A few days ago I had an a-ha moment. It was a moment when I unlocked the shackles that have bound me for almost my entire life.
I was raised in a Christian home. I grew up and my children went to a Christian school. I was part owner of a Christian retail store. I know all the "right" things to do and say to make you accepted by this group of people. The denomination I grew up in was very strict in their list of dos and don'ts.
By nature I am rebellious. If someone tells me I cannot do something, I usually try to do it just because they told me not to. I wasn't very good at keeping all those rules and regulations as a teenager. For one, it didn't make me "cool" which is something I felt I had to be as a teenager. I was always repenting of my sins and feeling guilty about my indiscretions.
Fast forward 4 decades when I broke free last week. Something snapped in me. I have watched as people who claim to be real Christians lie and rationalize and excuse and judge and manipulate. I snapped. I thought to myself, "if that is what it is to be the kind of Christian that everyone wants me to be, then I say NO, I won't be that way." I can't be that way.
I am thankful for the church I found. Lutheran Church of Hope. These people do not make me feel that way and I will continue to be a member at a church where I feel the people are authentic and don't march to a list of dos and don'ts. Don't get me wrong. There are some definite taboos even within this church but ones I am comfortable with.
And there is the whole political thing. I've decided I am a moderate. I'm registered independent and I cannot jump on any bandwagon and yell and scream to the top of my lungs about this or that. I decide how I feel issue by issue. Either way if I told you where I stand, I would offend someone and have a fight on my hand. So I choose to be quiet about it. When they say don't argue about religion or politics it is so apparent why. People get super worked up if you don't agree with them. I decided last week that I wasn't going to believe something just because I was raised to be that way or I was coerced by over zealous friends. (And believe me if you saw who my FB friends are you would realize that I have friends from all over the spectrum. There is no way I could make anyone happy with my beliefs so I'll just keep my opinions to myself and vote according to my convictions.)
Mostly my a-ha moment came from within. If someone starts to lecture or tries to guilt me or one of my family members, I will shut them down. This is a new boundary in my life. I have walked on eggshells around certain people and have tried to temper my opinions around them so I would not offend them. Well, I am entitled to my opinions, too. I don't have to watch what I say in order to keep the peace. Hey. If they can live their lives and have their opinions and speak them as truth, then I can live my life based on my truths and I have the freedom to believe what I want to believe and to speak and do what I believe. Does that make sense?
All this to say that I am marching to my own drum. Sorry if I don't agree with you. We are all entitled to our opinion. I am going to try to march with love and happiness and strength. I will appreciate people speaking words that are uplifting and supportive. I will not appreciate nor will I accept words of shame and guilt and manipulation. I don't live that way anymore. If it gets uncomfortable then I guess I will have to leave. Better to walk away then to have a fight.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Sad, depressed and stir crazy!
On Monday, June 9, 2014 I will head up to Mayo Clinic in Rochester for my six week check up with Dr. Francis Nichols, the head of Thoracic surgery. This could be the last follow up of all my surgeries this year.
June. This all started in January. I knew it was going to be a long haul. Our plan was laid out in November of last year. I had an abdominal tumor which was causing much pain, intestinal blockage and loss of blood which caused anemia. Also a tumor in my lower left lung and one in my upper right lung. A new tumor was found in my right kidney. They were worried the abdominal one was a recurrence on my reconstructed ureter from January, 2011.
All or nothing is basically what they told me. Why should they go after one tumor when I had others ready to cause problems. Seemed like good advice.
So I had the first surgery in January where they removed 1 1/2 feet of bowel with a baseball sized tumor. Side effect presented itself as irritable bowel syndrome and it was not fun. The good news I started losing some weight and I had some to lose so that made me happy.
Then in February I had the kidney ablation. An interesting fact about this surgery is that in the scheme of things it was the "easiest" procedure, but how I felt?? Not good. I had a cold during it and the recovery just made me feel lousy. I bounced back pretty fast but right after I felt a sense that I could not go under anesthesia again. Then I was supposed to go right back in and do the first of 2 lung surgeries. But instead, I was sick. Flu first. Diarrhea. I called the doc and told him I was in no shape to do the surgery. Then we rescheduled and the next thing I had was a sinus infection so we rescheduled again. The whole month of March I was sick. My friend, Traci Hart commented on FB that I got the award for being sick all the time. She was right. I was sick ALL the time.
Then in April I had a tumor removed from my lower left lung. The weirdest side effect was I kind of lost my voice. I talked with a rasp. A little over a week later I went in for another lung surgery, this time to remove a tumor from my upper right lobe. Instead of just removing the tumor, they took the entire lobe. I have had a very difficult time recovering from this last surgery. I'm dependent on oxygen a lot of the time. I'm winded and cannot do anything. My raspy voice got worse and it wears me out to talk. A load of laundry about wiped me out. I see 100 things that need to be done and I cannot do them. I know I am done with the surgeries but I really cannot heal quickly enough.
So here I am a week into June. That's officially 6 months I have been either in surgery, recovering from surgery, sick or just plain tired. I found a drug that made it all bearable but apparently the prescription was to last me 20 days but I had it done in 12. The prescription said "take 1-2 every 4 hours." I took 2 every 4 hours and had them done 8 days early. So the doc prescribed me something else that really makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I am still in pain so I am trying to supplement with some tylenol or ibuprofen. I can refill the other prescription again tomorrow and you can be sure I'll only take 1 as needed so I never run out until I am ok.
The littlest thing wears me out and I suddenly have great empathy for those people who are dying a slow death. You cannot imagine how it feels to have the you that you know gone. The things you took for granted are not only not easy, but in some ways impossible. I watch others through Facebook go on with their lives. I see pictures of people out to dinner. People at ball games. Gardens and flowers and birds and parks and parades and all I am is a voyeur. I want to DO. I want to be a part of the life I used to live.
So I went to lunch with a couple of old friends the other day and while talking I said it out loud. I've been out of commission for 6 months! Later that day I realized, I am depressed and sad. I cannot help but feel sorry for myself because on top of that it's been 5 years. Five years of drugs and surgeries and more drugs and procedures. I'm tired.
So the goal was to eradicate the cancer completely and my hope is it is over!!! I'm hoping for a miracle!! I appreciate prayers.
So when I go see Dr. Nichols I am hoping for a good report. I also go and see my oncologist, Dr. Okuno (actually his associate.) We will see if all is good.
I think I've drug everyone I know through my cancer journey. I didn't think I would be such a fighter and would be able to beat this thing for as long as i have. I would be so happy to be able to post on Facebook pictures of me and my family doing fun things. Actually, I shouldn't complain because inbetween the really awful stuff, I have been able to do a lot of really fun and exciting things and I am very thankful for that. I am hoping this is just a temporary set back and I can start doing things again. Things like running around and straightening up my house. Tend to my garden, water my flowers, sweep around the pool, wash off the deck. That's all I want to do!!! Normal stuff!!
Thanks for listening and please send some prayers while I'm at Mayo next week.
June. This all started in January. I knew it was going to be a long haul. Our plan was laid out in November of last year. I had an abdominal tumor which was causing much pain, intestinal blockage and loss of blood which caused anemia. Also a tumor in my lower left lung and one in my upper right lung. A new tumor was found in my right kidney. They were worried the abdominal one was a recurrence on my reconstructed ureter from January, 2011.
All or nothing is basically what they told me. Why should they go after one tumor when I had others ready to cause problems. Seemed like good advice.
So I had the first surgery in January where they removed 1 1/2 feet of bowel with a baseball sized tumor. Side effect presented itself as irritable bowel syndrome and it was not fun. The good news I started losing some weight and I had some to lose so that made me happy.
Then in February I had the kidney ablation. An interesting fact about this surgery is that in the scheme of things it was the "easiest" procedure, but how I felt?? Not good. I had a cold during it and the recovery just made me feel lousy. I bounced back pretty fast but right after I felt a sense that I could not go under anesthesia again. Then I was supposed to go right back in and do the first of 2 lung surgeries. But instead, I was sick. Flu first. Diarrhea. I called the doc and told him I was in no shape to do the surgery. Then we rescheduled and the next thing I had was a sinus infection so we rescheduled again. The whole month of March I was sick. My friend, Traci Hart commented on FB that I got the award for being sick all the time. She was right. I was sick ALL the time.
Then in April I had a tumor removed from my lower left lung. The weirdest side effect was I kind of lost my voice. I talked with a rasp. A little over a week later I went in for another lung surgery, this time to remove a tumor from my upper right lobe. Instead of just removing the tumor, they took the entire lobe. I have had a very difficult time recovering from this last surgery. I'm dependent on oxygen a lot of the time. I'm winded and cannot do anything. My raspy voice got worse and it wears me out to talk. A load of laundry about wiped me out. I see 100 things that need to be done and I cannot do them. I know I am done with the surgeries but I really cannot heal quickly enough.
So here I am a week into June. That's officially 6 months I have been either in surgery, recovering from surgery, sick or just plain tired. I found a drug that made it all bearable but apparently the prescription was to last me 20 days but I had it done in 12. The prescription said "take 1-2 every 4 hours." I took 2 every 4 hours and had them done 8 days early. So the doc prescribed me something else that really makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I am still in pain so I am trying to supplement with some tylenol or ibuprofen. I can refill the other prescription again tomorrow and you can be sure I'll only take 1 as needed so I never run out until I am ok.
The littlest thing wears me out and I suddenly have great empathy for those people who are dying a slow death. You cannot imagine how it feels to have the you that you know gone. The things you took for granted are not only not easy, but in some ways impossible. I watch others through Facebook go on with their lives. I see pictures of people out to dinner. People at ball games. Gardens and flowers and birds and parks and parades and all I am is a voyeur. I want to DO. I want to be a part of the life I used to live.
So I went to lunch with a couple of old friends the other day and while talking I said it out loud. I've been out of commission for 6 months! Later that day I realized, I am depressed and sad. I cannot help but feel sorry for myself because on top of that it's been 5 years. Five years of drugs and surgeries and more drugs and procedures. I'm tired.
So the goal was to eradicate the cancer completely and my hope is it is over!!! I'm hoping for a miracle!! I appreciate prayers.
So when I go see Dr. Nichols I am hoping for a good report. I also go and see my oncologist, Dr. Okuno (actually his associate.) We will see if all is good.
I think I've drug everyone I know through my cancer journey. I didn't think I would be such a fighter and would be able to beat this thing for as long as i have. I would be so happy to be able to post on Facebook pictures of me and my family doing fun things. Actually, I shouldn't complain because inbetween the really awful stuff, I have been able to do a lot of really fun and exciting things and I am very thankful for that. I am hoping this is just a temporary set back and I can start doing things again. Things like running around and straightening up my house. Tend to my garden, water my flowers, sweep around the pool, wash off the deck. That's all I want to do!!! Normal stuff!!
Thanks for listening and please send some prayers while I'm at Mayo next week.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Coldwater Creek Closing
My cousin, Nona Moore and I would sit in chairs next to each other at my mom's house and look through her stacks of magazines. She was on a lot of mailing lists and there were so many good ones to look at.
Long before they opened a store around here, I was in love with her Coldwater Creek catalog. Everything in it was appealing. This was probably 15 to 20 years ago. The jewelry was nice. The clothes were trendy. They put together outfits with no models so there was no preconceived notion of what it would look like on a skinny person.
I shopped there for years loving the fact that they had size 2 to 20 so if you were overweight you didn't have to go to a different store to buy your clothes. They also had them sized to surprise you and think you were thinner than you were. It had almost a western vibe to it (kind of like Robert Redford's Sundance catalog of today.) They got it right.
I was hooked into signing up for their credit card to get 15% of my first purchase. Then if I used the credit card I would receive $20 coupons in the mail. I got coupons quite often and used it all the time to combine with sales and get great deals on things.
So over the last few years I noticed the clothes quality went down. I also noticed a lot of their things were starting to look frumpy. When a friend of mine on FB told me to steer clear of several stores if I wanted to dress and look younger and she mention CC I was surprised because I had always loved the store. But then I got to thinking and I realized she was right. Lately most of the items were kind of frumpy. Very rarely were they putting things out there that were truly "must haves."
It got to the point where the last couple times I got a coupon for $20 I couldn't find one thing I wanted to buy in the whole catalog. So I ordered a pair of jeans and called it a day.
Then I heard they were filing bankruptcy and closing all the stores. How could a once very cool store make so many bad choices that ended their reign as a top female clothier? Did they change ownership? Did their philosophy of style change? Who was the buyer? Were they purchasing clothes from a cheaper supplier to try to make money?
No matter what store it is. CC or Wellspring. Things change. The landscape of retail is forever changing. It's a competitive market there is NO doubt!! I guess maybe no matter what you do, when it's time, it's time.
We will miss you Coldwater Creek circa 1995!
Long before they opened a store around here, I was in love with her Coldwater Creek catalog. Everything in it was appealing. This was probably 15 to 20 years ago. The jewelry was nice. The clothes were trendy. They put together outfits with no models so there was no preconceived notion of what it would look like on a skinny person.
I shopped there for years loving the fact that they had size 2 to 20 so if you were overweight you didn't have to go to a different store to buy your clothes. They also had them sized to surprise you and think you were thinner than you were. It had almost a western vibe to it (kind of like Robert Redford's Sundance catalog of today.) They got it right.
I was hooked into signing up for their credit card to get 15% of my first purchase. Then if I used the credit card I would receive $20 coupons in the mail. I got coupons quite often and used it all the time to combine with sales and get great deals on things.
So over the last few years I noticed the clothes quality went down. I also noticed a lot of their things were starting to look frumpy. When a friend of mine on FB told me to steer clear of several stores if I wanted to dress and look younger and she mention CC I was surprised because I had always loved the store. But then I got to thinking and I realized she was right. Lately most of the items were kind of frumpy. Very rarely were they putting things out there that were truly "must haves."
It got to the point where the last couple times I got a coupon for $20 I couldn't find one thing I wanted to buy in the whole catalog. So I ordered a pair of jeans and called it a day.
Then I heard they were filing bankruptcy and closing all the stores. How could a once very cool store make so many bad choices that ended their reign as a top female clothier? Did they change ownership? Did their philosophy of style change? Who was the buyer? Were they purchasing clothes from a cheaper supplier to try to make money?
No matter what store it is. CC or Wellspring. Things change. The landscape of retail is forever changing. It's a competitive market there is NO doubt!! I guess maybe no matter what you do, when it's time, it's time.
We will miss you Coldwater Creek circa 1995!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
My Goal in Life
It's a rainy Spring day here in Clive, Iowa. I thought I would put my thoughts on paper before I go up to Mayo tomorrow for my final lung surgery!
2014 has been the year of once again trying to rid myself of all cancer. This is not the first time we have gone after it. We did it in 2011 as well and just about as fast as we got rid of it, it came back.
Last year I bugged my surgeons up at Mayo to take another stab at it. I am so over chemo and all the research I have done points to surgical removal with wide margins as the treatment of choice. So in November, Dr. Farnell (abdominal surgeon) finally relented and then Dr. Nichols (lung surgeon) got on board as well. In fact, they refused to go after it surgically if they could not go after ALL of it. Meanwhile, a tumor showed up on my kidney which was also nuked imbetween the ab surgery and the first lung surgery. So 4 procedures in 2014 and April isn't even over!!
So here is my goal in life.
I want to be cancer free! I want to become a person who advocates for cancer patients. I want to be an inspiration to those people who are shocked and scared by a cancer diagnosis. I want to guide people through the maze of alternative AND standard treatment. Especially those who have leiomyosarcoma.
I was thinking about it the other day and was wishing I could sell products to people that would really help them with their health. I don't want to be a network marketer to make tons of money but I would like to make a difference in people's lives.
I thank everyone who has supported me over these past 5 years. Your thoughts and prayers have been the #1 thing that has gotten me through all this!!!
My other life goal is to be normal. I mean, get up, get dressed, go to work, make my bed, clean my house, have enough energy to plant my gardens and walk the dogs and play with my grandkids and just be back to being me!!!
2014 has been the year of once again trying to rid myself of all cancer. This is not the first time we have gone after it. We did it in 2011 as well and just about as fast as we got rid of it, it came back.
Last year I bugged my surgeons up at Mayo to take another stab at it. I am so over chemo and all the research I have done points to surgical removal with wide margins as the treatment of choice. So in November, Dr. Farnell (abdominal surgeon) finally relented and then Dr. Nichols (lung surgeon) got on board as well. In fact, they refused to go after it surgically if they could not go after ALL of it. Meanwhile, a tumor showed up on my kidney which was also nuked imbetween the ab surgery and the first lung surgery. So 4 procedures in 2014 and April isn't even over!!
So here is my goal in life.
I want to be cancer free! I want to become a person who advocates for cancer patients. I want to be an inspiration to those people who are shocked and scared by a cancer diagnosis. I want to guide people through the maze of alternative AND standard treatment. Especially those who have leiomyosarcoma.
I was thinking about it the other day and was wishing I could sell products to people that would really help them with their health. I don't want to be a network marketer to make tons of money but I would like to make a difference in people's lives.
I thank everyone who has supported me over these past 5 years. Your thoughts and prayers have been the #1 thing that has gotten me through all this!!!
My other life goal is to be normal. I mean, get up, get dressed, go to work, make my bed, clean my house, have enough energy to plant my gardens and walk the dogs and play with my grandkids and just be back to being me!!!
Friday, February 14, 2014
Things that bother me
Yesterday I was disgruntled. Everything anyone did made me mad.
First this. When you have cancer as long as I have, people forget that every day you have death hanging over your head. To them, you are the same person and should act accordingly.
I had surgery on January 17. My insides hurt. I take pain pills. Even if I act like I'm doing well, I cannot do half of what I used to do. Then I get greeted with, "What have you been doing all day while I was working?"
My mind jumps back in time to a day I would go to work at 9 am and get home after 9 pm. Bell to bell is what they call it. Since I was 16 I have worked. Now I am on disability and what I used do in an hour or two may take me a couple days because if I kick it up a notch I won't be able to walk with the pain. But somehow I feel guilty about it because I cannot be all things to all people anymore and I think I am resented for it. Resented for being sick. That makes me sick.
People forget you are sick. You go to the hospital for surgery and no one sends you flowers anymore. You come home. No one brings meals over. I understand, I totally do. It probably seems to them like a never ending saga. "She hasn't died yet?"
Then I browse Facebook. I cannot believe all my liberal friends who posts things about Fox News and then call people names ALL THE TIME. "Tell us how you really feel." Equally annoying is a debate between Bill Nye the Science Guy and Ken Ham the Creationist. No, Ken, "because the Bible tells us so" is not an adequate argument for creationism. Gee Whiz. Try to make sense. Try to marry the science with faith and make it work so it makes sense, please?
Then the whole vaccine debate. People on their soap boxes yelling to the top of their lungs!! You must vaccinate. This from people who are not living with a child with Autism. A child who was perfectly normal until after her 2 year vaccines. Why don't you try to be a little flexible folks? I've changed my opinion from no vaccines to later vaccines and slow vaccines but it seems that's not good enough for the zealots.
And especially such strong opinions from people who do not have enough life experience to have a good, overall opinion. Live a little before you start spewing.
Then there's the adults that for some reason or another choose not to work. They are capable of working but there is always some excuse. "I've got too much on my plate." "I can get money from my family." "I'm depressed." "I cannot afford daycare." Meanwhile there are other people who suffer from their lack of ambition. There is a sucker born everyday. Same goes for the takers in life. If you take and take and take but never give, then you don't deserve an opinion either. Earn the right to have an opinion.
Ok. I got it off my chest. Sorry if I stepped on some toes.
First this. When you have cancer as long as I have, people forget that every day you have death hanging over your head. To them, you are the same person and should act accordingly.
I had surgery on January 17. My insides hurt. I take pain pills. Even if I act like I'm doing well, I cannot do half of what I used to do. Then I get greeted with, "What have you been doing all day while I was working?"
My mind jumps back in time to a day I would go to work at 9 am and get home after 9 pm. Bell to bell is what they call it. Since I was 16 I have worked. Now I am on disability and what I used do in an hour or two may take me a couple days because if I kick it up a notch I won't be able to walk with the pain. But somehow I feel guilty about it because I cannot be all things to all people anymore and I think I am resented for it. Resented for being sick. That makes me sick.
People forget you are sick. You go to the hospital for surgery and no one sends you flowers anymore. You come home. No one brings meals over. I understand, I totally do. It probably seems to them like a never ending saga. "She hasn't died yet?"
Then I browse Facebook. I cannot believe all my liberal friends who posts things about Fox News and then call people names ALL THE TIME. "Tell us how you really feel." Equally annoying is a debate between Bill Nye the Science Guy and Ken Ham the Creationist. No, Ken, "because the Bible tells us so" is not an adequate argument for creationism. Gee Whiz. Try to make sense. Try to marry the science with faith and make it work so it makes sense, please?
Then the whole vaccine debate. People on their soap boxes yelling to the top of their lungs!! You must vaccinate. This from people who are not living with a child with Autism. A child who was perfectly normal until after her 2 year vaccines. Why don't you try to be a little flexible folks? I've changed my opinion from no vaccines to later vaccines and slow vaccines but it seems that's not good enough for the zealots.
And especially such strong opinions from people who do not have enough life experience to have a good, overall opinion. Live a little before you start spewing.
Then there's the adults that for some reason or another choose not to work. They are capable of working but there is always some excuse. "I've got too much on my plate." "I can get money from my family." "I'm depressed." "I cannot afford daycare." Meanwhile there are other people who suffer from their lack of ambition. There is a sucker born everyday. Same goes for the takers in life. If you take and take and take but never give, then you don't deserve an opinion either. Earn the right to have an opinion.
Ok. I got it off my chest. Sorry if I stepped on some toes.
Monday, January 6, 2014
What ethnicity are you? And who am I?
This blog has nothing to do with cancer. It's about who I am.
I'm watching Downton Abbey last night and there's a scene where a suitor of one of the aristocratic daughters can move to Germany, become a citizen and then he will be able to divorce his wife so he can marry her. This is 1920s England. The woman states that the Germans are the most hated people in the world.
After Christmas dinner my Aunt Karen and Uncle Alan came over and we were talking about World War 1 and 2. I was embarrassed at my lack of knowledge of the first war especially. As we were talking we went on and on about how the war went and it was quite interesting. In fact, I am just cracking open a book Karen ordered for me on Russian history. All quite fascinating. Apparently the Germans were the aggressors in both wars.
Then for the last few days I've been watching The Sopranos on HBO. The whole show is mobster Italian television and I am very interested in their extreme New Jersey/Italian ways. They exude Italian. My friend Mary Sutera and her whole family exuded Italian culture. Their mother cooked huge dinners of authentic Italian food. They all "look" Italian. Brown eyes. Dark complexion. They should. Their parents immigrated here from Sicily.
My brother and his family are embracing his Native American heritage. Learning some of the language. Meeting lots of family and friends. Learning the ways of the Lakota.
I'm a person who really doesn't seem very ethnic to myself. If someone would ask I would say I am of European descent. I have English and Irish and German in me. So I ask you. If the Germans were the most hated people in the world back between the first and second World Wars, could that have robed me of some of my ethnicity? Were German Americans afraid to admit they were from Germany because people may have looked down on them because of it?? My husband has Danish heritage and they embrace it with traditional recipes and dancing around the Christmas tree.
We don't really have any German things we do. Or English. Or Irish. My Channell family has been doing a lot of ancestry searches and we find a lot of English. My dad's mom's maiden name was Popplewell and everywhere we look we see English, English, English. I relate to that. I embraced London when I visited. I felt "home." But Germany?? I just don't know much about it and I'm sad that the Third Reich and the axis were such aggressive people and did so many heinous things that I haven't been able to embrace that part of myself.
My grandmother was a Schultz. German. My daughters have German on the other side as well. Von Rhein. Maybe a fact finding trip to Germany is in order. Maybe I'll try to make some schnitzel and some warm German potato salad……Just a thought.
I'm watching Downton Abbey last night and there's a scene where a suitor of one of the aristocratic daughters can move to Germany, become a citizen and then he will be able to divorce his wife so he can marry her. This is 1920s England. The woman states that the Germans are the most hated people in the world.
After Christmas dinner my Aunt Karen and Uncle Alan came over and we were talking about World War 1 and 2. I was embarrassed at my lack of knowledge of the first war especially. As we were talking we went on and on about how the war went and it was quite interesting. In fact, I am just cracking open a book Karen ordered for me on Russian history. All quite fascinating. Apparently the Germans were the aggressors in both wars.
Then for the last few days I've been watching The Sopranos on HBO. The whole show is mobster Italian television and I am very interested in their extreme New Jersey/Italian ways. They exude Italian. My friend Mary Sutera and her whole family exuded Italian culture. Their mother cooked huge dinners of authentic Italian food. They all "look" Italian. Brown eyes. Dark complexion. They should. Their parents immigrated here from Sicily.
My brother and his family are embracing his Native American heritage. Learning some of the language. Meeting lots of family and friends. Learning the ways of the Lakota.
I'm a person who really doesn't seem very ethnic to myself. If someone would ask I would say I am of European descent. I have English and Irish and German in me. So I ask you. If the Germans were the most hated people in the world back between the first and second World Wars, could that have robed me of some of my ethnicity? Were German Americans afraid to admit they were from Germany because people may have looked down on them because of it?? My husband has Danish heritage and they embrace it with traditional recipes and dancing around the Christmas tree.
We don't really have any German things we do. Or English. Or Irish. My Channell family has been doing a lot of ancestry searches and we find a lot of English. My dad's mom's maiden name was Popplewell and everywhere we look we see English, English, English. I relate to that. I embraced London when I visited. I felt "home." But Germany?? I just don't know much about it and I'm sad that the Third Reich and the axis were such aggressive people and did so many heinous things that I haven't been able to embrace that part of myself.
My grandmother was a Schultz. German. My daughters have German on the other side as well. Von Rhein. Maybe a fact finding trip to Germany is in order. Maybe I'll try to make some schnitzel and some warm German potato salad……Just a thought.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
The End of a Year of Blogging
Yes, I started this blog a year (almost) ago! The blog of a woman with a big mouth who is scared to death!
I told my mother having Leiomyosarcoma is like being on death row. You know the time will come when you will probably be executed. There is always this nagging fear in the back of your mind. "Will I be here in a year?" "Will I make it through surgery?" I'm scared.
Today I looked at pictures of my grandkids and it brought a tear to my eyes. I may not see them grow up. They are just starting their journey. Me? So iffy.
I don't know of many people who beat this cancer. It doesn't seem to go away. It may lie dormant for awhile but everyone I know seems to get it back. I am on a "list" on the web of people and caretakers with this disease. Everyone signs their posts with their "stuff." The year they were diagnosed. The chemos they've done. The surgeries they have had. The recurrences. So happy for the people who have NED (no evidence of disease) on their signature. But most, after awhile, end up with a spot on their lungs or liver and it ALL starts again.
Me? I've never been NED. It all started with my initial surgery. You cannot cut away at this cancer or it spreads. They did. It did.
On January 17, I go in for another major surgery. A month later I go in for a lung surgery. Four days later I go in for another lung surgery. Another chance at NED.
I'm serving my body up on a platter, Lord!! I'm giving it up! All the prayers, all the determination, all the supplements, all the healthy diet. I'm giving it to you!! 2014!! The year where I try to give it to you, Lord! YOU are the only thing I cling to. I've been fighting for so long. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm sad. Please help me get through this.
I told my mother having Leiomyosarcoma is like being on death row. You know the time will come when you will probably be executed. There is always this nagging fear in the back of your mind. "Will I be here in a year?" "Will I make it through surgery?" I'm scared.
Today I looked at pictures of my grandkids and it brought a tear to my eyes. I may not see them grow up. They are just starting their journey. Me? So iffy.
I don't know of many people who beat this cancer. It doesn't seem to go away. It may lie dormant for awhile but everyone I know seems to get it back. I am on a "list" on the web of people and caretakers with this disease. Everyone signs their posts with their "stuff." The year they were diagnosed. The chemos they've done. The surgeries they have had. The recurrences. So happy for the people who have NED (no evidence of disease) on their signature. But most, after awhile, end up with a spot on their lungs or liver and it ALL starts again.
Me? I've never been NED. It all started with my initial surgery. You cannot cut away at this cancer or it spreads. They did. It did.
On January 17, I go in for another major surgery. A month later I go in for a lung surgery. Four days later I go in for another lung surgery. Another chance at NED.
I'm serving my body up on a platter, Lord!! I'm giving it up! All the prayers, all the determination, all the supplements, all the healthy diet. I'm giving it to you!! 2014!! The year where I try to give it to you, Lord! YOU are the only thing I cling to. I've been fighting for so long. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm sad. Please help me get through this.
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