Breaking Free

A few days ago I had an a-ha moment.  It was a moment when I unlocked the shackles that have bound me for almost my entire life.

I was raised in a Christian home.  I grew up and my children went to a Christian school.  I was part owner of a Christian retail store.  I know all the "right" things to do and say to make you accepted by this group of people.  The denomination I grew up in was very strict in their list of dos and don'ts.

By nature I am rebellious.  If someone tells me I cannot do something, I usually try to do it just because they told me not to.  I wasn't very good at keeping all those rules and regulations as a teenager.  For one, it didn't make me "cool" which is something I felt I had to be as a teenager.  I was always repenting of my sins and feeling guilty about my indiscretions.

Fast forward 4 decades when I broke free last week.  Something snapped in me.  I have watched as people who claim to be real Christians lie and rationalize and excuse and judge and manipulate.  I snapped.  I thought to myself, "if that is what it is to be the kind of Christian that everyone wants me to be, then I say NO, I won't be that way."  I can't be that way.

I am thankful for the church I found.  Lutheran Church of Hope.  These people do not make me feel that way and I will continue to be a member at a church where I feel the people are authentic and don't march to a list of dos and don'ts.  Don't get me wrong.  There are some definite taboos even within this church but ones I am comfortable with.

And there is the whole political thing.  I've decided I am a moderate.  I'm registered independent and I cannot jump on any bandwagon and yell and scream to the top of my lungs about this or that.  I decide how I feel issue by issue.  Either way if I told you where I stand, I would offend someone and have a fight on my hand.  So I choose to be quiet about it.  When they say don't argue about religion or politics it is so apparent why.  People get super worked up if you don't agree with them.  I decided last week that I wasn't going to believe something just because I was raised to be that way or I was coerced by over zealous friends.  (And believe me if you saw who my FB friends are you would realize that I have friends from all over the spectrum.  There is no way I could make anyone happy with my beliefs so I'll just keep my opinions to myself and vote according to my convictions.)

Mostly my a-ha moment came from within.  If someone starts to lecture or tries to guilt me or one of my family members, I will shut them down.  This is a new boundary in my life.  I have walked on eggshells around certain people and have tried to temper my opinions around them so I would not offend them.  Well, I am entitled to my opinions, too.  I don't have to watch what I say in order to keep the peace.  Hey.  If they can live their lives and have their opinions and speak them as truth, then I can live my life based on my truths and I have the freedom to believe what I want to believe and to speak and do what I believe.  Does that make sense?

All this to say that I am marching to my own drum.  Sorry if I don't agree with you.  We are all entitled to our opinion.  I am going to try to march with love and happiness and strength.  I will appreciate people speaking words that are uplifting and supportive.  I will not appreciate nor will I accept words of shame and guilt and manipulation.  I don't live that way anymore.  If it gets uncomfortable then I guess I will have to leave.  Better to walk away then to have a fight.