Fighting for popularity

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

This is hard for me to admit but I am going to.  

I remember in elementary school the "cast system" had already started.  You were a popular kid or good in sports or naturally pretty.  I didn't realize it until I was an adult, but living in a military town there were officers families and enlisted families.  The officers were the elite.

As a young child I was very insecure.  I didn't want to be bullied.  I wanted to be liked.  

In junior high I realized if you were a cheerleader you were automatically popular.  I set my sites on being a cheerleader.  I practiced day and night.  I was obsessed (I know now I was REALLY obsessed.)  If I didn't make cheerleading I was no body.  I remember in 9th grade I didn't make it but all my friends did.  I was devastated.  So what did I do?  I joined a lot of different clubs and ran for President of the clubs.  I was PE Leadership president.  I read the announcements over the intercom.  All ways to make myself feel popular.  My hair was curly and everyone else had straight hair.  I struggled with my weight.  In 9th grade I dropped a bunch and was thin all through high school.  For the rest of 9th grade I practiced cheerleading.

The next year I went to Bellevue High School.  At cheerleading try outs I went wild.  I finally made it.  I was the Sophomore cheerleading Captain!!!!  

I ran for student government and was elected Sophomore Class President.  I was in Student Council.  

But my cheerleading days were not easy............

To make a long story short.  I was jerked around by the cheerleading sponsor.  Mrs. C just didn't seem to like me.  I had gotten moved up to Junior Varsity my sophomore year because someone from the Varsity squad had moved.  The next year when I tried out for Varsity, I figured I was a shoe in.  I didn't make it and was sick about it.  Later I had one of the judges come to me and tell me that Mrs. C had told the judges before tryouts that I was too tall for the Varsity squad, she told them I would make a better JV Captain. I realized after try outs that several kids whose parents were either a principal or teachers had made it over me and that Mrs. C had basically told the judges who to vote for.

The next year (as revenge) I worked the sophomore and JV squads very hard and when we got to cheer camp, we outscored the Varsity squad.  The Varsity captain started hyperventilating.  Mrs. C came up to me and sarcastically said, "Well, if it isn't the Superior JV Captain and her girls....."

From that time on I had this extreme rebellious streak.  I was plain and simple - furious.  During a Varsity game it started pouring so I dismissed my squad to leave.  We were in big trouble for leaving but I told them they didn't come to our games, why should we be demanded to attend theirs?  Especially sitting in the stands in the pouring rain!!?

I met some kids in class that were complete opposites of me.  I started hanging around them.  My best friends had moved after my sophomore year so I needed new.  I started partying.

The next year I tried out for cheerleading and didn't make it again.  I snapped.  Not only had they split our school and separated our senior class, but I didn't make cheerleading again.  The squad that was chosen was horrible and did poorly at camp.  Then someone was moving so they called me at the end of the summer and wanted me to come back.  I stormed on the scene, whipped the team into shape but was just not interested anymore.  I quit cheerleading at semester.

From my junior year until about age 26 I turned from an aspiring, up and coming cheerleader, Sophomore class president, up beat person to a Boone's Farm Country Quenchers drinking, Miller Pony drinking, pot smoking, rebellious person.  I had a huge problem with authority figures.  

I went from that insecure little girl who had aspirations to be popular and great, to an angry, "I don't care what you think" person.  

As I read the Henri Nouwen quote it became clear to me.  An adult had rejected me.  An authority figure had tore me down.  My parents didn't go to bat for me (I'm not blaming them) and I was left feeling worthless.  I proved her right.  I stopped being who I aspired to be.  I went through life numbing myself from the pain.

One person had derailed me.  I didn't do well in college.  I spent so much time drinking and smoking that my life had gone out of control.  One person.  

When I grew up and finally started turning my life around and had kids I understood that I had to make it my priority to give my girls enough love to make them feel worth gold, to make them feel accepted and to feel loved.  I know I didn't do the best job but I tried.  And when my girls got into cheerleading and I watched them going through similar situations with some of the cheer coaches, I was the first person to call the coach and question them.  My hurts often came back when I watched my girls go through the political system in their school and in their extra curricular activities.  I know I didn't make many friends through that process because that's when I became maybe too outspoken.  I wanted to defend my child when I felt they were wronged.  

I warned them a lot about making bad choices.  I've helped them get through those stages during school that happen to all kids.  Dealing with bullies.  Dealing with a teacher they didn't click with.  Dealing with unfair school politics.  As a single parent I had to try to be there for them while taking care of a younger sibling with autism.

I live my life with regrets.  I wish I knew as a young child that I was special.  Unique.  Perfect.  That it didn't matter if someone in power kicked me to the curb because all of that doesn't matter.  I hope I instilled in my kids that they are loved beyond measure and there is nothing they could do that would make me love them less.  And when life hands them unnecessary trauma, that they can get through it because it isn't who they are, it is something that happened to them.  They are still the very cool, loved people they always were and being a cheerleader or a popular kid or the child of a teacher doesn't make them any better than anyone else.

Now I am much older and much wiser.  No one has the power to take who I am away from me.  No amount of manipulation, guilt, shame or coercion can derail me from knowing that I am me.  And being me is GREAT!