Oh, to be able to go back 40 years and eat an apple. To not drink pop. Too not drink beer. To not be 16 and think it was cool to smoke. Oh, to actually try to do those physical activities. Play some sports. Hey, they begged me to be on the basketball and volleyball teams. Nope. Not interested.
A man I talked to on the phone said to me, "It's easier to prevent cancer than it is to combat it once you've got it." People learn from my mistakes!
Unfortunately that is not how life works. You just do until something undoes you.
I talked to a friend today who just lost her father. Of course she is reeling from the shock of losing her dad. He died 10 months to the day of his diagnosis. I asked her, "if you had to do it over again, do you think he should have done the chemo?" She said NO! I agree. This man did what most of us cancer patients do. We fight! "Give me the chemo!1 I'm gonna beat this thing!!" But what did it do? It made all the months of his life miserable. He was sick and bedridden. Yes, he never recovered from the chemo. It held him down until his body wore out.
I've been battling this "dragon" for over 4 years. It has wore me down. My body is not as strong as it once was. I beg the cardiologist to "do" something to make me have the energy I once had. I ran around today, cooked some food, did a little cleaning and I sat down, Done. Never would I have done that in the past. I would have prepared a couple days in advance so I didn't have so much to do. My mom came over and folded a pile of clothes which had been on the couch, I'd say for two weeks. Just too darn tired to address it.
Life is a series of tests. Pass some. Fail some.
Talking to Chelsea this week and we pinned down something that has happened to me. I've changed. And not always in good ways. Maybe growth but the way I handle them are not always good. Before I got sick I could pretty much handle anything. You throw something my way and make me feel guilty enough, I'd add it to my already busy schedule. You owe me money? A simple excuse or even silence on the issue was never addressed by me. Door Mat Kelly. Stick it to me. I'll take it. I could hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. I got a bit sarcastic after being used and abused for so long but I could handle it. Then I got THE diagnosis. Snap!! Something inside me turned upside down. My filter popped off. I noticed things I had never noticed before like flocks of birds. Stars. Flowers. It was wonderment! I also got irritated. "Hey!! You owe me some money and I want it back!!!!" "Hey!! Mrs. Nice Guy doesn't live here anymore!!"
I got pushed back. I called people out and got verbally abused in return. I've figured something out. The louder people protest and the meaner they are to you verbally, is a way for them to try to force you back into the Nice Guy box.
I went to a support group at John Stoddard and the other participants agreed with me. Their reactions to stupid things are no longer met with a smile and a nod. Now they might say to someone, "oh yeah? How's that working for you?" Or, "can you clarify what you meant by that last statement?" Oh, the freedom of not letting people act and be ridiculous and just smiling at them. Oh, we live in a world where people think they can get away with things by simply lying about them. Or stretching the truth. To witness someone you know blatantly lie. Don't you want to call them out???? Would you??
These are some of the things I've been thinking about. Chemo? Bad stuff. Being real could be good or bad. Standing up for yourself is good. Getting there might be a bumpy road. Preventing cancer is a good thing. Denial is a bad thing. Reaction to things shouldn't swing so far to the right or to the left. A few deep breaths should help. Yoga is my new way to exercise. I think.
