Lately I have been having lots of dreams. Regret dreams mostly. I wake up wishing everything was ok.
My last appointment at Mayo showed 3 spots on my lungs. Every time I have "new" anything I think I panic a little more. I realize that they have tried so many things on me. They seem to work. However, they are reluctant to do the one thing I think I need them to do the most. Surgery.
Here is my reasoning.
Awhile back I was starving so I ran into Hyvee and picked up a package of sushi. I went out to the car and scarfed down the whole box before I got on the road. If you are a sushi fan, you know you can't really eat it while driving.
So that night I started cramping up. I was in total pain. The next morning I was writhing in pain so I called my oncologist. He was gone but his colleague admitted me into the hospital with a probable intestinal blockage. I was in the hospital for 5 days. They gave me morphine for the pain. CT scan to see if I needed surgery. They eventually found out I had a narrowing of my intestine, not a blockage.
So since then I have had blockages twice. I knew it wasn't a total blockage because I could feel rumbling below the area of blockage. So I took sips of water to force the blockage through. Eventually both passed but for 3 days after that I felt like I had been beaten in the stomach with a bat.
Tomorrow I call the oncologist. My reasoning is this. What if I have a total blockage due to the tumor and I have to have emergency surgery here in Des Moines? The surgical team from Mayo did all my major surgery and I would think they would be better qualified to fix an area that they have already had a hand in surgically correcting.
They don't want to do surgery. I don't want to have intestinal blockages.
I feel like a whiner just about now because I am running scared. All I can think of is worse case scenarios.
I have this recurring thought. Why, if I have thousands of people praying for me, do I not get healed? I guess everyone with cancer thinks the same thing. Looking up to the sky, "Why don't you heal me, God?? I will proclaim to the world that I am healed." I truly think I am healed and then I get a bad report. What do I have to do??
People around me want me to act like nothing is wrong. I feel I am always pushed to try to be normal. Maybe that is why I appreciate going places alone. I don't have to worry about people pushing me all the time. I have no dogs, no cats, no BODY who is pressuring me. I call it running scared!! I love the peace and quiet of having no one around me.
Don't get me wrong, I love people and I love my family the most. I guess I'm just wanting a little empathy.
