Brainwashing

Growing up I was raised in a Christian home.  Not a home where we went to church for the sake of church, no we went to worship the Lord to live out our Christianity by doing what was right.  For our denomination what was right was being at church during Sunday School, Church, Sunday night church and Wednesday night church.  My whole life I waffled between believing everything I was told to sneaking underground so I could live my life the way I wanted to without getting caught by my parents and all the people I went to church with.

My parents didn't really approve of my many friends in high school.  Quite literally if they didn't believe what we believed in then they really couldn't be real friends.  In fact, they were my real friends. Oh, yes, I judged them because I was brainwashed to do so, but I still loved them.

Don't get me wrong.  Today I still consider myself a Christian but I reject the shame and guilt I felt if I had a thought that was mine.  I reject the weight that was put on my shoulders to be a certain way without any respect for my individuality or my own conscience.

After breaking free from all the rules and regulations and finding a church which I agree with, I feel so much freedom and joy.  However, I still deal with a little angst when I hear one of my family or friends say something that takes all responsibility off their backs and puts it on an all knowing God who will bless the righteous and curse those that don't believe like them.

Recently I googled cult.  I know which religions are considered cults but I really wanted to throw a few more denominations and their need to rule people with their take on the gospel on to the "cult" pile.  Churches who scare you into submission with the fear of going to hell.  Those who condemn drinking alcohol because some people become alcoholics, so therefore, no one gets a drink even though the Bible talks about drinking wine.  Those that pick and choose what is and is not relevant in today's society.

For the people who have known me for years, it won't seem like much of a stretch for me to publicly announce my distain for the strict religious upbringing I had.  After all, so many knew the crazy, party girl Kelly.  This girl was a straight laced Christian girl??  The fact is, I was.  All my younger years I lived with a tremendous amount of guilt for what I was doing.  The more drunken escapades I was a part of the more I felt I needed to be forgiven.  My life was a series of ups and downs and saved and backsliding.  Yes, every time I was partying I considered myself backslidden and every time I'd hear a sermon I'd ask for forgiveness.

Now as I look back, I was a kid who was trying to find myself outside of church.  I was trying to be me in a world that revolved around my very successful mother whose job was with a Christian organization and church.  Period.  Everything was Christian.  Except my life at school was not.  I went to school in a very diverse military town and school was my space.  So I had this push to be a perfect Christian girl who wanted to seem normal in a very non-Christian environment.  The end of the 70s in a huge high school.

I don't really blame my parents for the religious "brainwashing."  No, they were a part of the same denomination I was but were happy to follow the rules and regulations.  Both of them had messed up as young people and found comfort in the love and forgiveness of their Christian faith.  They lived their lives as Christians so it wasn't a stretch for them.  They had many like minded friends in the church and they had already decided that was how they were going to live.  I also don't blame them for raising me in the church.  I think it's healthy for a family to go to church together.

As I got older and became a parent myself, I vowed to myself that if my kids made mistakes, I wasn't going to condemn them.  I was going to love them despite themselves.  I was going to stick up for them when well meaning "brainwashed" people started leaning on them to conform to a bunch of rules and regulations.  Yes, my kids went to a Christian school and so like me, they were exposed to so many people who had an idea of how they should live.  Did I send them to a Christian school?  No, but I allowed my parents to send them.  I figured with as much trouble as I got in as a young person, I could at least protect them a little bit from the pressures they would find in a large public high school.  I went to a school where my sophomore class was close to 1000.  I learned early on how the cast system worked and I decided my cast was going to be the cheerleading clan.  I worked hard to get good and followed all the rules.  I was very involved in school and absolutely loved it.  It was MY world outside the church and I had found my place.  Then I was subjected to some school politics which directly affected me and since the public school was outside the Christian realm in which my parents lived, they did not stick up for me.  Because of the betrayal by the school and by my parents not defending me publicly, I went into a tailspin from which I didn't land until I had my first child.

I'm a woman who is asking all the questions.  Was that denomination a cult??  Was it me being a sinner?  Was it my base human nature to tell anyone who tried to control me to take a long walk off a short plank?  Is it my cancer diagnosis that made me wonder about this all?  Why do I cringe when people use "church speak"??  Why am I not surprised when the televangelists look like they do and act like they do and say what they do?  Why did I walk out of a revival meeting in 1979 when people were being slain in the spirit and I prayed, "Lord, if this is real, then I want to be slain," only to have the evangelist touch me and nothing happened.  Then he pushed me.  Nothing.  Pushed me again.  Nothing.  Turn, walk out the door.

That wasn't the end.  I'm 55 years old.  I can order off the senior menu at many restaurants.  I guess I qualify as a senior citizen and yet I still have people in my life who want to put me back in that box.  Those who truly believe that life has to be lived in a church shaped realm with pews and programs and "church speak" and rules and regulations.  Those who sin just like the rest of us but loudly proclaim they notice the speck in my eye.  They that are blind from the plank in their own eye.

Thank God I can talk to him and He will embrace my questions.  He'll ask me if I like the wine that was made out of the grapes he created and I will politely say I don't know because I don't drink alcohol anymore and it's not because of a rule or regulation it's because I don't want to!

Amen!!!  :-)

*Disclaimer*  A lot of what I post is me looking back and trying to grasp what my experiences were growing up.  I think things were a bit different back then and even the people I considered very judgmental and more worried about what people thought then what was real have really changed over the years and seem a little more tolerant than they did way back then.  I also want to point out that my mother and father did not attend that denomination in over 30 years after moving to Des Moines.  I also want to point out that a lot of what happens within a denomination is a "cult of personality" meaning each church is different.  If you have a great preacher/teacher who preaches grace from the pulpit, there is less abuse in any church.  But for me, the push/pull I experienced was real and because of that I choose to talk about my experiences.  I don't mean to blame anyone or make anyone feel accused.

Preach it!!

So today I get a call from my high school friend, Bill Flott.  He has been in the hospital fighting an infection that could have killed him.  He told me he couldn't think of anyone who could relate to what he was going through except me.  He knows I've been fighting like crazy for 5 1/2 years trying to beat this LMS cancer.  It doesn't matter what I do, it seems the cancer always pops back up.  I'm weary.  I'm fed up.  Why can't it just go away?

Our group has lost several in the past week.  Warriors that succumbed to this ugly beast.  The dragon they call it.  It makes you want to throw up your hands and scream, "WHY BOTHER?"

Then I'm walking blocks to get to the parking garage.  The good news is Mayo has constructed a subway level.  No, there are no trains to ride in, you have to walk but at least you get to walk in warmth in the winter or in air conditioning in the summer.  This gives me a lot of time to think.  There are so many people using walkers or wheelchairs.  This is the place people go to get fixed.  Sometimes it's a last ditch effort to save themselves.  Why?  Why do people wait until they can't walk or can't breathe before they do something?  It has always bugged me.

What I would like to do is this.  I'd like to make a smoker not be able to breathe for a day.  I'd like for them to walk up the stairs and gasp for breath.  I'd like the drug addict to have to sleep under a bridge for a week.  I'd like for them to know what it feels like to lose their job, their family, their friends.  I'd like for the person who is just getting a hint of dementia to have full blown Alzheimer's for a day.  I want people to realize that you cannot stick your head in the sand and pretend it's not going to happen to you.  How many more women who refuse to have a mammogram have to die before the denial will be stopped?  How many people have to lose all their teeth before the "it won't happen to me" syndrome will keep people from going to the dentist?

Rant over!

What am I to do?

I'm between a rock and a hard place.  What's a person to do?

I drop Chloe off at church on Thursday nights.  During her class they also have a really big group in Celebrate Recovery.  In this group people are dealing with all kinds of things.  Alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, food addiction, codependency, etc.  They congregate outside a lot of them smoking cigarettes.  Some dressed pretty rough.  Guess what?  They are trying to get their act together. I applaud them.  They have realized they are powerless against their addiction and they are turning to a higher power to help them get out of it.

So what do you do about people who have made some really bad mistakes in their life?  What if someone did something so heinous during a black out drunk?  What if they have leanings that way and are definitely at a risk to fail?  Do you wash your hands of them?  Or do you give them the benefit of the doubt and become their friend and be an encouragement to them??

Is this an opportunity as a Christian to show love and acceptance?

I've known many, many people with addictions.  So many people.  At first you hope for the best and you find yourself trying to help out.  Then you realize that this person just keeps on slipping.  When do you wash your hands of them?  As a friend?  As a spouse?  As a relative?  Or do you do what the Bible says?  Forgive them 70 X 7?

THAT is the question!

Laugh or cry?

This post is to ask the question - should I laugh or cry?

I'm driving home and I get behind every single slow person in the world.  At least I don't have to go to the bathroom.  THAT has happened to me.  In that circumstance I would probably cry.  Today?  I laugh.  It's maniacal laughter.

I'm watching the reaction of people to statements I make.  Laugh or cry?  Laugh!!!  You've got to be kidding me!  You really didn't make that statement, did you??  That was so obviously passive-aggressive.  LAUGH!

Why don't I keep up on current events?  CRY!!  I don't have the stomach to or the want to or the time to.  What do I have the time for?  Living.  Not fighting with people over liberal or conservative ridiculous politics.  It doesn't matter what side you are on, they are all crooks as far as I am concerned.

I'm afraid.  Of ebola.  Of death camps.  Of cartels.  Of Cancer.  Of ISIS. I'm afraid of sarcasm.  When people respond with sarcasm I want to crawl into a hole.

I'm in the process of reprogramming my life.  It's hard to do when people around you continue to live life like you don't want to live it anymore.  I want to say, "save the act for someone who thinks it is sincere."  I also want to say, "don't try to kid a kidder………..I know the drill."  Hey, I think that might have been sarcasm………….time to go crawl into a hole.

How a Cancer patient feels when people pull away…..

I've been fighting cancer for over 5 years.  It's interesting when you first get diagnosed how many people are there for you.  You get lots of posts on your FB wall and everyone rallies with you.  Then time starts ticking and the newness of the disease wears off.

Some people stick with you.  Through every post on the next surgery or chemo or ache or pain they have some nice words of encouragement.  They seem to be there in spirit.  But so, so many probably get weary of the constant battle they hear about and pull away.

I've been surprised at the lack of encouragement I get from so many people who I would have considered friends over the years.  I'm not sure why this is but some people drop you like a hot potato.

I'm part of a support group online for people with leiomyosarcoma and recently we had a discussion about this very thing.  So many have lost boyfriends, husbands, wives, friends, etc.  Mostly because those people could not deal with the constant battle of cancer fighting.  We've agreed that people react in different ways.  Some of our families live in denial and push for us to be the same as we used to be.  Some people simply disappear and don't look back.

Another thing us cancer patients seem to have in common is our direct and sometimes not appreciated communication. When someone hands you a death sentence (or perceived death sentence) something within you snaps.  Playing the game of life changes.  You are more honest and to the point and that makes people very uncomfortable.  Because of that we are often times disliked and hated.  This hurts because not only are we dealing with death on a daily basis but then we are dealing with people pushing back trying to get us to go back into our PC box.  So you are sick and hated.

Because of my love for psychology I have been trying to figure out why people react to disease the way they do.  I guess no matter how you slice it, it is hard subject.  Some people pretend it isn't there.  I have one friend who I used to talk to all the time and now I never do.   When I do talk to her the conversation is always about her.  I'm not sure if she can handle what I am going through so she just doesn't mention it.

Also I've had people on FB unfriend me.  Peripheral ones.  Not that I talk to them much but I notice they are gone.  I cannot help but have my feelings hurt.  OR when my friends comment on each other's posts and pictures but not mine, it makes me think they have hidden me from their newsfeed.  Is it because I am a bother to them?  They don't want to hear it?  Or they don't want to be confronted with my illness?  Or they are just plain sick of it?  My online support group have decided that we shouldn't sweat this.  If they don't want to be our friend at this point in our lives than we really don't need or want them.  We will lean on and towards those who are a constant encouragement to us.  We need the positive vibes.  We don't need the negatives.  We cannot fault these people either because we don't know what is going on in their mind.  Everyone deals with cancer and just humans in general in different ways.  If they don't act like we think they should then that is our problem, not theirs.  The support group has been so good for me because I am able to vent to people who are going through the exact same thing as I am so they understand.

I guess I don't expect everyone to stay on my roller coaster but I would appreciate it if some of my friends would check in from time to time.  I would appreciate it if those closest to me would let me try to get better by not exposing me to sickness and a really demanding schedule.  I wish the people who have a really hard time with illness would learn from me that very little is needed from your sick friend, just an acknowledgement from time to time.  A gift card for gas or groceries would be so appreciated because we are always running to Mayo and spending money we don't have on hotels and deductibles etc.

I guess I understand.  Death and disease is not an easy subject but it is also a very lonely and scary place to live.  All you want is your old life back.  All you want is to be able to live and work and be and do.

PTSD, After vacation blahs, etc.

Don't know why I have been weepy today.  It used to be I could figure out what day it was in the month and that would tell me why I was experiencing a lot of emotion.  Not today.  I don't have those hormonal changes anymore.   Today it is as if the bottom has opened up and I am falling.

I guess a lot has happened lately.  First a friend who also had leiomyosarcoma died.  She was younger than I am and had 3 kids.  Two little ones.  She lost her battle in just a little over a year from her diagnosis.

Right after that I heard that one of my favorite actors, Robin Williams committed suicide.  Like so many, I was mortified that such a talented and young man who seemed to have the world by the tail could end it all.  Then I posted something about him on my wall and a friend of mine and I got into a debate or a FB fight over it.  That wasn't pleasant.

A couple weeks ago I posted about an aha moment.  The debate on my FB page regarding Robin Williams was a part of my aha moment.  I had promised myself that I would no longer sit quietly by if someone decides they are going to express their distaste over something I post or impose their wishes on me.   That was the first time I forcefully set those boundaries that I promised myself I would.  I promised myself that I wouldn't be bullied or apologize for believing something or posting something.  I figure if you don't like what I post, then you don't have to read it and you certainly don't have to fight with me over it.

Then Chelsea and I were caravanning over to Omaha to catch a flight to Spokane, Washington to attend the wedding of my sweet and beautiful cousin, Haley Jones.  On the way to Omaha we witnessed a freak accident where a tire hit a young man named Andrew Joseph Engle "Joe," aged 39.  We saw him get taken out by a renegade tire that had come loose in a construction zone on I80.  He died.  We were just feet away from him.  I was the second car that stopped when we saw it happened.

Then I was driving home from Omaha and a gal from Mayo called and asked me to come up early.  I called Jeff, went home, washed clothes, packed and straight up to Mayo we went.  I thought I was going to have a cryoablation that very day (yesterday) but it was only an appointment where Jeff and Chloe didn't have to come.  The pressure of dropping everything and running up there put undo stress on me.  Then I couldn't get anyone to come over and let the dogs out because it was such late notice and nobody seemed to be able to adjust their schedule to let the dogs out.  I was stressed over that and came home to 3 piles of diarrhea dog do.  So I had to immediately clean that up.  Then I realized the kitchen sink was clogged.  I tried everything to unclog it.  Vinegar and baking soda.  Plunger.  Draino.  Nothing worked.  So I called a plumber.  He's coming NOW!

Also I am totally broke from vacation.  You've probably been there.  No money.  A week before you get paid.  Don't want to put stuff on a charge card.  Don't want to take money out of savings.  So I took some cans back.  Got $11.  What did I buy?  Pepto Bismol.  Why?  Because I have had the worst intestinal issues since my surgery back in January.  

So I realized I think I am suffering from PSTD.  I think witnessing someone get killed in a freak accident just put me over the edge.  That and all the little "minnowy" things that eat you alive.

I've got a boat load of work to do around the house.  I finally feel pretty good physically but I'm spent emotionally.  I have this feeling of giving and giving and giving but never getting.  I'm holding up my hand.  Stop!  Emotionally I cannot take anymore.

I left the wedding Saturday night and didn't say good bye to a lot of my precious family.  Those I did say good bye to I said, "I hope to see you again."   That is something I have to think about.  Living with a life threatening disease is like walking through a mine field.  You never know when you are going to step on a mine.  When Joe was in Sturgis riding around with his friends, he didn't know he would never make it back to Philly.  He would be the victim of a freak accident.  Anyone of us could be.

I've got that "after vacation let down."  You know?  You've been enjoying your family.  First the Black Hills, then Couer d'Alene, Idaho.  Lucky, lucky me!!  How much of my bucket list have I done?  Then you go home and have to do housework, laundry, dishes, etc.  Suddenly you have to get up at precisely 6:35 am to drive your daughter to school.  Hey, wait!!  I was having fun.  When did reality set in?

Well, I guess that's the end of my vent.  I'm actually feeling better for having put it on paper.

On a positive note?  I picked some tomatoes and roasted them with olive oil, balsamic vinegar, basil and garlic.  I'll boil some noodles and that will be the "sauce."  Can't get any fresher than that.  I'm thinner than I have been in a LONG time so there's that.

I've got great kids and grandkids.  They are the biggest blessing in my life.

Breaking Free

A few days ago I had an a-ha moment.  It was a moment when I unlocked the shackles that have bound me for almost my entire life.

I was raised in a Christian home.  I grew up and my children went to a Christian school.  I was part owner of a Christian retail store.  I know all the "right" things to do and say to make you accepted by this group of people.  The denomination I grew up in was very strict in their list of dos and don'ts.

By nature I am rebellious.  If someone tells me I cannot do something, I usually try to do it just because they told me not to.  I wasn't very good at keeping all those rules and regulations as a teenager.  For one, it didn't make me "cool" which is something I felt I had to be as a teenager.  I was always repenting of my sins and feeling guilty about my indiscretions.

Fast forward 4 decades when I broke free last week.  Something snapped in me.  I have watched as people who claim to be real Christians lie and rationalize and excuse and judge and manipulate.  I snapped.  I thought to myself, "if that is what it is to be the kind of Christian that everyone wants me to be, then I say NO, I won't be that way."  I can't be that way.

I am thankful for the church I found.  Lutheran Church of Hope.  These people do not make me feel that way and I will continue to be a member at a church where I feel the people are authentic and don't march to a list of dos and don'ts.  Don't get me wrong.  There are some definite taboos even within this church but ones I am comfortable with.

And there is the whole political thing.  I've decided I am a moderate.  I'm registered independent and I cannot jump on any bandwagon and yell and scream to the top of my lungs about this or that.  I decide how I feel issue by issue.  Either way if I told you where I stand, I would offend someone and have a fight on my hand.  So I choose to be quiet about it.  When they say don't argue about religion or politics it is so apparent why.  People get super worked up if you don't agree with them.  I decided last week that I wasn't going to believe something just because I was raised to be that way or I was coerced by over zealous friends.  (And believe me if you saw who my FB friends are you would realize that I have friends from all over the spectrum.  There is no way I could make anyone happy with my beliefs so I'll just keep my opinions to myself and vote according to my convictions.)

Mostly my a-ha moment came from within.  If someone starts to lecture or tries to guilt me or one of my family members, I will shut them down.  This is a new boundary in my life.  I have walked on eggshells around certain people and have tried to temper my opinions around them so I would not offend them.  Well, I am entitled to my opinions, too.  I don't have to watch what I say in order to keep the peace.  Hey.  If they can live their lives and have their opinions and speak them as truth, then I can live my life based on my truths and I have the freedom to believe what I want to believe and to speak and do what I believe.  Does that make sense?

All this to say that I am marching to my own drum.  Sorry if I don't agree with you.  We are all entitled to our opinion.  I am going to try to march with love and happiness and strength.  I will appreciate people speaking words that are uplifting and supportive.  I will not appreciate nor will I accept words of shame and guilt and manipulation.  I don't live that way anymore.  If it gets uncomfortable then I guess I will have to leave.  Better to walk away then to have a fight.