Running Scared

I realized something in the last couple days.  Whenever something "new" happens in my cancer fight, I run scared.  The last time they wanted to start me on the Temodar chemotherapy I ran to Cancer Treatment Center of America, to Iowa City and back home.  My oncologist at Mayo said Temodoa and everyone else said it, too.  After I ran, I agreed to start it.

That's what is happening now.  My oncologist in DM, Matt Hill told me I needed to have surgery to remove the new (notice the word - NEW?) tumor.  I ran to Mayo to talk to the surgeons who already knew my abdomen to see if they would do the surgery.  Instead of surgery, the Sarcoma specialist told me he'd like to put off surgery and change up my chemo.

However, then he didn't prescribe it.  I called up to Mayo and they told me to have my hometown onc prescribe it.  Doc Hill said no, that he wanted to see notes are other supporting evidence for the change.  Meanwhile tic toc, tic toc, the clock is ticking and I am no closer to getting the chemo.  My oncologist was able to squeeze me in today so the prescription has been sent, but who knows if the insurance is going to balk since they just sent me a pricey refill of the last drug and will not let me return it even though I haven't even opened it yet.  So I wait.

Meanwhile, my patience is thin.  I posted something on facebook about people needing me to be all things to all people.  I snapped at my husband.  I realized I am scared.  This is the time I need TLC.  I don't need my loved ones to need me to be strong.  I need my loved ones to be strong for me.  If we all start leaning on each other and there is no one to stand, we will all fall.

I run scared.

Yes, I am a very strong willed woman.  Yes, I would even call me stronger than most.  But just once I want my family to understand that I am at my weakest right now.  I am at my weakest when my cancer rears it's ugly head and they need me.  I can't be there.  I need them to hold me up!

I decided I need to work.  I need some kind of thing to focus on.  I need to feel like I am doing something beside sitting around being available to everyone all the time.  I want to go talk to people.  I want to use my skills.  I want to be normal again!!

I have a call into Dr. Lorentzen.  I want her to help.  I want to get rid of this cancer once and for all and I think I am going to need to go on an all out attack.  I'm ready!