over dead from a sudden cardiac arrest.  My cardiologist reminded me that living in fear was not a way to live.  It made me paralyzed to move forward.  Every decision I made was based around this fear.

I see other people doing the same thing.  "I cannot see the future so if I make this decision and it is the wrong one then I will regret it."  So they don't make the decision.  Or they put the brakes on the decision.  We've all heard the adage, "hind sight is 20/20."  That is very true.  In fact, I am such a believer in this that there have been so many times that I have told myself, "if I knew this was going to happen, I would have never made that decision."  But maybe that is the way it is supposed to be.  If all of us sat paralyzed, afraid to make a stupid choice, some of the most wonderful and rewarding things would not happen to us.  My mom had built a little business in California in 1966-68.  She was very happy.  My dad got orders to Bellevue, Nebraska and my mother did NOT want to go.  The company was small enough that she could call the president.  She did and the president told her to go where her husband was stationed with a happy heart.  My mother went (probably begrudgingly) and built a huge business in the midwest.  She was the top person in all of Nebraska and Iowa and South Dakota and Minnesota and Wisconsin and Illinois.  She had the whole midwest.  She could have stayed with her little group in California and never known the difference.  But she went and great things happened.  It's hard to look past today and see the future.  It's hard to look past ourselves and see what our decisions will ultimately do to those around us.  Sometimes we have to take a step of faith and think, "well, if this doesn't work out I can always make another move down the road."  That is better than staying in your comfort zone and not trying and living to regret your indecision.  If you cannot make a decision, find a mature person with whom you can confide in.  If you ask your best friends, they will support you for being you.  Sometimes close people cannot look past the here and now either.  Find a stable, mature person whom you trust if you need a push to stay or to go. (Like the president of my mom's company.)

Lastly.  Relationships.  So many people live in a constant state of turmoil. Sometimes the dysfunction becomes all too encompassing and the people involved can't seem to get themselves out.  We, looking in can see the problems and cannot understand how months and years can go by without any resolution to problems.  My simplified advice is this.  If you need help, get it.  If you get help from people other than professionals, make sure to reciprocate by doing for those people as well.  If you become someone who takes and takes and takes, but never gives, you become an emotional vampire.  Get professional help to sort out your emotions.  Give and take.  People will respect you more when you are involved in mutually beneficial relationships.  When you can be relied on to step up to the plate and do your part, then you are on your way out.  Not all relationships are salvageable.  If you find yourself in a friendship or more intimate relationship that doesn't work even though you have tried to make it, decide on a course of action, ask for support from others and then implement the plan.  Like the Footprints poem.  Sometimes you need to be carried.  Allow yourself to be helped.  But work to get better so that you can help others.  Your experiences can often times be just what another person needs to hear to get them through a similar situation.

There, Courtney.  That's me rambling on about business, jobs, decision making and relationships.  I'll bet you have more to say.  In fact, you probably have better things to say.  Because between the two of us, we could surely save people a lot of problems, huh?

Grief stricken by cleaning out a van

I knew it was going to happen.  For 3 years and 5 months I have been driving around in a Cornhusker Red Minivan.  I thought my days of driving a "soccer mom" vehicle were long gone.  However, about August 2009 my dad said to me in the Wellspring Espresso Patio, "Kell, if I die do you want my van?"  I said, "First of all, dad, you're not going to die.  But, if you do - sure I'll take your van!"

Only a month or so later that man, my dad, Bill Channell went to the emergency room and didn't come out.  We buried him in a Nebraska Hoodie.  His heart was so full of love he defied death for more years than he had but it finally caught up with him.  I told my mom about the conversation and she gave me his van.

I would have never thought to buy a van.  Somehow this van was different.  It was dad's.  The last thing he bought.  He was too weak to go to the dealership so I called a salesman and had him come to Wellspring.  I told him what my dad would like and he brought THE van.  Dad bought it.  He was proud of it.

When I took possession I found a receipt in the glove compartment for gas he bought the day before.  His sunglasses were in another compartment.  His atlas.  Maps.  A Leatherman I gave him for Christmas.  Batteries.  Tissues.  Wet wipes.  Lozenges.  CDs.  Pink Panther DVD.

A few months ago I was talking to my daughter, Courtney.  She and her husband Luke are expecting their third child.  They both drive Toyotas.  A Corolla and a Matrix.  Neither big enough for three kids.  I checked Kelley Blue Book and realized that dad's van and their Matrix were worth about the same.  I knew it would be hard for them to afford a car payment so I agreed to swap vehicles with them.

I cleaned out the van of everything.  I threw away those receipts.  I looked around and knew he would be happy his van was carting around his granddaughter and 3 of his 5 great grandchildren.  He only knew Haven, the first.  She was just a little over one year old when he died.  He loved her.  He had her picture on his phone.  He'd hold it up and say, "this baby made me a great grandpa!"  He'd actually get off his recliner and lay on the floor next to her.  That was hard on that guy but he loved her so much.

You never knew a man who loved to talk more.  Or someone who was generous to a fault.  He loved watching sports and Dr. Phil.  He'd often say, "how's that working for you?"

So to my daughter and 3 grandchildren I pass the Nebraska Caravan!  I hope you drive that thing until the wheels fall off.  I hope your children watch many a movie while driving and you have just enough room to take them and all your stuff!

I love you.  I love you Dad.  I miss you Dad.  The years and months are clicking by and it scares me how long I have been without you.  You were a part of my life every single day for almost 50 years.

Thank you for giving me you in the form of a van.

Healed?

All my life I was raised in a pretty conservative Christian church.  The denomination where we went was (looking back) very strict, very pentecostal and pretty extreme.  I have to admit I was a bit rebellious because everything I had read in the Bible didn't back up the rules and regulations with which we were expected to adhere.

I've always been a Christian but have had questions.  Lots of questions.  I have been exposed to many different Christian denominations when my children attended Des Moines Christian School and when I was a part of Wellspring Christian Resources.  At Wellspring we had many different angles from which to look at Christianity.  We had books about why you should speak in tongues and then we had books about why you should not speak in tongues.  All during that time I was trying to decide what I believed.

So much of it doesn't make sense to me.  Jeff and I are taking an Alpha course at Lutheran Church of Hope.  I'll call it Christianity 101.  Most of what they are talking about I have already been taught.  It is a good refresher.  All it makes me want to do is study the Bible a bit for myself.  Dig deep and decide if what I've heard over and over again can actually be believed - for me - in my life.

The cancer diagnosis has made me over think a lot of things.  Can I really be healed?  Every time I get prayed for I want to believe, but I go to the doctor and the cancer is still there.  Why do some people get prayed for and BOOM, they are cured?  Other people get prayed for and nothing.  They die.  Then someone says, "Oh, they were healed.  Death is healing."  Yes, but.........

Last Sunday's lesson at Alpha was about healing prayer.  I was particularly interested in it for obvious reasons.  I listened to the lecture and then took advantage of the prayer opportunities.  No, there was no evangelist with slicked back hair, pushing me over and speaking in tongues.  (That is what I expected of faith healers due to my experience in the past.......)  There were 4 opportunities.  You could sit in a chair and someone would silently come behind you, place their hands on your shoulders and pray.  When they were done you left.  There was also communion.  There were baskets set up on the stage.  You could write your requests, pray and then go.  Plus they had small groups you could go to and actually express your requests and the group would pray.

I had never thought of communion as more than a ritual.  A remembrance.  However, the speaker talked about it being an opportunity to be close to God.  I saw it differently.  I took it and found some power in it for the first time.  Then I went to the "soaking" prayer circle.  Someone prayed for me.  Then I got up and left.  Tears were coming to my eyes.  I really want this cancer to go!  Then I wrote it down and got in line to place it in a basket.  I went up and my basket just happened to be at the foot of the giant cross at Hope.  I looked up and it towered above me.  I was in awe of where I was standing.  I called out to God to take this cancer from me.  I placed my request in the basket and went back to my seat.  I felt something.  I really felt something.  No organ in the background.  No dancing in the aisles.  No people behind me to catch me if I was slain in the spirit.  No.  Quiet time asking God to heal me.  It was very refreshing!

Then I was watching American Idol and Curtis Finch, Jr. sang and again, I felt God.  I was touched.  It was good.

My mind is opening up to the ways of God.  Not the ways of the church.  Although I am very thankful Jeff and I decided to visit Hope.  He was raised a Lutheran so he really felt comfortable in that setting.  It had just enough familiarity to what I was used to so it was comfortable for both of us.  But what I found was a church that was not judgmental.  They were so different than what I was used to.  Real.  Authentic.  Oh yes, they do the sing, shake hand thing that most churches do, but the Pastor is not preachy.  He teaches from the pulpit and you believe him because he's believable.  He's a regular guy with kids.  I love, oh love the lack of hail fire and brimstone.  I love the way in which he presents the word.  Anyway, it's a good church and Alpha has finally helped Jeff and I to plug in to a giant church.

And I'm looking forward to my next scan because because I actually believe I could be healed.

SLEEP!!!

I've always had a hard time going to sleep at night.  I never drink coffee after the morning and never, ever drink anything with caffeine after 4 pm.

I was one of those who took Tylenol PM to help me sleep.  Then I realized it wasn't wise to take tylenol when you were not in pain.  After reading the back of the Tylenol PM box, I realized the sleep ingredient was the same thing as Benadryl.  So I took Benadryl to make me sleep.

Then the oddest thing happened.  After my surgery in 2011, Benadryl started doing the opposite to me. It made me stay awake.  Obviously my body was screwed up!

During my early days of chemotherapy, I developed an anxiety thing.  I had bonafide panic attacks.  The first one was on an airplane that sat on the tarmac for 3 hours.  I literally freaked out.  My children were mortified and I was going crazy inside my skin.  I felt like I was in a coffin.  Closed in.  Every seat on the plane was filled.  Anyway.  I have never felt so out of control in my life.  The doctor prescribed me Lorazapam which is an anti-anxiety pill.  I NEVER go in a plane without it, however, I have never had an attack like that again.  (I am not on that awful chemo either.....)

So I got in the habit of taking an anti-anxiety pill every night to help me sleep.  I realized I was "hooked" when I didn't have any when I was in Custer, SD last fall closing up our family's cabin.  I really couldn't go to sleep.  When I did sleep it was fitful.

The doctors didn't mind so I have a prescription for it.

Then a friend told me about a study where Melatonin helps with Leiomyosarcoma.  That and my doctor has me take Magnesium.  I figured out just in the last couple days that Melatonin coupled with Calm (a magnesium supplement powder you mix with water) made me go to sleep without the drugs.  I cannot believe it.  I actually went to sleep with supplements instead of a prescription!!!  Yay!!

So if you need something to help you sleep and you want something that is good for you, take Melatonin and Magnesium.  I promise, you'll sleep!

Heart issues addressed

So it was found I had heart damage due to a horrible chemotherapy called doxirubicin or adriamyacin.  Same drug, different names.  You'll know if you ever get this drug.  It's red.  The nurse has to come in and push it into your IV.  It doesn't work for it to drip for some reason.  Anyway, seconds after they push it and unhook you, you can go to the bathroom and your urine is red.  They warn you not to be alarmed.  It is not blood, it's the drug.

So anyway, this drug kicked me in the bum.  I was bald.  I slept a lot.  I was in a clinical trial.  They used that drug with an additive called Theshold.  It was working for quite some time.  Then things turned and they performed surgery.  Little did I know it would effect me like a heart attack.  My heart muscle does not pump enough blood through my heart so I get tired quickly and out of breath.  I cannot exercise like I used to (which wasn't much.....)

So anyway, I got good news.  The Coreg is working.  My ejection fracture went for 41% to 45% since the drug.  If I can get to 50% I will be considered in the normal range.  That's a great goal, I think.

I've also been exposed to a study on Melatonin to help with leiomyosarcoma.  Jeff and my master does not have darkening shades or curtains and the neighbor across the street always leaves all their outdoor lights on.  The room never gets dark.  Well, a study shows that if your body does not have adequate darkness, it can interrupt sleep patterns and actually cause cancer.  The study shows that melatonin helps your body get into a regular rhythm and that may help with leio.  So that all sounds great.

So now I do vitamin C, D, Magnesium, Melatonin, Milk Thistle (for liver) Ubiquitol which is a more potent form of CoQ10.  Plus a cleaner diet.  I also drink Trevo.

So that's what's going on now.  I think I'm pretty much recovered from my liver ablation.  That took a week.  I'm on my two week break from chemo so I feel pretty good!!  Hurray!