Yes, I started this blog a year (almost) ago! The blog of a woman with a big mouth who is scared to death!
I told my mother having Leiomyosarcoma is like being on death row. You know the time will come when you will probably be executed. There is always this nagging fear in the back of your mind. "Will I be here in a year?" "Will I make it through surgery?" I'm scared.
Today I looked at pictures of my grandkids and it brought a tear to my eyes. I may not see them grow up. They are just starting their journey. Me? So iffy.
I don't know of many people who beat this cancer. It doesn't seem to go away. It may lie dormant for awhile but everyone I know seems to get it back. I am on a "list" on the web of people and caretakers with this disease. Everyone signs their posts with their "stuff." The year they were diagnosed. The chemos they've done. The surgeries they have had. The recurrences. So happy for the people who have NED (no evidence of disease) on their signature. But most, after awhile, end up with a spot on their lungs or liver and it ALL starts again.
Me? I've never been NED. It all started with my initial surgery. You cannot cut away at this cancer or it spreads. They did. It did.
On January 17, I go in for another major surgery. A month later I go in for a lung surgery. Four days later I go in for another lung surgery. Another chance at NED.
I'm serving my body up on a platter, Lord!! I'm giving it up! All the prayers, all the determination, all the supplements, all the healthy diet. I'm giving it to you!! 2014!! The year where I try to give it to you, Lord! YOU are the only thing I cling to. I've been fighting for so long. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm sad. Please help me get through this.
