Boundaries as seen through the eyes of me, someone who used to not have ANY!

I was sitting in my bed thinking about how I have learned to set realistic boundaries and I posted this on Facebook.  It was one of the few times that the words flew out of my mind, down through my fingers and on to the page:

Setting boundaries - that real protective invisible fence around yourself which allows you to be in charge of how you think and feel and what you do, is quite often not an easy thing for other people to handle especially if you've allowed them to cross those boundaries in the past. 

This is especially hard for parents because their key role as a parent is to guide and direct their children. At some point in time the child transitions into an adult and may or may not follow the expectations of the parent. Some parents cannot handle the individuality those boundaries afford a person to obtain. 

This also happens in other relationships as well. A friend or partner may have been able to expect certain behaviors from you based on the way you complied with their expectations. If you decide to set healthy boundaries and no longer react to situations like Pavlov's dog, this may unnerve the other person. It may cause that person to place the blame on you for not acting the way you used to. 

Boundaries can upset the apple cart but it is the only way to establish your own set of beliefs, behaviors and expectations. Allow yourself to step out from under the control and manipulation of other people and become who you have decided you want to be.

Psychology conversation starters

Here I go again.  Some questions to spark some conversation.

1.  A woman is on a boat with a sibling and one of her children.  She can only save one person.  Who will she choose?  Herself?  Her sibling?  Her child?  Based on which one she chooses, what kind of person does that make her?   Here are their ages.  Woman is 42.  Sibling is 34.  Child is 24.

2.  If a person has a history of cheating on their significant other(s), should someone date them and/or marry them if they know their history?  If your significant other cheats on you, how many times would you forgive them?

3.  What makes an adult person popular?  Looks?  Personality?  Money?   What makes a high schooler popular?  What makes a grade schooler popular?

4.  If you could tell the 4th grader you 1 thing, what would you tell yourself??

Debbie Downer=ME!

Yesterday I young woman died of Sarcoma.  Her name was Megan Pease.  This young lady would make videos from her hospital bed and always had a smile on her face.  This gal claimed a miracle every single day she was going to be cured.  The faithful would say she got her miracle because now she is in heaven.  I'm sure her husband is devastated but she made a huge impact on so many people.

Me on the other hand am mad at the world.  I seriously am angry.  I'm angry when I go into Ulta and the sales clerks do not know where anything is and don't know about the specials.  I'm mad when someone in front of me is not going the speed limit.  I'm mad when I am going over the speed limit and someone is tailgating me.  I'm mad when someone changes my plans without my consent and afterwards I'm shaking my head and wondering what just happened.  I'm mad when people take advantage of other people then deny they are doing it.  I'm mad when I call Century Link and they can't find me in their system under my name, my address or even my social security number.  I get transferred 3 times before I finally hang up, go downstairs, find the bill, redial the number and get help right away since I've got my account number.

I'm just mad.  Maybe I was born yesterday with a gazillion other Baby Boomers but I expect good customer service.  I expect to be treated with respect.  I expect to be greeted when I walk into a store.

Occasionally I'll go into a place like Trader Joe's and they will meet and exceed my expectations but I've come to realize that doesn't happen very much anymore.

The other night we went out to dinner and I asked the waiter if he had added the tip.  He said no, and I said, "Good!!"  My friend giggled and I told her he would be happy when he saw how much I tip.  He did well.  He deserved to be compensated.  (On a side note, did you know that in England they must love American tourists because people don't tip over there nor do the servers expect a tip.  I assume they get paid a living wage.)

So why am I angry?  Because people disappoint you every day.  You look at the things people do to others and it is just criminal.  People who do things to my people that directly affect their lives in a negative way.  It takes me a lot of will power to keep my mouth shut and not confront those who hurt my people.

Why am I like this?  Maybe I'm angry because I still have cancer.  Maybe I'm angry because it doesn't matter what I do this cancer won't go away.  I've done every single treatment they have EVER asked me to do and here I am 5 1/2 years later having to make the same decision I made in the beginning but this time I'm not so sure I want to go there.  This time they want me to do chemotherapy and I'm reluctant to go down that path.  I know the affects of chemo and how it tears down your body.  Problem is my body is in much worse shape that it was when I began all this at the age of 49.  I am down one lobe of a lung.  My kidney is atrophied and will probably quit working at some time.  I've had my liver cut on and ablated several times.  I have heart damage.  Not once but twice.  My intestines are shorter and since that surgery I have suffered with an irritable bowel type syndrome.  I cannot carry a child on a flat service without my heart pounding and shortness of breath.  So now I'm faced with the prospect of taking more poison in my body to try to attack and shrink the multiple lung mets I have.  Then I'll be bedridden, probably have low white counts so I could get an infection.

I want to quote scripture.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I've prayed over and over again.  I've had others pray for me.  I don't fret much so maybe that's God's peace.  But why am I angry????  The joy of the Lord is my strength??  What joy??  Joy would be having the oncologist say to me, "you have no evidence of disease."  

I guess this is like the Book of Job.   Maybe sometime my life will turn around and I will be crazy happy.  Maybe God will make my life 150% better?

I guess that's all I can hope and pray for at this time.  Maybe my happiness will come when I get to Heaven.

January 2015 Scan Results at Mayo

Hello!!  Well, today I had my first scans since November.  I knew in November I had at least 5 spots on my lungs.  Also I had that tumor in my hip which was causing me pain and I had radiation for the first week of December.

I talked with my oncologist, Dr. Scott Okuno and the scans showed progression of disease.  What that means is the spots I had on my lungs have grown but they are still millimeters big so nothing to freak out about.  I also have a small spot on my liver.  They didn't mention the tumor in my hip so it must be small enough or gone so they didn't feel they needed to mention it.

He also gave me a list of therapies that might be good for my cancer.  They sent my tumor out to a company named Caris which tested the specimen to see what drugs I might respond well to.  Some that I have already taken were on the list so he said we've tried the right drugs.  Then a couple new ones popped up and I haven't heard of them so I am going to do some research on them.  They are ironotecan and topotecan and temsirolimus.   He said they are usually not indicated for soft tissue sarcoma but my tumor responded to them.

Wednesday I go in and actually talk to the geneticist who will explain in more detail any DNA mutations that my children might have to worry about in the future.  So I am anticipating that appointment so I can try to alleviate any pain my children and their offspring might encounter.  I talked about some VERY detailed genetic testing but he said it was also VERY expensive!!

So not great news but not bad news either.

We also discussed why sometimes if you take out a primary tumor why the mets seem to become more aggressive.  He talked about the body freaking out and shutting down it's own immune system when the primary tumor is removed.  It's all pretty weird how the systems in your body which are there to protect you actually stop working.  It's all beyond me.

Prayers are always appreciated.  Kelly

First Post of 2015 - Real Men and Women Don't and Do

What I want to know is why do people cheat?  If someone is a cheater than they are automatically a liar as well.  In order to cheat you have to hide the fact from the person you are dating or married to.  I have always loved my brother because he has said if you are not happy with someone then get out of it before you even think about dating someone else.  It's really yucky and hurtful when you figure out you've been cheated on.  It's like a kick in the gut.

Why do people dump all the responsibility?  You see marriages dissolve and in a perfect world both of the parents would equally take care of their children.  But so often one of the spouses sticks it to the other one not realizing the ramifications to their kids.  Don't they realize the kids understand the inequity?  Yes, the kids may still have a relationship with that parent but deep down inside they feel hurt and abandoned by the parent that doesn't hold up their side of the bargain.  The person that the kids don't live with can justify their lack of support both physically or financially but in essence they are just bad people for walking away from all responsibility and dumping it on the other one.

I don't know how people can live with themselves.  How can you live your life knowing you are hurting someone else?  Doesn't it make you feel sick to your stomach to know how bad someone is hurting because of you??

And here's to the "other" woman or man.  In what world is it alright to sleep with someone who is with someone else?

To psychoanalyze all this I would have to say that some people love the covert operation of being a player.  What can I get away with?  Adrenaline rush!

Walking away from responsibility?  Being able to rationalize and compartmentalize your life.

Wake up and smell the coffee!!  There are good people out there!!  Be one of them!!

Brainwashing

Growing up I was raised in a Christian home.  Not a home where we went to church for the sake of church, no we went to worship the Lord to live out our Christianity by doing what was right.  For our denomination what was right was being at church during Sunday School, Church, Sunday night church and Wednesday night church.  My whole life I waffled between believing everything I was told to sneaking underground so I could live my life the way I wanted to without getting caught by my parents and all the people I went to church with.

My parents didn't really approve of my many friends in high school.  Quite literally if they didn't believe what we believed in then they really couldn't be real friends.  In fact, they were my real friends. Oh, yes, I judged them because I was brainwashed to do so, but I still loved them.

Don't get me wrong.  Today I still consider myself a Christian but I reject the shame and guilt I felt if I had a thought that was mine.  I reject the weight that was put on my shoulders to be a certain way without any respect for my individuality or my own conscience.

After breaking free from all the rules and regulations and finding a church which I agree with, I feel so much freedom and joy.  However, I still deal with a little angst when I hear one of my family or friends say something that takes all responsibility off their backs and puts it on an all knowing God who will bless the righteous and curse those that don't believe like them.

Recently I googled cult.  I know which religions are considered cults but I really wanted to throw a few more denominations and their need to rule people with their take on the gospel on to the "cult" pile.  Churches who scare you into submission with the fear of going to hell.  Those who condemn drinking alcohol because some people become alcoholics, so therefore, no one gets a drink even though the Bible talks about drinking wine.  Those that pick and choose what is and is not relevant in today's society.

For the people who have known me for years, it won't seem like much of a stretch for me to publicly announce my distain for the strict religious upbringing I had.  After all, so many knew the crazy, party girl Kelly.  This girl was a straight laced Christian girl??  The fact is, I was.  All my younger years I lived with a tremendous amount of guilt for what I was doing.  The more drunken escapades I was a part of the more I felt I needed to be forgiven.  My life was a series of ups and downs and saved and backsliding.  Yes, every time I was partying I considered myself backslidden and every time I'd hear a sermon I'd ask for forgiveness.

Now as I look back, I was a kid who was trying to find myself outside of church.  I was trying to be me in a world that revolved around my very successful mother whose job was with a Christian organization and church.  Period.  Everything was Christian.  Except my life at school was not.  I went to school in a very diverse military town and school was my space.  So I had this push to be a perfect Christian girl who wanted to seem normal in a very non-Christian environment.  The end of the 70s in a huge high school.

I don't really blame my parents for the religious "brainwashing."  No, they were a part of the same denomination I was but were happy to follow the rules and regulations.  Both of them had messed up as young people and found comfort in the love and forgiveness of their Christian faith.  They lived their lives as Christians so it wasn't a stretch for them.  They had many like minded friends in the church and they had already decided that was how they were going to live.  I also don't blame them for raising me in the church.  I think it's healthy for a family to go to church together.

As I got older and became a parent myself, I vowed to myself that if my kids made mistakes, I wasn't going to condemn them.  I was going to love them despite themselves.  I was going to stick up for them when well meaning "brainwashed" people started leaning on them to conform to a bunch of rules and regulations.  Yes, my kids went to a Christian school and so like me, they were exposed to so many people who had an idea of how they should live.  Did I send them to a Christian school?  No, but I allowed my parents to send them.  I figured with as much trouble as I got in as a young person, I could at least protect them a little bit from the pressures they would find in a large public high school.  I went to a school where my sophomore class was close to 1000.  I learned early on how the cast system worked and I decided my cast was going to be the cheerleading clan.  I worked hard to get good and followed all the rules.  I was very involved in school and absolutely loved it.  It was MY world outside the church and I had found my place.  Then I was subjected to some school politics which directly affected me and since the public school was outside the Christian realm in which my parents lived, they did not stick up for me.  Because of the betrayal by the school and by my parents not defending me publicly, I went into a tailspin from which I didn't land until I had my first child.

I'm a woman who is asking all the questions.  Was that denomination a cult??  Was it me being a sinner?  Was it my base human nature to tell anyone who tried to control me to take a long walk off a short plank?  Is it my cancer diagnosis that made me wonder about this all?  Why do I cringe when people use "church speak"??  Why am I not surprised when the televangelists look like they do and act like they do and say what they do?  Why did I walk out of a revival meeting in 1979 when people were being slain in the spirit and I prayed, "Lord, if this is real, then I want to be slain," only to have the evangelist touch me and nothing happened.  Then he pushed me.  Nothing.  Pushed me again.  Nothing.  Turn, walk out the door.

That wasn't the end.  I'm 55 years old.  I can order off the senior menu at many restaurants.  I guess I qualify as a senior citizen and yet I still have people in my life who want to put me back in that box.  Those who truly believe that life has to be lived in a church shaped realm with pews and programs and "church speak" and rules and regulations.  Those who sin just like the rest of us but loudly proclaim they notice the speck in my eye.  They that are blind from the plank in their own eye.

Thank God I can talk to him and He will embrace my questions.  He'll ask me if I like the wine that was made out of the grapes he created and I will politely say I don't know because I don't drink alcohol anymore and it's not because of a rule or regulation it's because I don't want to!

Amen!!!  :-)

*Disclaimer*  A lot of what I post is me looking back and trying to grasp what my experiences were growing up.  I think things were a bit different back then and even the people I considered very judgmental and more worried about what people thought then what was real have really changed over the years and seem a little more tolerant than they did way back then.  I also want to point out that my mother and father did not attend that denomination in over 30 years after moving to Des Moines.  I also want to point out that a lot of what happens within a denomination is a "cult of personality" meaning each church is different.  If you have a great preacher/teacher who preaches grace from the pulpit, there is less abuse in any church.  But for me, the push/pull I experienced was real and because of that I choose to talk about my experiences.  I don't mean to blame anyone or make anyone feel accused.

Preach it!!

So today I get a call from my high school friend, Bill Flott.  He has been in the hospital fighting an infection that could have killed him.  He told me he couldn't think of anyone who could relate to what he was going through except me.  He knows I've been fighting like crazy for 5 1/2 years trying to beat this LMS cancer.  It doesn't matter what I do, it seems the cancer always pops back up.  I'm weary.  I'm fed up.  Why can't it just go away?

Our group has lost several in the past week.  Warriors that succumbed to this ugly beast.  The dragon they call it.  It makes you want to throw up your hands and scream, "WHY BOTHER?"

Then I'm walking blocks to get to the parking garage.  The good news is Mayo has constructed a subway level.  No, there are no trains to ride in, you have to walk but at least you get to walk in warmth in the winter or in air conditioning in the summer.  This gives me a lot of time to think.  There are so many people using walkers or wheelchairs.  This is the place people go to get fixed.  Sometimes it's a last ditch effort to save themselves.  Why?  Why do people wait until they can't walk or can't breathe before they do something?  It has always bugged me.

What I would like to do is this.  I'd like to make a smoker not be able to breathe for a day.  I'd like for them to walk up the stairs and gasp for breath.  I'd like the drug addict to have to sleep under a bridge for a week.  I'd like for them to know what it feels like to lose their job, their family, their friends.  I'd like for the person who is just getting a hint of dementia to have full blown Alzheimer's for a day.  I want people to realize that you cannot stick your head in the sand and pretend it's not going to happen to you.  How many more women who refuse to have a mammogram have to die before the denial will be stopped?  How many people have to lose all their teeth before the "it won't happen to me" syndrome will keep people from going to the dentist?

Rant over!