The End of a Year of Blogging

Yes, I started this blog a year (almost) ago!  The blog of a woman with a big mouth who is scared to death!

I told my mother having Leiomyosarcoma is like being on death row.  You know the time will come when you will probably be executed.  There is always this nagging fear in the back of your mind.  "Will I be here in a year?"  "Will I make it through surgery?"  I'm scared.

Today I looked at pictures of my grandkids and it brought a tear to my eyes.  I may not see them grow up.  They are just starting their journey.  Me?  So iffy.

I don't know of many people who beat this cancer.  It doesn't seem to go away.  It may lie dormant for awhile but everyone I know seems to get it back.  I am on a "list" on the web of people and caretakers with this disease.  Everyone signs their posts with their "stuff."  The year they were diagnosed.  The chemos they've done.  The surgeries they have had.  The recurrences.  So happy for the people who have NED (no evidence of disease) on their signature.  But most, after awhile, end up with a spot on their lungs or liver and it ALL starts again.

Me?  I've never been NED.  It all started with my initial surgery.  You cannot cut away at this cancer or it spreads.  They did.  It did.

On January 17, I go in for another major surgery.  A month later I go in for a lung surgery.  Four days later I go in for another lung surgery.  Another chance at NED.

I'm serving my body up on a platter, Lord!!  I'm giving it up!  All the prayers, all the determination, all the supplements, all the healthy diet.  I'm giving it to you!!  2014!!  The year where I try to give it to you, Lord!  YOU are the only thing I cling to.  I've been fighting for so long.  I'm tired.  I'm scared.  I'm sad.  Please help me get through this.

I'd like a "do over."

Oh, to be able to go back 40 years and eat an apple.  To not drink pop.  Too not drink beer.  To not be 16 and think it was cool to smoke.  Oh, to actually try to do those physical activities.  Play some sports. Hey, they begged me to be on the basketball and volleyball teams.  Nope.  Not interested.

A man I talked to on the phone said to me, "It's easier to prevent cancer than it is to combat it once you've got it."  People learn from my mistakes!

Unfortunately that is not how life works.  You just do until something undoes you.

I talked to a friend today who just lost her father.  Of course she is reeling from the shock of losing her dad.  He died 10 months to the day of his diagnosis.  I asked her, "if you had to do it over again, do you think he should have done the chemo?"  She said NO!  I agree.  This man did what most of us cancer patients do.  We fight!  "Give me the chemo!1  I'm gonna beat this thing!!"  But what did it do?  It made all the months of his life miserable.  He was sick and bedridden.  Yes, he never recovered from the chemo.  It held him down until his body wore out.

I've been battling this "dragon" for over 4 years.  It has wore me down.  My body is not as strong as it once was.  I beg the cardiologist to "do" something to make me have the energy I once had.  I ran around today, cooked some food, did a little cleaning and I sat down,  Done.  Never would I have done that in the past.  I would have prepared a couple days in advance so I didn't have so much to do.  My mom came over and folded a pile of clothes which had been on the couch, I'd say for two weeks.  Just too darn tired to address it.

Life is a series of tests.  Pass some.  Fail some.

Talking to Chelsea this week and we pinned down something that has happened to me.  I've changed.  And not always in good ways.  Maybe growth but the way I handle them are not always good.  Before I got sick I could pretty much handle anything.  You throw something my way and make me feel guilty enough, I'd add it to my already busy schedule.  You owe me money?  A simple excuse or even silence on the issue was never addressed by me.  Door Mat Kelly.  Stick it to me.  I'll take it.  I could hold the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I got a bit sarcastic after being used and abused for so long but I could handle it.  Then I got THE diagnosis.  Snap!!  Something inside me turned upside down.  My filter popped off.  I noticed things I had never noticed before like flocks of birds.  Stars.  Flowers.  It was wonderment!  I also got irritated.  "Hey!!  You owe me some money and I want it back!!!!"  "Hey!!  Mrs. Nice Guy doesn't live here anymore!!"

I got pushed back.  I called people out and got verbally abused in return.  I've figured something out.  The louder people protest and the meaner they are to you verbally, is a way for them to try to force you back into the Nice Guy box.

I went to a support group at John Stoddard and the other participants agreed with me.  Their reactions to stupid things are no longer met with a smile and a nod.  Now they might say to someone, "oh yeah?  How's that working for you?"  Or, "can you clarify what you meant by that last statement?"  Oh, the freedom of not letting people act and be ridiculous and just smiling at them.  Oh, we live in a world where people think they can get away with things by simply lying about them.  Or stretching the truth.  To witness someone you know blatantly lie.  Don't you want to call them out????  Would you??

These are some of the things I've been thinking about.  Chemo?  Bad stuff.  Being real could be good or bad.  Standing up for yourself is good.  Getting there might be a bumpy road.  Preventing cancer is a good thing.  Denial is a bad thing.  Reaction to things shouldn't swing so far to the right or to the left.  A few deep breaths should help.  Yoga is my new way to exercise.  I think.

Running in the dark and chasing peace and tranquility

Lately I have been having lots of dreams.  Regret dreams mostly.  I wake up wishing everything was ok.

My last appointment at Mayo showed 3 spots on my lungs.  Every time I have "new" anything I think I panic a little more.  I realize that they have tried so many things on me.  They seem to work.  However, they are reluctant to do the one thing I think I need them to do the most.  Surgery.

Here is my reasoning.

Awhile back I was starving so I ran into Hyvee and picked up a package of sushi.  I went out to the car and scarfed down the whole box before I got on the road.  If you are a sushi fan, you know you can't really eat it while driving.

So that night I started cramping up.  I was in total pain.  The next morning I was writhing in pain so I called my oncologist.  He was gone but his colleague admitted me into the hospital with a probable intestinal blockage.  I was in the hospital for 5 days.  They gave me morphine for the pain.  CT scan to see if I needed surgery.  They eventually found out I had a narrowing of my intestine, not a blockage.

So since then I have had blockages twice.  I knew it wasn't a total blockage because I could feel rumbling below the area of blockage.  So I took sips of water to force the blockage through.  Eventually both passed but for 3 days after that I felt like I had been beaten in the stomach with a bat.

Tomorrow I call the oncologist.  My reasoning is this.  What if I have a total blockage due to the tumor and I have to have emergency surgery here in Des Moines?  The surgical team from Mayo did all my major surgery and I would think they would be better qualified to fix an area that they have already had a hand in surgically correcting.

They don't want to do surgery.  I don't want to have intestinal blockages.

I feel like a whiner just about now because I am running scared.  All I can think of is worse case scenarios.

I have this recurring thought.  Why, if I have thousands of people praying for me, do I not get healed?  I guess everyone with cancer thinks the same thing.  Looking up to the sky, "Why don't you heal me, God??  I will proclaim to the world that I am healed."  I truly think I am healed and then I get a bad report.  What do I have to do??

People around me want me to act like nothing is wrong.  I feel I am always pushed to try to be normal.  Maybe that is why I appreciate going places alone.  I don't have to worry about people pushing me all the time.  I have no dogs, no cats, no BODY who is pressuring me.  I call it running scared!!  I love the peace and quiet of having no one around me.

Don't get me wrong, I love people and I love my family the most.  I guess I'm just wanting a little empathy.

Remembered my password!!! Reflections on my stay in the hospital.

I'm laying in bed feeling a burst of happiness.  Yes, happiness!!!  Last week I was in the hospital gasping for breath.

I have had three different chemos since my initial diagnosis on June 1, 2009.  The first, Gem/Tax I was allergic to and it crystallized my lungs.  I only took 3 out of 4 rounds when they had to take me off it.  After that horrible experience, I was bald and sick and found out my cancer had spread despite everything.  I had cancer in my lung and in my liver.  Stage IV.  Pretty ominous, huh?

So then my hair started to grow back.  I had a curly buzz cut.  Then I went on a clinical trial at Mayo.  They did the adriamyacin (the red devil - it is actually a red liquid that they manually "push" into your port (yes, I had had a port installed so I didn't have to have an IV.)  Whoever invented the port should be a gazillionaire because it is the best invention a cancer patient could ever have!

My friends had a benefit for me in Papiliion, NE.  My hair was falling out that night.  By the next day most of it was gone.  Itchy little hairs all over my pillows.  I felt loved.

The clinical trial worked until Christmas 2010.  I went up to Mayo for surgery in January 2011.  I will call 2011 the year of the surgical intervention for me.  The first MAJOR surgery took me a good two months to recover.  I mean, literally.  I couldn't walk up the stairs.  I lost so much weight.  I looked awful!!  Then in July I had a walnut sized tumor removed from my lung.  Then in September I had a couple spots nuked off my liver.

Meanwhile my hair started growing.  I have been bald twice.  Now my chemo curls are gone.  I'm back to wavy for the first time in this 4 year battle.

Then I went on Temodar which is a brain tumor drug.  It was super expensive but seemed to work and I had a pretty good quality of life.  I was on it almost a year and a half.

A tumor grew on my intestine area right back where this all started.  They call it the retroperitoneal.  Anyway, they wanted to do another chemo before they tried surgical intervention again.

Well, if you've been around facebook the last couple weeks you know that was a DEBACLE!  From day one of the Votrient I had side effects.  If you look up the side effects on Votrient, you will see my picture next to it.  Headaches.  Blurred vision.  Depression.  Heaviness in my chest.  Difficulty breathing.  In 3 short weeks my heart went from 50% function to 28%.  I felt like I might be dying.  I really wondered if this is what it felt like to slide down into no return.

But thanks to the docs, I'm on the mend.  I'm feeling happy today.  I go to Europe in a couple weeks, I'll come home and set up surgery.  I'm gonna eat healthy and kick this cancer in it's YOU KNOW WHAT!!!

Futulity

For the last few days I have had this feeling of futility:

futile·ness n.

Synonyms: futile, barren, bootless, fruitless, unavailing, useless, vain
These adjectives mean producing no result or effect: a futile effort; a barren search; bootless entreaties; fruitless labors; an unavailing attempt; a useless discussion; vain regrets.

I have been trying to fight this sickness over and over and over again.  It seems LMS has a mind of its own and no matter how you batter it with chemo, surgery, diet, etc. it never goes away.  I find myself frustrated because no matter what I do, I am faced with the same predicament.

I've also had this feeling in my personal life as well.   I allow dysfunction to affect me.  It brings me to a place where I have to step back and think about why I allow things that are not good for my health to happen repetitively. 

I know for a fact that stress is a very bad thing for people fighting illness.  Unfortunately there are so many stressors in my life.  I've decided I've got to address them and not fall into old patterns.

Someone I was talking to the other day reminded me of the definition of Insanity.

Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of INSANITY!!!

I have allowed myself to fall into patterns which do not prove useful to me and for some reason I think it will turn out differently every single time and it never does.

I realized, the person was right.  I am INSANE!

How do you muster the strength to put an end to the dysfunction?  How do you move on something that you know will be uncomfortable but it is the only thing that can remove you from the dysfunction?

Am I afraid that I might hurt someone else?  Am I afraid of the unknown?  What am I afraid of?  I only have one life to live and in order to live a better life, I have to be somewhat selfish when i make decisions that will affect my health in the long run.

What are the patterns in your life which are not useful?  How can we all make better choices and move forward when the status quo is somewhat comfortable?

Running Scared

I realized something in the last couple days.  Whenever something "new" happens in my cancer fight, I run scared.  The last time they wanted to start me on the Temodar chemotherapy I ran to Cancer Treatment Center of America, to Iowa City and back home.  My oncologist at Mayo said Temodoa and everyone else said it, too.  After I ran, I agreed to start it.

That's what is happening now.  My oncologist in DM, Matt Hill told me I needed to have surgery to remove the new (notice the word - NEW?) tumor.  I ran to Mayo to talk to the surgeons who already knew my abdomen to see if they would do the surgery.  Instead of surgery, the Sarcoma specialist told me he'd like to put off surgery and change up my chemo.

However, then he didn't prescribe it.  I called up to Mayo and they told me to have my hometown onc prescribe it.  Doc Hill said no, that he wanted to see notes are other supporting evidence for the change.  Meanwhile tic toc, tic toc, the clock is ticking and I am no closer to getting the chemo.  My oncologist was able to squeeze me in today so the prescription has been sent, but who knows if the insurance is going to balk since they just sent me a pricey refill of the last drug and will not let me return it even though I haven't even opened it yet.  So I wait.

Meanwhile, my patience is thin.  I posted something on facebook about people needing me to be all things to all people.  I snapped at my husband.  I realized I am scared.  This is the time I need TLC.  I don't need my loved ones to need me to be strong.  I need my loved ones to be strong for me.  If we all start leaning on each other and there is no one to stand, we will all fall.

I run scared.

Yes, I am a very strong willed woman.  Yes, I would even call me stronger than most.  But just once I want my family to understand that I am at my weakest right now.  I am at my weakest when my cancer rears it's ugly head and they need me.  I can't be there.  I need them to hold me up!

I decided I need to work.  I need some kind of thing to focus on.  I need to feel like I am doing something beside sitting around being available to everyone all the time.  I want to go talk to people.  I want to use my skills.  I want to be normal again!!

I have a call into Dr. Lorentzen.  I want her to help.  I want to get rid of this cancer once and for all and I think I am going to need to go on an all out attack.  I'm ready!

Lost my way - FOR A DAY

On the day Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died, I went in for an elective hysterectomy.  I woke up with news that they found a fist sized tumor wrapped around my ureter.  They called in a very competent surgeon who removed it.  They thought it was benign.  Little did they know it was a very rare cancer called Leiomyosarcoma.  They also didn't know that Leio needs to be taken out whole.  With clear margins.  The fact that he took it out in pieces put me on the path I am on today.

It spread.  Some metastasis on my liver and lungs.  Stage IV.  In the 4 years since my initial diagnosis I have had two rounds of IV chemotherapy.  Gem/Tax which I was very allergic to so they loaded me up on steroids.  I only made it through 3 rounds out of 4 because my lungs started crystalizing.  Then a clinical trial with Doxirubicn and a new drug called Threshold.  Did well on that.  But later on realized the Doxi had hurt my heart.  Then I went in for an 7 hour surgery where they removed a recurrent tumor on my ureter.  They took the ureter and reconstructed a new one with bowel tissue.  They also cut out some mets on my liver.

I gained 22 pounds in the hospital.  Fluids that were going in but not going out.  Then I went to stay with my mother.  Slept all the time and immediately lost 50 pounds in a month.  I was gaunt.  Weak.  It took two full months to recover.

I've had a tumor removed thorascopically from my lung.  I've had two radio frequency ablations on my liver which zapped tumors.  I've been taking an oral chemo drug for over a year and now they want me to change chemos to try to shrink a recurrent tumor which is growing in my abdomen.

When I went to Mayo this last week I realized I thought about dying again.  The doctors hadn't seen me in over a year and could not believe how healthy I looked.

They don't know me.  I have gone from a mother of three to a grandmother of FOUR!  The thought of my grandchildren not knowing me had me lamenting a lot!!  It didn't help that I was watching Private Practice on Netflix and every single episode had some crisis and people dying.  I cried several times while watching.

I realized I did my best when I was doing the healthy things like taking massive amounts of Vitamin C and Magnesium and Calcium and Ubiquitol and Vitamin D and juicing fresh fruits and vegetables and eating raw vegan.

I am going to go right back to this!  This is the way I will live.

I lost my way - FOR A DAY!!  I will stop living in denial and realize if it is to be it is up to me!!!

Customer Service RANT!! I am NOT happy!!!

I owned a business for 17 years.  During that time I learned that in order to keep customers and grow your business, you need to gain customers and keep them.  Keep them with exceptional customer service and going the extra mile in order to turn them into loyal, good will ambassadors for your company.

Last year in August I put a $750 deposit down at the Events Center West in WDM for an event in July 2013.  In October I called and said the event was off and I would like my deposit back.  That was 9 months before the event.  The manager told me the only way I would get my deposit back was if they rented the space out for that day.  Well that time has come and gone and I have received no money back.  I don't know about you but $750 is a LOT of money for me.  I told her I use social media a lot and could really give them some great public relations.  I also talk a lot and the word of mouth kudos I would give them would be invaluable.  I didn't, however, threaten her in any way and tell her that I could also do harm to her business by informing the public of their strict policies.

She did tell me that if I book another event there I can put the $750 towards THAT event.

Well, I'm here to tell you that in this economy and in this day and age it is not wise to make the customer angry.  There is nothing worse for business than disappointing a customer.

I've seen it over and over again.  The businesses that do everything in their power to exceed the customer's expectations are the ones who flourish and succeed!!

I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER!!  READ THE FINE PRINT IN CONTRACTS THAT YOU SIGN.  I cancelled a number of other things as well,  Caterer.  No fine.  Church.  No fine.  Everyone was very gracious and asked me to come back if they ever had another event.

I did.  I went right back to HyVee to cater my daughter's graduation open house.  In fact, when I told her about the Events Center West fiasco, she gave me 10% off!!  You can bet I will use HyVee over and over again.  But Event's Center West?  I cannot guarantee even with the promise of the $750 being taken off my bill that I will return.  They basically have held captive $750 of my hard earned cash!!

Buyer Beware!!!!

Then I told her of a couple of people I have worked with.  People that through me and my positive ratings have gained so much more business because of it.  I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, I told her I was an Influencer.  That person who makes a point of telling everybody what a good experience I had.  I like helping people out.  But don't disappoint me.  Not only will I not come back to you, but I will warn everyone I know to beware of questionable business practices!!

Enough Said!

Crazy Weekend

So I was telling you about my CT scan which the Des Moines oncs thought showed a 2 inch tumor and the Mayo people thought it might be scar tissue, WELL............

Thursday night I scarfed down some sushi and later that night I had the worst gut ache.  I figured I ate some bad sushi and went to bed to try to sleep it off.  Woke up Friday and still had a horrible stomach ache.  I ordered an Iced Latte at Starbucks and every time I took a sip my stomach seemed to expand.  I had an appointment and called my friend to cancel it.  I told him I thought I might have eaten some bad sushi.

Later on Friday I was so bloated and uncomfortable and I noticed I couldn't pass any gas.  I knew this wasn't right so I decided to call the doc.  Should I call my family doc or my oncologist or the team at Mayo.  I called my oncologist and they told me to come down and get an X ray.

I did and it showed a blockage in my intestine.  So I got admitted to the hospital.  I was anticipating some surgery and that wasn't good!!  If I did do surgery I wanted the team at Mayo to perform it since they did the last one and "knew" my insides.

Well, later that night (at 11 pm) they wheeled me through a quiet Methodist hospital and performed a contrast CT scan on me.  It showed I did not have a complete blockage but a narrowing in my intestines.  The narrowing is right where I had surgery in 2011.  It was where the CT scan showed a "tumor" or scar tissue.

So I stayed in the hospital all weekend eating cream of wheat and custard and ice cream and jello.  They cheered when I passed gas and had a bowel movement!!  Finally they let me out on Monday.

So I go back to Mayo on July 11/12 to visit with the Sarcoma Team.  We shall see what they want to do.  The consensus in Des Moines was that NO ONE wanted to operate on my abdomen considering the amount of surgeries I have had.  My stomach literally looks like I was slashed with a knife several times.  I am one scarred lady!!  I guess no tummy tuck for me although if I am ever declared cancer free I may do it as a celebration!!!

So that is what happened this weekend.  Out of left field I end up in the hospital.  I'm a very tough person but those pains are NOT fun!!

How Fast Time Flies

Last night I went to a Fleetwood Mac concert.  I remember hearing their songs while visiting my friends, Debbie and Diana Izbicki in my Junior year of high school.  It seemed every time I went out East to see my friends I would be turned on to some new song that hadn't made it's way all the way to the Midwest.  I'd come home and tell my friends, "you've got to hear this!"

So last night I huffed and puffed as we made it to our seats.  Everyone around me had gray hair.  For the most part the crowd was old.  Yes, there were younger people who were probably turned on to Fleetwood Mac by their parents.

Little did we know (back in my high school days) that we were experiencing some of the greatest music recorded.  My husband told me that besides Thriller by Michael Jackson, the record Rumors by Fleetwood Mac is one of the all time best selling records EVER.

I guess a lot of people look back at the 70s and see Disco.  Studio 54.  Some truly ugly fashion and make up and have preconceived notions about how it was back then.  The truth is, life was simpler.  No, we didn't have computers, or smartphones.  Heck most of the people didn't have a microwave.  Our cars all had rear wheel drive and we had to be really good drivers to get our cars up steep hills in the winter.  We were young and full of life.

There was some great, rocking music back in the day.  Straight out drumming, guitar playing rock and roll.  That's why to this day, people with gray hair - old people can still rock!!  Hahahaha

But what I cannot believe is how much time that has gone by since then.  I was 17 when Rumors was released.

Thirty six years later the group can still rock.  Stevie looks great!  Lindsey Buckingham can play a mean guitar and sing.  Mick Fleetwood?  I was worried he was going to fall over dead of a heart attack.  No man pushing 70 should be able to rock a set of drums like he did last night!!!

We were reminiscing about our youth and we realized when that record came out, our parents were in their 30s!!  Yes, in a blink of an eye my life has passed.

You get out of high school and go to college.  You get married.  You have kids.  Then when you have your kids time is set to high speed.  Just look at your children.  Do you have little ones?  How fast did that first 5 years go?  Imagine that in 3 more segments of 5 years, your child will be 20.  And you will be that much older.  I am convinced that when you are a young parent, it sends you into a time warp and you come out the other side with grown kids and grand kids.

The topic of conversation at my 35th class reunion was just that.  How did we get this old?  How did that new album by Fleetwood Mac turn into a Classic?  How did my little children turn into adults?

I cannot fathom it.  I'm sure if my grandma was still here she would tell me how fast her 95 years went. I've heard some things like "Life is a vapor."  I believe it now.  You don't believe it when you are young but you will.  I promise you, you will and it will happen faster than you ever anticipated it!!!

Catching you up!!! On me!!

The past month or so have been a whirlwind!  I had a CT scan which showed a probable two inch tumor growing on my lower bowel.

I got Chloe's graduation over, went to Virginia and Nag's Head for six days, immediately drove to Bellevue, Nebraska for my 35th class reunion and then road tripped to Mayo with my mom to check out the "tumor" on my lower bowel.

Thankfully I had decided to go back to the doctors that had performed major surgery on me in January 2011.  His first instinct was to do his due diligence before he opened me up again in the same area.  The surgery in 2011 totally removed my ureter and a tumor which was wrapped around it like a hot dog bun, took some bowel and reconstructed my ureter.  They also cut some of my liver away which had a couple small tumors on it.  This surgery knocked me down further than I have ever been.  I gained 22 pounds in the hospital since they were filling me full of fluids but nothing was coming out.  Then I got home to recuperate and proceeded to lose 50 pounds in a month.  I was gaunt.  I had very short hair since it was just growing out after some chemotherapy.  My gums were receding.  I slept all day.  It was hard for me to go from the bed to the bathroom.  I had to deal with a catheter for 10 days which would clog due to debris in my urine which was caused by the make shift ureter made of bowel. Apparently bowel always produces debris even after it is repurposed.

While at Mayo I had my first ever colonoscopy.  What they say is true.  The worst part is the fasting and drinking and going to the bathroom numerous times.  The actual procedure isn't too bad.  I was able to see inside and they didn't see anything which looked like tumor encroaching into my bowel, so that was good!

So anyway, all that to say is I am dealing with the same surgeons and team who operated on me back then.  They know my history and are going to make darn sure it is a tumor and not scar tissue before they open me up.  I assume that area is a mess and they don't want to have to mess with it if they do not have to.

So I go back up to Mayo on July 11/12 to run more tests and meet with the team up there.  I supposed they will do a PET scan or a biopsy to see if what they see is a tumor.  Or if it is scar tissue.  If it is not a tumor, I will be the cleanest I have been in a LONG time!!!  I just want to hear the term NED so bad.  What used to be called remission is now called - No Evidence of Disease!

Other news on the health front.  I've been dizzy lately.  I went to the doc today and my blood pressure was very low.  I am going to not take one of my high blood pressure meds.  I think that will help.  I've felt like I am going to black out so many times lately.  High humidity.  Low blood pressure.  Not fun.

And that is that on the health front.  Dealing with lots of other paperwork, etc.  Cleaning out the coat closet and making it into a pantry.  Everything is good!

Scapegoat VS Golden Child

I had a conversation with someone the other day and we discussed these terms.  Usually in a family with dysfunction, children or family members fall into categories.  I wanted to outline these two "roles" that people fulfill to try to shine a light on this.

Here you go.

The Golden Child/Hero

The golden child is the one who “can do no wrong”. This child is viewed as being the best and the brightest; even if they’re not.
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Some golden children play the part well and end up stuck in the role of success-object, and some golden children are entitled troublemakers who are never expected to actually earn anything, due to their already-favored status. Golden children are expected to abandon their authentic selves in exchange for hollow esteem.

Many golden children wake up much later in life to a nice home, a fancy car, a high-paying job and a supposedly perfect family, all of which they suddenly realize they’d like to trade for something more authentic. Other golden children are the opposite; their lives are a mess because they’ve never had to work to earn their status, and the rest of the world doesn’t reward them similarly for doing nothing.

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat is the child who can “do no right”. This child is viewed as being the reason for everything undesirable and bad, even when they excel.

Some scapegoats enter into the trap of trying harder and harder to redeem themselves in the eyes of their family so they can finally be respected and appreciated for who they really are. They can never be good enough, and will burn themselves out trying to get a pat on the back. Other scapegoats succumb to the role of “bad one” and make waves, because they’re always labeled bad regardless, so they give up trying and rebel in anger.

Many scapegoats spend much of their adult lives still trying to be accepted and appreciated by constantly doing more, giving more and trying more. Other scapegoats spark lots of conflict and difficulties. Scapegoats typically wake up later in life and and realize things aren’t as they should be when their constant efforts to gain respect backfire and get them walked all over at work and at home (or when they get themselves into one too many conflicts pertaining to their adoption of a “who cares” attitude).

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More Here: http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/the-four-dysfunctional-family-roles#ixzz2WCyHRdEI

Contentment

Today I feel content.

I don't know.  I went to visit my friends in Virginia.  I went to my class reunion.  I went to Mayo and had some pretty good news.

My daughter, Chloe slept with me last night.  I think she missed me.

The reason I must live a long life is for her.  I am her rock.  Without me she is lost.  The Lord will allow me to stay alive for her.

I have grandchildren.  The Lord will allow me to stay alive for them.

I have family.  The Lord will allow me to stay alive for them.

I have friends.  The Lord will allow me to stay alive for them.

I have no hate.  There have been quite a few times in my life that I have been very angry.  Someone refuses to step up to the plate and my frustration levels go through the roof!  I have released everyone.

People's choices if they do not affect me, are of no consequence.  Who cares?  Everyone has to live their own lives.  Make their own mistakes.  There is nothing I can do about it.

All I want is love.  If you do not love me, I cannot force you to do so.  Maybe I do not love you either.  But for those who I love, I love.  If I want love from someone and they do not have it in them to give me the love I need, then I feel sorry for them.  I must learn to live without their love.  It is a hard pill to swallow but it has to be done.  You cannot force people to do something they either can't or won't do.

So happy to realize these things.

Tryiing to stay positive.

A few months ago my ex sister-in-law informed me that her husband, Blake had cancer.  I was no stranger to this dreaded disease as I have been fighting it since July 1, 2009.  He passed away less than two weeks ago after a nine month battle.  He was 52.

Blake was a good man and I think I have survivor guilt because I am still here and so many I know who were diagnosed after me are gone.

So yesterday was seriously a day from hell.  I had a CT scan scheduled at 9:30 and then a follow up oncology visit at 2:00.  This would give them enough time to do the scan, read it, write a report by the time I got back.  All wrapped up in a nice little package.  WRONG!

I got there at 9:30 and I was optimistic because I had checked in prior to getting there.  I went downstairs to the radiology department.  Usually I go to the radiology department at John Stoddard Cancer Center which is right next door to the oncologist.  Yesterday I went to the hospital so the surgeon who did my RFA procedure in February could gain access to the scans.

I sat there for a half hour before they brought me the first glass of contrast liquid.  I drank it and watched the clock.  Usually they come back in a half hour to give me the next one.  After 50 minutes I went up to the desk and told them I felt they had forgotten me because they always give me the next one in 30 minutes.  She called back and the gal said she was about to come out.  Five minutes later she came out and gave me the next glass of contrast.  I drank it and again watched the clock.  Over 50 minutes later they still hadn't come out.  Long story short, I finally got in at about 11:45.  The scan took 10 minutes and I was out by noon.  Two and a half hours...........

I have had approximately 25 of these scans.  I'm an expert at them.  When I left they didn't tell me not to take my Metformin (which they should have done because the combination of Metformin and the contrast dyes are too hard on your kidneys.)  All and all I was pretty disgusted.

So I ran to Johnston and pulled Chloe out of school early.  Dropped her off, ran over to my mom's to water her flowers (she's out of town) and drove back to the hospital.

My appointment to read the CT scan report was at 2:00.  I got in and was left in the oncologist office.  The nurse poked her head in and told me the scan results were not here yet, the doc would be in as soon as he got them.  He finally came in at 3:09.  Still not results.  We looked at the scan and it looked good.  Finally at 4:00 he released me and told me he would call me when the radiology department FINALLY got the report to him.

I thought I'd cross a graduation open house thing off my list.  I went to Nobbies and bought a bunch of plates, balloons and stuff and then realized I didn't have my phone.  I was about to cry.  I had the girl call me and nothing.  So I went out to my car and looked around.  Someone came out and said a customer had found my phone in the graduation stuff.

I had missed a call for the onc.  He basically told me we had missed a tumor.  I called him back and he told me there was a two inch tumor growing in the same area which my original tumor originated from. It was wrapping around my bowel and needed to be surgically removed because it could cause a blockage and then I would need emergency surgery and that was not good.

So my day of waiting around and not getting anything done was topped with the bad news that my cancer was growing.  The good news?  Nothing in my liver or lungs.  So no real mets.  Just a recurrence in my right pelvis area.

So on I go for the next thing.

I was quite disappointed because I truly felt like I was healed.  I just had this feeling that everything was alright!!

Off to Mayo I go!

Hit over the head today with some REAL awareness!

This morning I was minding my own business and scrolling through Facebook.  I man I met 25 years ago when he was the youth intern at our church posted this and it rocked my world.....

This morning I read the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18. Here's what I realized:

I have a good memory. I can remember things that happened decades ago in my life and I can remember what happened this past weekend in great detail. One of the things that I too often remember is a word or action that someone else took that affected my life. I don't forget - and I don't forgive. It is amazing (and embarrassing) how I can hold on to the smallest slights and the least significant mistakes of others. And all the while I conveniently ignore the things in my life that God has graciously forgiven me for because of what Jesus did on the cross. In the words of Jesus, I end up pushing the telephone pole in my own eye out of the way so I can pick at the splinters in someone else's eye. In the parable of the merciful servant, the King (representing God) asks, “Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” I think, “Yeah God, that's a great question!” Then I think, “Yikes, that's a great question.” So this morning I personalized the question. “Darrick, shouldn't you have mercy on other people just like I have on you?” God's forgiveness toward me is so great, how can I withhold forgiveness from others over so little? God, forgive me. And help me to forgive.

After I read this it dawned on me, I am a judgmental jerk.  I have used my cancer as an excuse to say anything I want knowing that (some) people will forgive me because I have a disease.  I found out the hard way this is not true because I have had so much more flack since the diagnosis than before.

I am especially hard on Christians.  Being a Christian myself, I judge the ones who judge others.  I coined the term reverse judgmentalism.  I have always hated people who look down their noses at others because they are not like them.  I've held resentment towards those people who proclaim to be righteous as they show by their actions just how hypocritical they are.  

I'm constantly writing on facebook how it's done.  How obvious it is to me what you are doing wrong!  Well, I'm here to tell you that I am the Queen of doing it wrong and I ask for forgiveness right here and right now.

I have no right to judge people because I do not live in their shoes.  I don't understand how it feels to have some type of a learning disability.  I have had depression in the past so I have an inkling of what a clinical depression can do to someone, however, how they handle their depression is all theirs.  No amount of "pick yourself up by the boot straps" and passive aggressive posts are going to make people change just because I think they should.

One time someone said to me.  "If you are overweight and someone tells you you need to lose weight, it hurts.  An overweight person knows they are overweight."

People have lots of different issues.  Some people are hooked on cigarettes, some have problems with drugs and alcohol, some don't have good self esteem,  some don't have it in them to recite the alphabet without getting distracted before they hit the letter R - to ask that person to do a series of things in a particular order to try to accomplish a goal might be impossible.  For me to ask my child with autism to behave differently just because I said so is absurd.

Don't you think the person who is addicted to cigarettes KNOWS they need to quit, just like the obese person KNOWS they need to lose weight?  Is it my job to constantly remind them of their shortcomings?

So as outspoken as I am, today I am going to try to stop obsessing over other people's stuff.  (Unless their comes a time which I feel I need to intervene, but I'll keep that to myself and not announce it on Facebook.)

My other friend posted something today as well, something about facebook being a public forum and if you proclaim something on your status then you are fair game for the repercussions.  In fact, you should expect it.

So for those people who frustrate me, I now choose to pray for you.  I am not your conscience.  No one has died and left me in charge of everything.  Hopefully you choose to try your best every single day.  I know there are some who make life hard on themselves by trying to take shortcuts and by trying to get something for nothing,  They are the ones who have to live with the consequences of their behavior, just like we all do.  The world calls it Karma, the Bible says you reap what you sow.  It is not my job to punish you if you don't meet my expectations.

So there it is!!

Rant about people taking advantage of other people's niceness.....

 Why do you think people do not want to be held accountable?  Have you ever experienced when you finally hold someone accountable then they lash out and you become the bad guy?  This is apparent in so many situations.  At the work place if you come in late or call in sick too much and you are called on it, suddenly the boss is a jerk.  You owe someone money and when they ask for it, they are a jerk.  You help someone out on numerous occasions but when you need help, they are no where to be found.   So if you ask them about it, they will be offended that you asked.  Someone you know enables people to be irresponsible but when you mention it, everyone freaks out like you have said something you shouldn't say, diverting attention away from the enabling.

Holding people accountable.  But wait.  I want everyone to like me so I'll just look the other way and not do anything when people do not hold up their end of the "proverbial bargain."  I was a lot this way as a young parent.  It was hard for me to discipline my children.  I figured I was so cool they'd want to be perfect for me.  I never made them clean their rooms or help with chores.  I was basically their maid. I did everything.  Sometimes things didn't get done because I didn't have it in me to do it all and I didn't have it in me to expect someone else to help.  They have apologized for not helping more now that they are grown and see how much work it is.

This is wrong.  A friend at Wellspring told me that people want boundaries.  People want to know what the expectations for them are.  They want to know the minimum expectations.  The people who are go getters will try to do better.  The people who are slackers will at least do the minimum, and if they don't then they know it and the consequences are their own fault.  (but again, they will probably blame the boss for being mean, etc.)

I grew up as a People Pleaser.  No one expects me to stand up for myself.  I think I've made some people mad by saying, "No, you owe this to me and I will not back off.  You have taken advantage of me for years and the advantage taking ends now."  Boy, not want people who used to be able to talk you out of things want to hear.

I've noticed this among some people.  While we were in business people would come in and want us to basically give them things because we were a Christian business.  Or play our business off of others to get the best deal.  People playing the "christian card" too much.  I usually bent to their demands because I truly wanted their business and I wanted them to like us.  Also when pastors get away with stuff because their flock cannot question the shepherd of the flock.  It is too much.  What it amounts to is people getting away with bad behavior.  I remember being told "never fire anyone, counsel them out."  Baloney!!  If they deserve to get fired, fire them!!!  Employees coming and going as they please. Not accountable to anyone.  Putting their schedules above the needs of the business.  Why not?  If you are in a situation where you can get away with anything, why not take advantage of it?

That's the question isn't it?  Blessed are the people who know they can get away with things but don't because their internal compass doesn't allow them to take advantage of others.  That's what you call integrity.

So all those people out there who live their lives taking advantage of others and making excuses for bad behavior, we know it.  You are not fooling anyone.  We do not respect that part of you.  We will respect you when you do at least the minimum standard, not less.  More would be great.  Don't you want people to think of you as "the person you can count on?"

Love Languages

Today I went to lunch with two of my favorite people, my daughters, Courtney and Chelsea.  We were talking about Love Languages.

What is a Love Language?  It is that thing that rings your bell.  It makes you feel loved.  Some people love getting gifts.  Some people love words of encouragement.  Some people like to spend time with you.  Some people want sexual intimacy.  Some people want help around the house.   Some people like to do things with you like go to a sporting event, or play a game with you.  Some people want admiration.  Some people want respect.

Whatever it is, everyone has one.  For me, I like words of encouragement and help around the house.  All people to say I look pretty, I am smart, I am talented, I am going places, I have it in me, I was a great student, I seemed to really have empathy for people, I am a good teacher, I show people love, I am a good salesperson, I am a quick study.  ANY WORDS that said, "You are special."  Those are the words that make me feel good about myself.

My daughter, Courtney's love language is gifts.  Courtney loves to think about it and to give the perfect gift.  She also really appreciates it when someone gives her a gift that obviously has had some thought put in it.  It makes her feel special to know that you really thought about what would make her happy and then gave her that thoughtful gift.

I think the key to both Courtney and my love language, is that we can spot a fake a mile away.  If someone doesn't give me words of encouragement but then lays them on thick in a card, I grimace knowing that the words are not sincere.  Courtney really doesn't care what the gift is as long as she knows you really tried hard to find that perfect gift.  For her to get a gift that she knows was purchased off the sale rack, bought at a gas station on the way to her party or a gift card with nothing in mind, is not a loving way to show your appreciation for her, it is a way to fulfill your obligation because of the day.

I think it is everyone's obligation to find out what their loved ones love language is and then make an effort to fill their cup with THEIR particular love language.

Fighting for popularity

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

This is hard for me to admit but I am going to.  

I remember in elementary school the "cast system" had already started.  You were a popular kid or good in sports or naturally pretty.  I didn't realize it until I was an adult, but living in a military town there were officers families and enlisted families.  The officers were the elite.

As a young child I was very insecure.  I didn't want to be bullied.  I wanted to be liked.  

In junior high I realized if you were a cheerleader you were automatically popular.  I set my sites on being a cheerleader.  I practiced day and night.  I was obsessed (I know now I was REALLY obsessed.)  If I didn't make cheerleading I was no body.  I remember in 9th grade I didn't make it but all my friends did.  I was devastated.  So what did I do?  I joined a lot of different clubs and ran for President of the clubs.  I was PE Leadership president.  I read the announcements over the intercom.  All ways to make myself feel popular.  My hair was curly and everyone else had straight hair.  I struggled with my weight.  In 9th grade I dropped a bunch and was thin all through high school.  For the rest of 9th grade I practiced cheerleading.

The next year I went to Bellevue High School.  At cheerleading try outs I went wild.  I finally made it.  I was the Sophomore cheerleading Captain!!!!  

I ran for student government and was elected Sophomore Class President.  I was in Student Council.  

But my cheerleading days were not easy............

To make a long story short.  I was jerked around by the cheerleading sponsor.  Mrs. C just didn't seem to like me.  I had gotten moved up to Junior Varsity my sophomore year because someone from the Varsity squad had moved.  The next year when I tried out for Varsity, I figured I was a shoe in.  I didn't make it and was sick about it.  Later I had one of the judges come to me and tell me that Mrs. C had told the judges before tryouts that I was too tall for the Varsity squad, she told them I would make a better JV Captain. I realized after try outs that several kids whose parents were either a principal or teachers had made it over me and that Mrs. C had basically told the judges who to vote for.

The next year (as revenge) I worked the sophomore and JV squads very hard and when we got to cheer camp, we outscored the Varsity squad.  The Varsity captain started hyperventilating.  Mrs. C came up to me and sarcastically said, "Well, if it isn't the Superior JV Captain and her girls....."

From that time on I had this extreme rebellious streak.  I was plain and simple - furious.  During a Varsity game it started pouring so I dismissed my squad to leave.  We were in big trouble for leaving but I told them they didn't come to our games, why should we be demanded to attend theirs?  Especially sitting in the stands in the pouring rain!!?

I met some kids in class that were complete opposites of me.  I started hanging around them.  My best friends had moved after my sophomore year so I needed new.  I started partying.

The next year I tried out for cheerleading and didn't make it again.  I snapped.  Not only had they split our school and separated our senior class, but I didn't make cheerleading again.  The squad that was chosen was horrible and did poorly at camp.  Then someone was moving so they called me at the end of the summer and wanted me to come back.  I stormed on the scene, whipped the team into shape but was just not interested anymore.  I quit cheerleading at semester.

From my junior year until about age 26 I turned from an aspiring, up and coming cheerleader, Sophomore class president, up beat person to a Boone's Farm Country Quenchers drinking, Miller Pony drinking, pot smoking, rebellious person.  I had a huge problem with authority figures.  

I went from that insecure little girl who had aspirations to be popular and great, to an angry, "I don't care what you think" person.  

As I read the Henri Nouwen quote it became clear to me.  An adult had rejected me.  An authority figure had tore me down.  My parents didn't go to bat for me (I'm not blaming them) and I was left feeling worthless.  I proved her right.  I stopped being who I aspired to be.  I went through life numbing myself from the pain.

One person had derailed me.  I didn't do well in college.  I spent so much time drinking and smoking that my life had gone out of control.  One person.  

When I grew up and finally started turning my life around and had kids I understood that I had to make it my priority to give my girls enough love to make them feel worth gold, to make them feel accepted and to feel loved.  I know I didn't do the best job but I tried.  And when my girls got into cheerleading and I watched them going through similar situations with some of the cheer coaches, I was the first person to call the coach and question them.  My hurts often came back when I watched my girls go through the political system in their school and in their extra curricular activities.  I know I didn't make many friends through that process because that's when I became maybe too outspoken.  I wanted to defend my child when I felt they were wronged.  

I warned them a lot about making bad choices.  I've helped them get through those stages during school that happen to all kids.  Dealing with bullies.  Dealing with a teacher they didn't click with.  Dealing with unfair school politics.  As a single parent I had to try to be there for them while taking care of a younger sibling with autism.

I live my life with regrets.  I wish I knew as a young child that I was special.  Unique.  Perfect.  That it didn't matter if someone in power kicked me to the curb because all of that doesn't matter.  I hope I instilled in my kids that they are loved beyond measure and there is nothing they could do that would make me love them less.  And when life hands them unnecessary trauma, that they can get through it because it isn't who they are, it is something that happened to them.  They are still the very cool, loved people they always were and being a cheerleader or a popular kid or the child of a teacher doesn't make them any better than anyone else.

Now I am much older and much wiser.  No one has the power to take who I am away from me.  No amount of manipulation, guilt, shame or coercion can derail me from knowing that I am me.  And being me is GREAT!

Is anyone really HAPPY?

Each day I go to Facebook and I scroll down.  There are so many "self help" posts that I share.  Constant reminders to not let other people get you down, to love yourself, etc. etc.  Some sarcastic and funny.  Some deep.  Some that are naughty.  I read them and try to internalize them.  It seems I am trying to undo some of the baggage which I have carried around with me for so long.

Something hit me today.  Are we all searching for that perfect place of bliss?  Do we wish we could always be in a good mood?  Do we wish we had that perfect marriage?  Do we wish we were doing better in our career or that we even had a career?  Do we wish we were in better health?  I know all these things are true.

It seems it's hard to live for today.  We look back and regret.  We look forward and hope.  But today gets by us.  I have this and this and this to do.  I'm too busy.  I didn't sign up for this.  This is not the way it was supposed to be.  My plan backfired on me and it's not working out.

I remember once I had everything figured out.  My plan was implemented.   Unfortunately that plan involved another person and they did not perform in the way I had anticipated and the plan blew up in my face.  I was mortified.  The person turned out to be nothing like I thought they were and because of that I had to revert back to a place I was trying to get away from.  I was very resentful to that person.  Because of them my plan didn't work.

Have you ever had everything figured out and then it didn't work the way you had anticipated?  Does that make you mad?

Don't you just want to be happy???  Does it exist?  As long as you are trying to find happiness in another person, you will never be happy.  You have to find happiness in yourself.

Some new healthy choices

Well, I really wasn't supposed to announce this to the world but I am trying my hand at a 10-Day Detox.  I didn't announce it on Facebook as I do with everything else it seems.

Fresh juices, soups, smoothies, teas.  I learned something the hard way.  Do not juice a bunch of fruits and vegetables and then guzzle them down.  For me that is an instant trip to the bathroom and a sick stomach.  Today I learned to sip on the juice for an hour.  Nourishing my body with every sip and not freaking my system out.  Lots of fluids.  Giving my digestive system a break.

Then I was introduced to a company called Prudent Produce.  My friend, Sheree Clark suggested this company for fresh organic produce.  They will deliver it to my door.  As far as I can figure, I'll spend less money than I normally spend and get a lot better produce.

Jeff told me he would build me two raised beds.  I am excited to grow my own vegetables this year!!

These are three things I am doing!

Toxic Emotions

I walked into Wellspring yesterday.  Just 3 days until a 70 year old business closes it's doors.  It was during my last few years there that I had symptoms (a pain in my back) and then was diagnosed with cancer.  Because of my pain and my quest for self awareness, I gravitated towards the health section of the store.  One book, Deadly Emotions caught my eye and I decided to read it.

Because of the circumstances and dynamics of my life, I found myself in a constant state of stress.  For a time I would even diagnose myself as having clinical depression.  I cried a lot.  Laid in bed a lot.  I had this overwhelmingly futile feeling.  I felt trapped in my circumstances and felt there was no good way for me to get out of them.  Perhaps you have suffered from this as well.  Only those who have been really depressed know the extent at which it can paralyze you.

Anyway, after reading the book Deadly Emotions I realized that every single bit of bitterness, anger, rage, hate and stress could effect my body.  To this day I wonder if one of the factors causing my cancer was the amount of rage and bitterness I felt.  I truly could not get over some of the things that made me so angry and yet I felt so helpless to do anything about.

One of the hardest things to do is to let those things go.  Especially stress.  If you are living with something that stresses you it is hard to release that stress.  It may be financial problems, relationship problems, health, job loss - you name it.

Also it is very hard to forgive.  How do you forgive someone who keeps hurting you?  What if they don't perceive the hurt?  It is just the way they are but for you, it feels like a constant wounding.  With every snide word, sarcastic comeback, belittling statement, condescending glance, the anger gets the most of you and you don't want to forgive that person.  The unforgiveness turns to bitterness.

So what does that do to your body?  It places unnecessary stress on your heart.  It causes aches and pains and cancer and stomach issues.  It effects your body.  It hurts you not only psychologically but physically.

We've got to release the toxic emotions.  We have to forgive knowing that the person who we are forgiving may never acknowledge they need forgiving.  We need to breathe in the midst of our stress.  We need to go to counseling.  We need to exercise.  We need to eat healthy.  We need to let go and let God!

Doing my due diligence

I've been raised a Christian all my life.  Fact is, I have believed it, too.

I remember taking an INSTE class through the Open Bible Churches and telling my group I always felt like there was this elite group of people who get it and I am not a part of that group.  Always felt like I couldn't get to the next level - like I was an outsider.

Maybe because as a child and young adult my faith was really a religion that scared the hell out of you or shamed you to death.  The end of the world was always near and I would surely be left behind if I happen to be in a bar or some other "non-Christian" place during the rapture.

I think my brother would agree with me.  Everything we ever did we were made to feel guilty about and so two young kids who were raised in a pentecostal world did everything we could to do our own thing.  I suppose our parents couldn't understand where they had gone wrong with their children pretty much being hellions (in their opinion.)

Despite my crazy young lifestyle, I always believed the basic Christian tenets.  Still perk up when I hear of natural disasters or wars on the news.   I go along acknowledging the Christianese.  I understand the verbage and became a master at Church-speak while working in a Christian bookstore.

I was talking to a friend who is approaching retirement age.  She's still working with a tyrannical boss but has developed a "I don't care" attitude.  She understands that she could quit right now and have retirement to fall back on so she no longer has to take the bosses stuff.  It's a freeing thing for her.  It's the same feeling I have had since I was diagnosed with cancer.  I just don't care anymore.  I mean, I care, but in light of what might happen to me, I am free to say things I would keep to myself before.  I try not to be too harsh, but I can see through facades and I just can't sit back and listen to lies and half truths without calling people out.  I have no tolerance for anyone who is phony.  If you cannot be yourself, then I have a problem with that.

Anyway, so I decided I wasn't really going to accept my Christianity at face value.  I no longer was going to accept the argument, "that's what the Bible says so it is true."  Ok, but how do you know the Bible is true?  I think the Mormons think the book of Mormon is true.  The Muslims believe the Quran is true.  The Jewish think the Old Testament is true but not the New Testament.  The New Agers believe God is in us.  The Scientologists think L. Ron Hubbard was THE man.

So I am on my quest for truth.

When I met and married Jeff we started attending Lutheran Church of Hope.  Mostly to give him his Lutheranism because that's what he felt comfortable with.  Little did I know that we would enter a mega-church who actually "gets it."  Mike Housholder is the pastor and when he teaches he basically tells you, "if you do not believe it, check it out."  He talks of historical evidence of Jesus' death and resurrection.  He doesn't do a song and dance on the stage that is such a turn off to me!!  He doesn't try to scare you to death or make you feel guilty.  Whatever this man learned in seminary made him a great leader in a church that keeps growing by leaps and bounds.

So here's what I am doing.  I am vulnerably asking God to show himself to me.  I am doing research on the historical evidence of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  I am reading the Bible and trying to figure out if this is a credible account of the Jewish Messiah.

I want it to be true.  I want to know what Jesus means by "I am the way the truth and the light.  No one comes to the Father but by me."  Does that mean that if you have not accepted Jesus as your Lord and personal savior that you will not get to the Father?  What about the people who have never heard of Jesus?  Or the people that came before Jesus?  Is there really a hell that people are banished to forever and ever?  Do we really go into the air and live with Jesus and God on a cloud "drinking kool aid out of styrofoam cups in a church basement" scene.  (That last quote was from John Eldredge's book The Sacred Romance - love him - such a great speaker!)

I no longer will accept it because that's what everyone who has kids at DM Christian believe and to not believe it makes you a heretic.  I won't believe it because my parents told me that's how I should think.  I won't NOT believe it because a very smart person tells me it is a fairy tale and a crutch.  Fact is, I don't need a crutch.  I won't believe it to stay in the good graces of other people.  But I won't NOT believe it to stay in the good graces of other people.

So what do I hope to accomplish with my studies?  I hope to find out that I can believe it.  I'm not gonna lie.  I want it to be true.  But I don't want to be even for a minute one of those Christians who says AMEN all the time or who starts every conversation with a Bible verse.  I want to be someone who understands it, believes it and exudes it from my very being.  Not because I look down my nose at you because of your "sin."  Or has a "holier than thou" persona.  If Christianity means that than I do not want any part of it.

I look at churches.  All of them.  I don't think they look very much like the early church.  I just can't see a bunch of men in sandals walking into a tent and shaking hands with a greeter who dutifully hands them the sequence of events scrolled on papyrus.  I can't see them sitting in rows of benches.  Standing to sing repetitive songs.  Sitting for announcements.  Standing again.  Taking an offering.  Then Jesus comes up but he has slicked his hair back.  He tells the Good News by reminding you to give him money and never drink a beer.  It all seems so foreign to the Jesus you read of in the New Testament.

I'm digging deep.  I went to be prayed for during Alpha and I stood at the foot of the cross and looked up.  I prayed to be healed and I was touched.  I went to Easter service yesterday and was touched many, many times.  It felt true.  It felt right.  But is it?  Was my feeling the Holy Spirit wooing me unto him?  Or have I been programmed to respond that way?  The more beautiful the song and the better the singer gives me more of a touch than someone who goes on stage and butchers a song?

I would like to read some books.  I've read some of the well known apologetic books like "Case for Christ."  My only problem with that book is that the author, Lee Strobel does not interview anyone who doesn't believe.  He only interviews Biblical scholars.  Of course, they are going to defend the Bible.  I welcome suggestions from people on good books to read.  I want to find out what and where.  I don't want to be categorized.  I want to figure it out on my own.

This is an aside, but I feel the same way about politics.  I read people's posts on FB and realize there are some widely varied opinions on politics.  I don't want to believe something just because my parents believed it or because most of my friends believe it.  But again, I am not going to agree with someone else just because their argument is louder and prouder than the next...

On a quest for answers.  I welcome comments.....

I want the stress to go away

I was talking to a friend today and she said to me, "you don't need the stress.  You need to put every ounce of energy into healing and health."

I realized that there is a lot of stress in my life.  Not only am I dealing with cancer and chemo, but I'm dealing with a child with autism, another child who is a single parent who is working and going to school and another child who has decided to stay home with her three children and live on one income. These are normal stressors which I can deal with.

But it's the other stressors which take a toll on me.  It's problems other people have that somehow infiltrate me and my family.  It's the closing of the business we ran for 17 years.  It's the emotional demands placed on me which I cannot bear the weight of.

I have been digging into faith issues and trying to figure out where and why.  I wonder why people hurt my family?  What did we do to deserve the rejection and hurt?  I wonder why I cannot depend on very many people?  I wonder why I cannot rise above everything?  I wonder why I get sucked into doing things I do not want to do and people do not realize that their demands on me are too much.

I want the stress to go away!

I used to be...........

When I was a child, I would watch my dad play fast pitch softball.  He was pretty well known around the Omaha area as an excellent pitcher.  Our church team won a lot of championships.  Dad also played church league basketball.  He used to be a jock.  He was good at a lot of sports.  Not only did he enjoy watching sports, but he enjoyed playing sports.

When he got older he had heart problems and diabetes.  He could barely walk.  That man who used to be a jock was living in a body that no longer allowed him to be the person he once was.

I used to be young.  That illusion of invulnerability.  Always young.  Always healthy.  WRONG!

I have tried to instill into other people how ignorant we all are until it is too late.  Well, I guess I cannot say we ALL are ignorant because there are some people that get it.  Some people exercise and eat healthy because it's the right thing to do.  How many people put their heads in the sand and continue to do things to themselves that will not lead to a healthy body down the road?  A lot of us.  How many people have you seen gain weight over the years?  How many people do you know of who suffer from arthritis or cancer or other things that change their lives?

Right now I consider myself marked.  Before I would think about tummy tucks or botox or other things that might enhance my appearance.  Now, I am not worthy of such things.  I have been transferred into a group of cancer fighters.  My abdominal surgery left me with a big scar and an uneven belly.  I have an area on my stomach where the abdominal wall is too thin.  My oncologist poo poos me when I ask about having the area fixed.  "You've got more important things to worry about."  So suddenly you are no longer a person who gets to think about normal things.  Why should you when you are fighting for your life?  I know that I cannot give blood.  I cannot donate my organs.  I also cannot get an organ.  A liver transplant might save my life in the future but I cannot get one because I have cancer.

I used to be walking along minding my own business when BAAM!!  My life changed.

An outsider can always solve your problems

My daughter, Courtney and I were talking.  There are several things going on around us that we observe and feel that we could solve.  She asked me why it is that she feels she has all the answers and the people living with the problems don't seem to have a clue?  Or if they have a clue, their lack of movement or perceived lack of initiative seems perplexing and questionable to us?

So from a couple of girls who think they have all the answers, here are some general suggestions to everyone in a situation that they cannot seem to get out of.

First thing.  Business advice.  I remember when my mom and I started doing the Christian Retail thing. We would go to convention and pay to get training on how to do it.  We got a lot of advice.  The one that sticks out the most to me was this.  Only stock in your store things that people will buy.  That proved very hard in the beginning.  What do people want?  You've got salesmen from every publisher, music company and gift company telling you to buy their stuff.  At first you buy everything because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and then you realize you can't pay the invoices on time and that way of buying goes out the window.  After years of buying and having it all computerized, you could pretty much predict how a certain author's new book would do.  We also realized we couldn't buy based on our taste.  At first we had a lot of florals in the gift gallery.  That was my mom's taste.  Then we had a different buyer and we had lots of lace.  It was an art to let go of personal preferences and stock a variety of things that would appeal to a larger audience.  We had a motto and that was even if we didn't personally believe the way a certain author believed, as long as their basic Christian beliefs were right, then we didn't let denominational differences get in the way.

So what about business in general.  

1.  Advertise.  You must keep in constant contact with your customers.  Especially your good customers.  If they keep coming in and keep buying, keep sending them catalogs and coupons.

2.  Location, location, location.  What once was a good location may not be now.  Make sure you are where your customers will already be.  Now?  In the Des Moines area?  That means near Jordan Creek Towne Center.  A few years ago the mall wasn't there.  Now everything is there.

3.  Give exceptional customer service.  A recent review of the worst customer service companies placed Walmart as the worst.  If you cannot discount your merchandise to compete with Walmart, than you maybe should be great at what they don't have.  Customer service!

Now advice on job hunting.  In 2008 we had a major collapse in our economy.  Many people are out of jobs.  I've heard stories of men and women who went from senior management to doing whatever they could to earn a paycheck.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of proud people out there.  People who will not "settle" for something beneath them.  So even if the economy turns, when applying for a job, the interviewer might ask what they've been doing these last months and years.  I guarantee the person who tells them they were doing anything to put food on the table is the person they will hire over the proud, educated person who would not lower themselves.

Case in point.  In the early 1980s I worked at the busiest restaurant in the state of Iowa.  Chi Chi's rocked the corner of 22nd Street and University in West Des Moines.  Busy ALL the time.  A new company bought us and their Vice President was a very dynamic up and coming restauranteur.  I wanted management and I let the VP know it.  He would talk with me and I would let him know that I wanted to move up.  I tried very hard to be the best at what I did so I could become an assistant manager.  There were others who wanted management as well.  Two men in particular were very interested so he asked me what I knew about them.  The thing he confided in me was his hesitation in hiring them due to lapses in their job history.  He felt he couldn't trust his restaurants to people who didn't CONSISTENTLY work.  I didn't realize it back then but I do now.  Your window of opportunity to work your way up and make something of yourself is a pretty small one.  If you stop and start and stop and start and do not humble yourself by starting at the bottom and working your way up, you may miss it all together and find yourself older and unemployable.  So the key is, don't be too proud to do anything.  Get in at the bottom and show them what you can do.  Before you know it you've made a career out of it.

Next, don't make decisions based on fear.  A month or so ago I wrote about my fear of falling over dead from a sudden cardiac arrest.  My cardiologist reminded me that living in fear was not a way to live.  It made me paralyzed to move forward.  Every decision I made was based around this fear.

I see other people doing the same thing.  "I cannot see the future so if I make this decision and it is the wrong one then I will regret it."  So they don't make the decision.  Or they put the brakes on the decision.  We've all heard the adage, "hind sight is 20/20."  That is very true.  In fact, I am such a believer in this that there have been so many times that I have told myself, "if I knew this was going to happen, I would have never made that decision."  But maybe that is the way it is supposed to be.  If all of us sat paralyzed, afraid to make a stupid choice, some of the most wonderful and rewarding things would not happen to us.  My mom had built a little business in California in 1966-68.  She was very happy.  My dad got orders to Bellevue, Nebraska and my mother did NOT want to go.  The company was small enough that she could call the president.  She did and the president told her to go where her husband was stationed with a happy heart.  My mother went (probably begrudgingly) and built a huge business in the midwest.  She was the top person in all of Nebraska and Iowa and South Dakota and Minnesota and Wisconsin and Illinois.  She had the whole midwest.  She could have stayed with her little group in California and never known the difference.  But she went and great things happened.  It's hard to look past today and see the future.  It's hard to look past ourselves and see what our decisions will ultimately do to those around us.  Sometimes we have to take a step of faith and think, "well, if this doesn't work out I can always make another move down the road."  That is better than staying in your comfort zone and not trying and living to regret your indecision.  If you cannot make a decision, find a mature person with whom you can confide in.  If you ask your best friends, they will support you for being you.  Sometimes close people cannot look past the here and now either.  Find a stable, mature person whom you trust if you need a push to stay or to go. (Like the president of my mom's company.)

Lastly.  Relationships.  So many people live in a constant state of turmoil. Sometimes the dysfunction becomes all too encompassing and the people involved can't seem to get themselves out.  We, looking in can see the problems and cannot understand how months and years can go by without any resolution to problems.  My simplified advice is this.  If you need help, get it.  If you get help from people other than professionals, make sure to reciprocate by doing for those people as well.  If you become someone who takes and takes and takes, but never gives, you become an emotional vampire.  Get professional help to sort out your emotions.  Give and take.  People will respect you more when you are involved in mutually beneficial relationships.  When you can be relied on to step up to the plate and do your part, then you are on your way out.  Not all relationships are salvageable.  If you find yourself in a friendship or more intimate relationship that doesn't work even though you have tried to make it, decide on a course of action, ask for support from others and then implement the plan.  Like the Footprints poem.  Sometimes you need to be carried.  Allow yourself to be helped.  But work to get better so that you can help others.  Your experiences can often times be just what another person needs to hear to get them through a similar situation.

There, Courtney.  That's me rambling on about business, jobs, decision making and relationships.  I'll bet you have more to say.  In fact, you probably have better things to say.  Because between the two of us, we could surely save people a lot of problems, huh?