Grief stricken by cleaning out a van

I knew it was going to happen.  For 3 years and 5 months I have been driving around in a Cornhusker Red Minivan.  I thought my days of driving a "soccer mom" vehicle were long gone.  However, about August 2009 my dad said to me in the Wellspring Espresso Patio, "Kell, if I die do you want my van?"  I said, "First of all, dad, you're not going to die.  But, if you do - sure I'll take your van!"

Only a month or so later that man, my dad, Bill Channell went to the emergency room and didn't come out.  We buried him in a Nebraska Hoodie.  His heart was so full of love he defied death for more years than he had but it finally caught up with him.  I told my mom about the conversation and she gave me his van.

I would have never thought to buy a van.  Somehow this van was different.  It was dad's.  The last thing he bought.  He was too weak to go to the dealership so I called a salesman and had him come to Wellspring.  I told him what my dad would like and he brought THE van.  Dad bought it.  He was proud of it.

When I took possession I found a receipt in the glove compartment for gas he bought the day before.  His sunglasses were in another compartment.  His atlas.  Maps.  A Leatherman I gave him for Christmas.  Batteries.  Tissues.  Wet wipes.  Lozenges.  CDs.  Pink Panther DVD.

A few months ago I was talking to my daughter, Courtney.  She and her husband Luke are expecting their third child.  They both drive Toyotas.  A Corolla and a Matrix.  Neither big enough for three kids.  I checked Kelley Blue Book and realized that dad's van and their Matrix were worth about the same.  I knew it would be hard for them to afford a car payment so I agreed to swap vehicles with them.

I cleaned out the van of everything.  I threw away those receipts.  I looked around and knew he would be happy his van was carting around his granddaughter and 3 of his 5 great grandchildren.  He only knew Haven, the first.  She was just a little over one year old when he died.  He loved her.  He had her picture on his phone.  He'd hold it up and say, "this baby made me a great grandpa!"  He'd actually get off his recliner and lay on the floor next to her.  That was hard on that guy but he loved her so much.

You never knew a man who loved to talk more.  Or someone who was generous to a fault.  He loved watching sports and Dr. Phil.  He'd often say, "how's that working for you?"

So to my daughter and 3 grandchildren I pass the Nebraska Caravan!  I hope you drive that thing until the wheels fall off.  I hope your children watch many a movie while driving and you have just enough room to take them and all your stuff!

I love you.  I love you Dad.  I miss you Dad.  The years and months are clicking by and it scares me how long I have been without you.  You were a part of my life every single day for almost 50 years.

Thank you for giving me you in the form of a van.

Healed?

All my life I was raised in a pretty conservative Christian church.  The denomination where we went was (looking back) very strict, very pentecostal and pretty extreme.  I have to admit I was a bit rebellious because everything I had read in the Bible didn't back up the rules and regulations with which we were expected to adhere.

I've always been a Christian but have had questions.  Lots of questions.  I have been exposed to many different Christian denominations when my children attended Des Moines Christian School and when I was a part of Wellspring Christian Resources.  At Wellspring we had many different angles from which to look at Christianity.  We had books about why you should speak in tongues and then we had books about why you should not speak in tongues.  All during that time I was trying to decide what I believed.

So much of it doesn't make sense to me.  Jeff and I are taking an Alpha course at Lutheran Church of Hope.  I'll call it Christianity 101.  Most of what they are talking about I have already been taught.  It is a good refresher.  All it makes me want to do is study the Bible a bit for myself.  Dig deep and decide if what I've heard over and over again can actually be believed - for me - in my life.

The cancer diagnosis has made me over think a lot of things.  Can I really be healed?  Every time I get prayed for I want to believe, but I go to the doctor and the cancer is still there.  Why do some people get prayed for and BOOM, they are cured?  Other people get prayed for and nothing.  They die.  Then someone says, "Oh, they were healed.  Death is healing."  Yes, but.........

Last Sunday's lesson at Alpha was about healing prayer.  I was particularly interested in it for obvious reasons.  I listened to the lecture and then took advantage of the prayer opportunities.  No, there was no evangelist with slicked back hair, pushing me over and speaking in tongues.  (That is what I expected of faith healers due to my experience in the past.......)  There were 4 opportunities.  You could sit in a chair and someone would silently come behind you, place their hands on your shoulders and pray.  When they were done you left.  There was also communion.  There were baskets set up on the stage.  You could write your requests, pray and then go.  Plus they had small groups you could go to and actually express your requests and the group would pray.

I had never thought of communion as more than a ritual.  A remembrance.  However, the speaker talked about it being an opportunity to be close to God.  I saw it differently.  I took it and found some power in it for the first time.  Then I went to the "soaking" prayer circle.  Someone prayed for me.  Then I got up and left.  Tears were coming to my eyes.  I really want this cancer to go!  Then I wrote it down and got in line to place it in a basket.  I went up and my basket just happened to be at the foot of the giant cross at Hope.  I looked up and it towered above me.  I was in awe of where I was standing.  I called out to God to take this cancer from me.  I placed my request in the basket and went back to my seat.  I felt something.  I really felt something.  No organ in the background.  No dancing in the aisles.  No people behind me to catch me if I was slain in the spirit.  No.  Quiet time asking God to heal me.  It was very refreshing!

Then I was watching American Idol and Curtis Finch, Jr. sang and again, I felt God.  I was touched.  It was good.

My mind is opening up to the ways of God.  Not the ways of the church.  Although I am very thankful Jeff and I decided to visit Hope.  He was raised a Lutheran so he really felt comfortable in that setting.  It had just enough familiarity to what I was used to so it was comfortable for both of us.  But what I found was a church that was not judgmental.  They were so different than what I was used to.  Real.  Authentic.  Oh yes, they do the sing, shake hand thing that most churches do, but the Pastor is not preachy.  He teaches from the pulpit and you believe him because he's believable.  He's a regular guy with kids.  I love, oh love the lack of hail fire and brimstone.  I love the way in which he presents the word.  Anyway, it's a good church and Alpha has finally helped Jeff and I to plug in to a giant church.

And I'm looking forward to my next scan because because I actually believe I could be healed.

SLEEP!!!

I've always had a hard time going to sleep at night.  I never drink coffee after the morning and never, ever drink anything with caffeine after 4 pm.

I was one of those who took Tylenol PM to help me sleep.  Then I realized it wasn't wise to take tylenol when you were not in pain.  After reading the back of the Tylenol PM box, I realized the sleep ingredient was the same thing as Benadryl.  So I took Benadryl to make me sleep.

Then the oddest thing happened.  After my surgery in 2011, Benadryl started doing the opposite to me. It made me stay awake.  Obviously my body was screwed up!

During my early days of chemotherapy, I developed an anxiety thing.  I had bonafide panic attacks.  The first one was on an airplane that sat on the tarmac for 3 hours.  I literally freaked out.  My children were mortified and I was going crazy inside my skin.  I felt like I was in a coffin.  Closed in.  Every seat on the plane was filled.  Anyway.  I have never felt so out of control in my life.  The doctor prescribed me Lorazapam which is an anti-anxiety pill.  I NEVER go in a plane without it, however, I have never had an attack like that again.  (I am not on that awful chemo either.....)

So I got in the habit of taking an anti-anxiety pill every night to help me sleep.  I realized I was "hooked" when I didn't have any when I was in Custer, SD last fall closing up our family's cabin.  I really couldn't go to sleep.  When I did sleep it was fitful.

The doctors didn't mind so I have a prescription for it.

Then a friend told me about a study where Melatonin helps with Leiomyosarcoma.  That and my doctor has me take Magnesium.  I figured out just in the last couple days that Melatonin coupled with Calm (a magnesium supplement powder you mix with water) made me go to sleep without the drugs.  I cannot believe it.  I actually went to sleep with supplements instead of a prescription!!!  Yay!!

So if you need something to help you sleep and you want something that is good for you, take Melatonin and Magnesium.  I promise, you'll sleep!

Heart issues addressed

So it was found I had heart damage due to a horrible chemotherapy called doxirubicin or adriamyacin.  Same drug, different names.  You'll know if you ever get this drug.  It's red.  The nurse has to come in and push it into your IV.  It doesn't work for it to drip for some reason.  Anyway, seconds after they push it and unhook you, you can go to the bathroom and your urine is red.  They warn you not to be alarmed.  It is not blood, it's the drug.

So anyway, this drug kicked me in the bum.  I was bald.  I slept a lot.  I was in a clinical trial.  They used that drug with an additive called Theshold.  It was working for quite some time.  Then things turned and they performed surgery.  Little did I know it would effect me like a heart attack.  My heart muscle does not pump enough blood through my heart so I get tired quickly and out of breath.  I cannot exercise like I used to (which wasn't much.....)

So anyway, I got good news.  The Coreg is working.  My ejection fracture went for 41% to 45% since the drug.  If I can get to 50% I will be considered in the normal range.  That's a great goal, I think.

I've also been exposed to a study on Melatonin to help with leiomyosarcoma.  Jeff and my master does not have darkening shades or curtains and the neighbor across the street always leaves all their outdoor lights on.  The room never gets dark.  Well, a study shows that if your body does not have adequate darkness, it can interrupt sleep patterns and actually cause cancer.  The study shows that melatonin helps your body get into a regular rhythm and that may help with leio.  So that all sounds great.

So now I do vitamin C, D, Magnesium, Melatonin, Milk Thistle (for liver) Ubiquitol which is a more potent form of CoQ10.  Plus a cleaner diet.  I also drink Trevo.

So that's what's going on now.  I think I'm pretty much recovered from my liver ablation.  That took a week.  I'm on my two week break from chemo so I feel pretty good!!  Hurray!

The New Me........psychological analysis

One thing I have learned over the years is that people do not want you to call them out.  People do not want to hear the truth.  People want to live in the status quo and never have to step up to the plate.

Why is it people do that?  Why don't people make a list, check it twice and go for it?  What is that mental block that keeps people from moving forward?

The one thing that has changed for me is the ability to keep my mouth shut.  Life is too short.  You walk around with a cancer diagnosis held over your head and you notice things.  Like birds flying in formation.  Flowers.  Sunrises.  BS.  Appearance Management.  No longer able to put on a pretty face and a phony smile as people stab you in the back and walk all over you.

Paralyzing Fear.

I went to the cardiologist today for a check up.  They have had me on a drug for quite some time to help with the heart damage I have due to a chemotherapy agent I was on.

While talking to the cardiologist, I released as we talked that I am dealing with paralyzing fear.  I am afraid of some of the symptoms I have been having so I don't allow myself to do things.  When mom and I went to the older adult class at the Y I got dizzy and had to sit down.  When I walk up to Chelsea's apartment by the time I hit the third floor I am sucking air.  I passed out a couple times in Europe due to low blood pressure.  All of these things make me nervous.  I'm worried that my heart is failing and that I am going to fall over dead of a sudden cardiac arrest.  Meanwhile, not a month ago a friend I worked with at Chi Chi's DID fall over dead of sudden cardiac arrest.

They did two tests on my heart today which will tell if the medicine I have been on has helped.  I am going back in a week to go over the test with her.  She told me my fear is paralyzing me.  I need to figure out if my heart is same or better and then need to ease into an exercise program.  I didn't want to whine but I am on chemotherapy right now, too, so maybe I am a little more tired than the average person at my age with a little heart damage.

A Week To Recuperate

Last Monday, February 18, I went down to Methodist Medical Center to the Radiology Department.  I was having a procedure done like I had in September 2011.  My recollections of that procedure was it was a piece of cake.  I don't remember it taking me but a couple days to rebound.

Felt pretty good after the procedure.  They got me home and I went to bed.  Didn't fill the prescription for pain pills.  The next morning before work, Jeff got me the prescription.  I was very achy so I took one and proceeded to crash.  Before I knew it a couple days had gone by and I had been sleeping most of the time.  The pain in my side felt like I had been knifed in the liver.  The fact was, I HAD been knifed in the liver.  It still hurts to take a deep breath.

I now know that your liver is right below your breast on the right side of your body.  They went in through my ribcage and did a CT scan guided ablation.  I think they nuked it with microwave technology.  Whatever it was, it worked but left me hurt.  I called the nurse and told her the pain wasn't being helped by the pills.  They prescribed me more.

Now it is Saturday.  I'm off the pills.  I have a lot more left.  I guess that's good.  I have no energy so missed the retreat they were having at Alpha - a course my daughter Chelsea, and Jeff and I have been going to.  She made it.  (And also made Praise Team!!  So proud of her!)

So right now my body looks stable.  Still a couple spots on my liver and one in my psoas muscle on my right side.  Every time I feel pain I get nervous.  I live with a constant worry that something will happen.

I thank everyone for their prayers.  I'm sorry to my family that my get up and go kinda got up and went.  It's like the week is gone.  The week that never was.  That's how I felt when I had major surgery in 2011.  I often say 2011, for me was a year with 10 months.  I literally lost 2 full months.  I remember when Courtney came to see me at my moms house, and I said SUSHI!  I'll buy if you go get it.  That's when I knew I was better.  From not being able to eat a thing to moaning and groaning over really good sushi!!  I'm hoping Monday roles around and ta-da I'll be back to my old self!