One thing I have learned over the years is that people do not want you to call them out. People do not want to hear the truth. People want to live in the status quo and never have to step up to the plate.
Why is it people do that? Why don't people make a list, check it twice and go for it? What is that mental block that keeps people from moving forward?
The one thing that has changed for me is the ability to keep my mouth shut. Life is too short. You walk around with a cancer diagnosis held over your head and you notice things. Like birds flying in formation. Flowers. Sunrises. BS. Appearance Management. No longer able to put on a pretty face and a phony smile as people stab you in the back and walk all over you.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Paralyzing Fear.
I went to the cardiologist today for a check up. They have had me on a drug for quite some time to help with the heart damage I have due to a chemotherapy agent I was on.
While talking to the cardiologist, I released as we talked that I am dealing with paralyzing fear. I am afraid of some of the symptoms I have been having so I don't allow myself to do things. When mom and I went to the older adult class at the Y I got dizzy and had to sit down. When I walk up to Chelsea's apartment by the time I hit the third floor I am sucking air. I passed out a couple times in Europe due to low blood pressure. All of these things make me nervous. I'm worried that my heart is failing and that I am going to fall over dead of a sudden cardiac arrest. Meanwhile, not a month ago a friend I worked with at Chi Chi's DID fall over dead of sudden cardiac arrest.
They did two tests on my heart today which will tell if the medicine I have been on has helped. I am going back in a week to go over the test with her. She told me my fear is paralyzing me. I need to figure out if my heart is same or better and then need to ease into an exercise program. I didn't want to whine but I am on chemotherapy right now, too, so maybe I am a little more tired than the average person at my age with a little heart damage.
While talking to the cardiologist, I released as we talked that I am dealing with paralyzing fear. I am afraid of some of the symptoms I have been having so I don't allow myself to do things. When mom and I went to the older adult class at the Y I got dizzy and had to sit down. When I walk up to Chelsea's apartment by the time I hit the third floor I am sucking air. I passed out a couple times in Europe due to low blood pressure. All of these things make me nervous. I'm worried that my heart is failing and that I am going to fall over dead of a sudden cardiac arrest. Meanwhile, not a month ago a friend I worked with at Chi Chi's DID fall over dead of sudden cardiac arrest.
They did two tests on my heart today which will tell if the medicine I have been on has helped. I am going back in a week to go over the test with her. She told me my fear is paralyzing me. I need to figure out if my heart is same or better and then need to ease into an exercise program. I didn't want to whine but I am on chemotherapy right now, too, so maybe I am a little more tired than the average person at my age with a little heart damage.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
A Week To Recuperate
Last Monday, February 18, I went down to Methodist Medical Center to the Radiology Department. I was having a procedure done like I had in September 2011. My recollections of that procedure was it was a piece of cake. I don't remember it taking me but a couple days to rebound.
Felt pretty good after the procedure. They got me home and I went to bed. Didn't fill the prescription for pain pills. The next morning before work, Jeff got me the prescription. I was very achy so I took one and proceeded to crash. Before I knew it a couple days had gone by and I had been sleeping most of the time. The pain in my side felt like I had been knifed in the liver. The fact was, I HAD been knifed in the liver. It still hurts to take a deep breath.
I now know that your liver is right below your breast on the right side of your body. They went in through my ribcage and did a CT scan guided ablation. I think they nuked it with microwave technology. Whatever it was, it worked but left me hurt. I called the nurse and told her the pain wasn't being helped by the pills. They prescribed me more.
Now it is Saturday. I'm off the pills. I have a lot more left. I guess that's good. I have no energy so missed the retreat they were having at Alpha - a course my daughter Chelsea, and Jeff and I have been going to. She made it. (And also made Praise Team!! So proud of her!)
So right now my body looks stable. Still a couple spots on my liver and one in my psoas muscle on my right side. Every time I feel pain I get nervous. I live with a constant worry that something will happen.
I thank everyone for their prayers. I'm sorry to my family that my get up and go kinda got up and went. It's like the week is gone. The week that never was. That's how I felt when I had major surgery in 2011. I often say 2011, for me was a year with 10 months. I literally lost 2 full months. I remember when Courtney came to see me at my moms house, and I said SUSHI! I'll buy if you go get it. That's when I knew I was better. From not being able to eat a thing to moaning and groaning over really good sushi!! I'm hoping Monday roles around and ta-da I'll be back to my old self!
Felt pretty good after the procedure. They got me home and I went to bed. Didn't fill the prescription for pain pills. The next morning before work, Jeff got me the prescription. I was very achy so I took one and proceeded to crash. Before I knew it a couple days had gone by and I had been sleeping most of the time. The pain in my side felt like I had been knifed in the liver. The fact was, I HAD been knifed in the liver. It still hurts to take a deep breath.
I now know that your liver is right below your breast on the right side of your body. They went in through my ribcage and did a CT scan guided ablation. I think they nuked it with microwave technology. Whatever it was, it worked but left me hurt. I called the nurse and told her the pain wasn't being helped by the pills. They prescribed me more.
Now it is Saturday. I'm off the pills. I have a lot more left. I guess that's good. I have no energy so missed the retreat they were having at Alpha - a course my daughter Chelsea, and Jeff and I have been going to. She made it. (And also made Praise Team!! So proud of her!)
So right now my body looks stable. Still a couple spots on my liver and one in my psoas muscle on my right side. Every time I feel pain I get nervous. I live with a constant worry that something will happen.
I thank everyone for their prayers. I'm sorry to my family that my get up and go kinda got up and went. It's like the week is gone. The week that never was. That's how I felt when I had major surgery in 2011. I often say 2011, for me was a year with 10 months. I literally lost 2 full months. I remember when Courtney came to see me at my moms house, and I said SUSHI! I'll buy if you go get it. That's when I knew I was better. From not being able to eat a thing to moaning and groaning over really good sushi!! I'm hoping Monday roles around and ta-da I'll be back to my old self!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
How your life changes......
Mom and I were talking. She said something like, "everyone leaves you." We talked about seasons of life and how things change. You change jobs. Changes houses. Cars. Sometimes you break up with someone. Sometimes your kids grow up and lead their own lives. Sometimes people die. Sometimes you just lose contact with someone from your past who you used to be close to. Sometimes I cannot even remember the names of people I knew way back when.
Then there are subtle changes that happen without you realizing them. You look back and say, hmmm, that's different than it used to be.
Case in point. I never. EVER. watch prime time TV. I haven't since I was a very young person. Before I got my drivers license. I used to watch soap operas. Young and the Restless, All My Children, One Life To Live and General Hospital. I watched them for years. Then I stopped. Then they came on soap net and I started watching them again. Then I thought, "this is ridiculous," and stopped watching them again. Now since I got Netflix, I watch whole series in a few short weeks. I have watched so many. Then I have watched some on netflix and now watch them on regular TV. So I have gone full circle. I haven't watch prime time TV since I was 15. Now I watch Prime Time TV.
This is just one example of how my entertainment has morphed over the years.
But what about your lifestyle? 20s? I had to go out every single night. I wore crazy clothes and spray painted my hair different colors. I drank. 30s? Motherhood. Driving my kids to school and listening to DC Talk and Jars of Clay every single day. 40s? Watching my kids do cheerleading. Going to Basketball games. 50s? Grandma. Dealing with Cancer. When you are really young you just want to be liked. You don't want to be bullied. If your hair is curly you want it straight.
Life is a series of stories. You go from one to another. Mom described it as a video. Not a snapshot. You go along and things change. Change is inevitable. You have to make it through one phase to get to the next. Sometimes the phases we find ourselves in are horrible. Death. Divorce. Disease. Addiction. But you can transition to a much better place. You have to will yourself to do something different. To lean on family and friends. To try.
So here's to this segment of your life and onward to the next.......
Then there are subtle changes that happen without you realizing them. You look back and say, hmmm, that's different than it used to be.
Case in point. I never. EVER. watch prime time TV. I haven't since I was a very young person. Before I got my drivers license. I used to watch soap operas. Young and the Restless, All My Children, One Life To Live and General Hospital. I watched them for years. Then I stopped. Then they came on soap net and I started watching them again. Then I thought, "this is ridiculous," and stopped watching them again. Now since I got Netflix, I watch whole series in a few short weeks. I have watched so many. Then I have watched some on netflix and now watch them on regular TV. So I have gone full circle. I haven't watch prime time TV since I was 15. Now I watch Prime Time TV.
This is just one example of how my entertainment has morphed over the years.
But what about your lifestyle? 20s? I had to go out every single night. I wore crazy clothes and spray painted my hair different colors. I drank. 30s? Motherhood. Driving my kids to school and listening to DC Talk and Jars of Clay every single day. 40s? Watching my kids do cheerleading. Going to Basketball games. 50s? Grandma. Dealing with Cancer. When you are really young you just want to be liked. You don't want to be bullied. If your hair is curly you want it straight.
Life is a series of stories. You go from one to another. Mom described it as a video. Not a snapshot. You go along and things change. Change is inevitable. You have to make it through one phase to get to the next. Sometimes the phases we find ourselves in are horrible. Death. Divorce. Disease. Addiction. But you can transition to a much better place. You have to will yourself to do something different. To lean on family and friends. To try.
So here's to this segment of your life and onward to the next.......
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Emotional Eating
If you've ever gone to Weight Watchers to lose weight you'll know that there are many a lecture on emotional eating. We're angry. We eat. We're stressed. We eat. We're sad. We eat.
I noticed that not only do I eat bad things when I am emotional, but I neglect good things.
I'm not dieting but have changed my diet for the better. I have been concentrating on vegetables and fruit. Organic as much as possible. I grow my own wheatgrass. I make a conscious effort to put good foods in my body to help heal myself.
So for the last few weeks I have been stressed. There are things going on around me that make me sad and angry. Thankfully, no one in my immediate family is having it too hard so I am thankful for that, however it's close enough to me to make me worry, stress, and mad!! Then (as I've ranted to you before) there is a lack of customer service out there, nothing is ever easy. Seems you have to jump through many a hoop to get the slightest thing accomplished. What happened to the good old days? I found myself running all over town yesterday and of course, I got behind every single slow person in the city......
It was sunny. I felt good. Maybe I should harvest the flat of wheatgrass I grew. Who knew if you leave it alone too long you've lost the opportunity to get good juice out of it. I hadn't juiced for a good week. I pulled out the cukes - slimy. The celery. Brown. That's some dollars down the drain.
No. I went for easy. I was stressed. How can we battle our own demons? How can we run to the good food when we are mad? Why does a piece of chocolate look so much better than an orange??
One thing I know is processed food is just easier. It's gloomy outside, you are sad and angry. The motivation to get out all the veggies and fill your body with pure nutrition is thrown out the window for a bagel.
So with the sun and warm weather yesterday came a trip to Trader Joe's and a fridge full of fresh veggies. A new day- a new resolve!!!
I noticed that not only do I eat bad things when I am emotional, but I neglect good things.
I'm not dieting but have changed my diet for the better. I have been concentrating on vegetables and fruit. Organic as much as possible. I grow my own wheatgrass. I make a conscious effort to put good foods in my body to help heal myself.
So for the last few weeks I have been stressed. There are things going on around me that make me sad and angry. Thankfully, no one in my immediate family is having it too hard so I am thankful for that, however it's close enough to me to make me worry, stress, and mad!! Then (as I've ranted to you before) there is a lack of customer service out there, nothing is ever easy. Seems you have to jump through many a hoop to get the slightest thing accomplished. What happened to the good old days? I found myself running all over town yesterday and of course, I got behind every single slow person in the city......
It was sunny. I felt good. Maybe I should harvest the flat of wheatgrass I grew. Who knew if you leave it alone too long you've lost the opportunity to get good juice out of it. I hadn't juiced for a good week. I pulled out the cukes - slimy. The celery. Brown. That's some dollars down the drain.
No. I went for easy. I was stressed. How can we battle our own demons? How can we run to the good food when we are mad? Why does a piece of chocolate look so much better than an orange??
One thing I know is processed food is just easier. It's gloomy outside, you are sad and angry. The motivation to get out all the veggies and fill your body with pure nutrition is thrown out the window for a bagel.
So with the sun and warm weather yesterday came a trip to Trader Joe's and a fridge full of fresh veggies. A new day- a new resolve!!!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Procedure on Monday
This Leiomyosarcoma seems to never go away. The doctors watch me like a hawk and if something starts to grow, BOOM they stomp it out if they can.
So Monday, February 18 I go in for an RFA. Radio Frequency Ablation. Actually my doctor said it is something like that, not exactly but similar. The same thing occurs. They stick two probes into the tumor and then basically fry it. It is 2.6 cm but they will fry 5 cm making sure that all the tissue around the tumor is taken. That's the thing with LMS. You have to have wide margins.
So it is an outpatient procedure. I'll go in in the morning. Get it done and then wait about 4 or 5 hours to make sure I am not in pain or bleeding, and then they will send me home.
So prayers on Monday would be good!!
Thanks!
So Monday, February 18 I go in for an RFA. Radio Frequency Ablation. Actually my doctor said it is something like that, not exactly but similar. The same thing occurs. They stick two probes into the tumor and then basically fry it. It is 2.6 cm but they will fry 5 cm making sure that all the tissue around the tumor is taken. That's the thing with LMS. You have to have wide margins.
So it is an outpatient procedure. I'll go in in the morning. Get it done and then wait about 4 or 5 hours to make sure I am not in pain or bleeding, and then they will send me home.
So prayers on Monday would be good!!
Thanks!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Rethinking the things I expose myself to. The frustrations that are avoidable.
Lately I have been thinking A LOT about the little things that frustrate me. They are not even worth mentioning but they have been bugging me. So I rant.
Words with Friends. I play several people in this game. I am convinced that the Word with Friends people deliberately mess with your mind. You either get U,U,O,I,I,V or X,Z,Y,R,R,R. It never fails. I end up playing words like IT or QI. It just doesn't seem to have any amount of equilibrium in the game.
Then there is Dice With Friends. I bought extra rolls. Suddenly I am rolling all 5s and every roll was great. I ran out of extra rolls. I bought more. More winning. Then I realized it really wasn't fair to have an extra roll per play so I didn't buy anymore. Suddenly I NEVER got a good role. Dice with Friends way to make money. Don't give her a good roll. Then she'll want to pay for more rolls.
Prison Break. I'm watching this on Netflix. Every single episode the "clan" is running away from the company. One minute they are enemies with someone and the next minute they are working with them. They are always getting shot at. They are constantly running. I am exhausted from watching it. It is like a nightmare I cannot wake up from. Someone is shot or has an operation and hours later they are running for their life with no sign of infection or bleeding.
Poor customer service. I take Chloe to Culvers most every day after school. She always has a medium Pepsi with no ice. I cannot tell you how many times she has gotten ice. I walk through a store, no one looks at me, let alone asks if I need help. I wander aimlessly obviously bewildered but still have to seek out a clerk to help me find what I need. I get a coupon code for free shipping or something like that. I use the code and it doesn't work. I email the company and tell them and rather than a "here is a free shipping coupon" reply I get a "we are sorry it didn't work" reply.
People not being honest. I have an intuitive gift. I can see through a lot of facades. I can almost always tell when someone is not being forth right. I do not like being lied to or told half truths. I am a detective by nature and if you try to hide something from me or tell me a half truth, I will not rest until I figure out what is really going on. In fact, there are some people I know that for them to speak is to lie. I have a hard time trusting people now. I have been burned too many times.
Some of these are inconsequential. Some are a bigger deal. What they have in common is they frustrate me. This emotion is not good for my health. I am going to try to eliminate frustration from my life.
How? Maybe I won't play those games on my phone for awhile.
Maybe I won't speak to people who I do not trust. I'll play the superficial game and never be close to some.
I think I'll only shop at places who take me seriously and give me good customer service.
Note: Culvers for the most part is great. They know our order by heart and they tease us. Usually if we get ice it's from a new employee. One gal was putting ice in the drink and heard me yelling outside the window - NO ICE, NO ICE!!
Words with Friends. I play several people in this game. I am convinced that the Word with Friends people deliberately mess with your mind. You either get U,U,O,I,I,V or X,Z,Y,R,R,R. It never fails. I end up playing words like IT or QI. It just doesn't seem to have any amount of equilibrium in the game.
Then there is Dice With Friends. I bought extra rolls. Suddenly I am rolling all 5s and every roll was great. I ran out of extra rolls. I bought more. More winning. Then I realized it really wasn't fair to have an extra roll per play so I didn't buy anymore. Suddenly I NEVER got a good role. Dice with Friends way to make money. Don't give her a good roll. Then she'll want to pay for more rolls.
Prison Break. I'm watching this on Netflix. Every single episode the "clan" is running away from the company. One minute they are enemies with someone and the next minute they are working with them. They are always getting shot at. They are constantly running. I am exhausted from watching it. It is like a nightmare I cannot wake up from. Someone is shot or has an operation and hours later they are running for their life with no sign of infection or bleeding.
Poor customer service. I take Chloe to Culvers most every day after school. She always has a medium Pepsi with no ice. I cannot tell you how many times she has gotten ice. I walk through a store, no one looks at me, let alone asks if I need help. I wander aimlessly obviously bewildered but still have to seek out a clerk to help me find what I need. I get a coupon code for free shipping or something like that. I use the code and it doesn't work. I email the company and tell them and rather than a "here is a free shipping coupon" reply I get a "we are sorry it didn't work" reply.
People not being honest. I have an intuitive gift. I can see through a lot of facades. I can almost always tell when someone is not being forth right. I do not like being lied to or told half truths. I am a detective by nature and if you try to hide something from me or tell me a half truth, I will not rest until I figure out what is really going on. In fact, there are some people I know that for them to speak is to lie. I have a hard time trusting people now. I have been burned too many times.
Some of these are inconsequential. Some are a bigger deal. What they have in common is they frustrate me. This emotion is not good for my health. I am going to try to eliminate frustration from my life.
How? Maybe I won't play those games on my phone for awhile.
Maybe I won't speak to people who I do not trust. I'll play the superficial game and never be close to some.
I think I'll only shop at places who take me seriously and give me good customer service.
Note: Culvers for the most part is great. They know our order by heart and they tease us. Usually if we get ice it's from a new employee. One gal was putting ice in the drink and heard me yelling outside the window - NO ICE, NO ICE!!
Friday, February 8, 2013
Changing up the chemo routine
Right now I am on an oral chemo called Temador. It was originally formulated for brain tumors. Recently it was approved for use on LMS.
You have to take it on an empty stomach so I usually take it first thing in the morning. Well, a pharmacist called me and told me it makes you tired so I should try to take it right before bed. Eureka!! Maybe now I will be able to have a little more kick in my step each day! Excited to start that tonight!
Plus if the sun would break through I think I'd feel a little better. Don't know about you but I really think I suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder.) If it is dreary I just about cannot function. Guess it's time to up the Vitamin D!
And there are some sad things going on with some people I know. My heart aches for them so that doesn't help much. Then I haven't been eating well due to the stress.
So I think I figured myself out. Dreary, stress, chemo, poor nutrition = tired and want to lay in bed and sleep.
Time to pull myself up and get going!
One thing that has me excited is the redecorating of the house. I have found some good deals on Craigslist which makes me so proud. Rather than spending thousands, I'm spending hundreds and getting some really nice pieces. Also this whole purge and organize thing feels good. I really have so much less to do than I had. Weight slowly lifting from my shoulders!
I guess it takes a post on the blog to get me kicked in the bum. No one but yourself, Kelly!
Next week I meet with the radiologist oncologist. Dr. Nish will meet with me and we will plan my radio frequency ablation for the 18th of Feb. They will stick a needle into my liver and basically freeze or burn the tumor. I've had this done before and it was pretty easy to endure. I'm just happy they have the technology to get rid of those nasty cancer cells!! Prayers would be appreciated!! Thanks!
You have to take it on an empty stomach so I usually take it first thing in the morning. Well, a pharmacist called me and told me it makes you tired so I should try to take it right before bed. Eureka!! Maybe now I will be able to have a little more kick in my step each day! Excited to start that tonight!
Plus if the sun would break through I think I'd feel a little better. Don't know about you but I really think I suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder.) If it is dreary I just about cannot function. Guess it's time to up the Vitamin D!
And there are some sad things going on with some people I know. My heart aches for them so that doesn't help much. Then I haven't been eating well due to the stress.
So I think I figured myself out. Dreary, stress, chemo, poor nutrition = tired and want to lay in bed and sleep.
Time to pull myself up and get going!
One thing that has me excited is the redecorating of the house. I have found some good deals on Craigslist which makes me so proud. Rather than spending thousands, I'm spending hundreds and getting some really nice pieces. Also this whole purge and organize thing feels good. I really have so much less to do than I had. Weight slowly lifting from my shoulders!
I guess it takes a post on the blog to get me kicked in the bum. No one but yourself, Kelly!
Next week I meet with the radiologist oncologist. Dr. Nish will meet with me and we will plan my radio frequency ablation for the 18th of Feb. They will stick a needle into my liver and basically freeze or burn the tumor. I've had this done before and it was pretty easy to endure. I'm just happy they have the technology to get rid of those nasty cancer cells!! Prayers would be appreciated!! Thanks!
Monday, February 4, 2013
Avoiding Stress In Your Life
I once had a boyfriend. We got reacquainted at a class reunion. Our relationship centered around going out, having a few drinks, watching sporting events or just hanging out at sports bars with friends from high school. It was all fun and games at first.
Soon, I was over the whole party scene. That was what I did when I was young. Then I realized that to this person the party was his life. Everything about him centered around the next drink.
I became painfully aware that I had NOT chosen wisely.
I see it all around me. People who start a relationship which is based on something other than mutual respect. Common goals. Communication. Same likes and dislikes. When everything is said and done, maybe those people do not have anything in common except the party.
I remember saying to this man. Most people go out and have a good time, stay up late, maybe one or two times a year. You do it every single day. That's when I figured out we had nothing in common.
When you decide to date someone you should ask yourself. Is this someone who I can see myself marrying? Have we been raised with similar values? Do we have a fun side and a serious side?
Never settle in relationships. You deserve to be adored by someone. And you should adore that someone back. You should never get into a relationship with someone who is abusive emotionally, verbally or physically. You should choose someone with a good work ethic. You should choose someone with a team player mentality. You should definitely choose someone who doesn't have substance issues. You should choose someone who is mature.
I like what my cousin did. After her husband passed her first date with a man was a church service and then dinner. Wow!! Let's establish straight up that your relationship with God is important. Now that date has turned into a marriage.
Yes, we all have issues. To be alive is to have issues. But you do not have to add stress to your life by being with someone who does not have your best interest at heart.
Choose right to begin with and you will save yourself a lot of stress. And remember, stress kills.
Soon, I was over the whole party scene. That was what I did when I was young. Then I realized that to this person the party was his life. Everything about him centered around the next drink.
I became painfully aware that I had NOT chosen wisely.
I see it all around me. People who start a relationship which is based on something other than mutual respect. Common goals. Communication. Same likes and dislikes. When everything is said and done, maybe those people do not have anything in common except the party.
I remember saying to this man. Most people go out and have a good time, stay up late, maybe one or two times a year. You do it every single day. That's when I figured out we had nothing in common.
When you decide to date someone you should ask yourself. Is this someone who I can see myself marrying? Have we been raised with similar values? Do we have a fun side and a serious side?
Never settle in relationships. You deserve to be adored by someone. And you should adore that someone back. You should never get into a relationship with someone who is abusive emotionally, verbally or physically. You should choose someone with a good work ethic. You should choose someone with a team player mentality. You should definitely choose someone who doesn't have substance issues. You should choose someone who is mature.
I like what my cousin did. After her husband passed her first date with a man was a church service and then dinner. Wow!! Let's establish straight up that your relationship with God is important. Now that date has turned into a marriage.
Yes, we all have issues. To be alive is to have issues. But you do not have to add stress to your life by being with someone who does not have your best interest at heart.
Choose right to begin with and you will save yourself a lot of stress. And remember, stress kills.
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